Religious flavor

Jewish Humour!
A young scholar from New York was invited to become Rabbi in a small old community in Chicago.
On his very first Shabbat, a hot debate erupted as to whether one should or should not stand during the reading of the Ten Commandments.
The next day, the rabbi visited 98 year-old Mr. Katz in the nursing home.
"Mr. Katz, I'm asking you, as the oldest member of the community," said the rabbi, "what is our synagogue's custom during the reading of the Ten Commandments?"
"Why do you ask?" asked Mr. Katz.
"Yesterday we read the Ten Commandments. Some people stood, some people sat. The ones standing started screaming at the ones sitting, telling them to stand up. The ones sitting started screaming at the ones standing, telling them to sit down... "
"That," said the old man, "is our custom."

--------------
Catholic Humour!
Paddy goes to confession and says to the priest,
"Bless me father, for I have sinned. It's been three weeks since my last confession, and in that time I have committed the sin of adultery."
The priest says,
"Was it with Brigitte O'Hara?"
Paddy says,
"I'm sorry Father, but I can't tell you who it was with."
So, the priest says,
"I'll bet it was with Mary O'Houlihan, the hussy!"
Paddy says,
"I'm sorry Father, but I really can't tell you who it was."
The priest says,
"Was it that Rose O'Connell?"
And Paddy responds,
"I've told you already Father, I can't reveal who it was."
So, the priest says,
"You're a wicked man Paddy O'Reilly. Say six Hail Marys and don't let me hear that you've transgressed again!"
As he is walking home, Paddy bumps into his friend Seamus, who says,
"Paddy! How are you doin'? Is it the Church you'll be coming from?"
And Paddy says,
"Aye Seamus, I've just been to confession."
"How was it?"
Paddy says,
"Oh not too bad, I got six Hail Marys and three good leads!"

----------------
Protestant Humour!
Three couples--one elderly, one middle-aged and one newlywed--wanted to join a church.
The priest said,
"We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples all agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked,
"Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replied,
"No problem at all, Father."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest.
The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked,
"Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The middle-aged man replied,
"The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights, but, yep, we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the priest.
The priest then went to the newlywed couple and asked,
"Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.
"What happened?" inquired the priest.
"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it,"said the young man.
"When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the priest.
"We know," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."

--------------
Muslim Humour:
An elderly Muslim lady was well-known for her faith and for her confidence in talking about it.
She would stand in front of her house and say,
"Allah be praised" to all those who passed by.
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout,
"There ain't no Lord!!"
Hard times came upon the elderly lady, and she prayed for Allah to send her some assistance.
She would pray out loud in her night prayer,
"Oh Allah! I need food!! I am having a hard time, please Lord, PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"
One night the atheist happened to hear her as she was praying, and decided to play a prank on her.
The next morning the lady went out on her porch and found a large bag of groceries.
She raised her hands and shouted,
"Allah be praised!."
The neighbour jumped from behind a bush and said,
"Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."
The old lady laughed and clapped her hands and said,
"ALLAH BE PRAISED. He not only sent me groceries, but he made the devil pay for them!"

-------------
Buddhist Humour:
A Western Buddhist woman was in India, studying with her teacher.
She was riding with another woman friend in a rickshaw-like carriage, when they were attacked by a man on the street.
In the end, the attacker only succeeded in frightening the women, but the Buddhist woman was quite upset by the event and told her teacher so.
She asked him what she should have done - what would have been the appropriate, Buddhist response.
The teacher said very simply,
"You should have very mindfully and with great compassion whacked the attacker over the head with your umbrella."
---------------
Hindu Humour:
Bholaji finds himself in dire trouble.
His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble.
He's so desperate that he decides to ask Ganesh for help.
He goes into the temple and begins to pray.
"Oh Ganesh, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
Bholaji goes back to the temple.
"Ganesh please let me win the lotto. I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and Bholaji still has no luck.
Back to the temple he goes.
"My Ganesh, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order?"
Suddenly,y there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and Bholaji is confronted by the voice of God:
"Bholaji, buy a lottery ticket first."

--------------
Christian Humour:
The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Pacific Ocean.
They all died and went to heaven together.
"Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter. "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready... We can't take you in and we can't send you back..."
Then he got an idea.
He picked up the phone,
"Lucifer, this is St. Peter. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a few of days. What d'ya say?"
Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.
However, two days later... St. Peter got a call.
"Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey, you gotta come get these guys.
This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody,
the Graham guy is saving everybody,
and that Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning."

-------------
Biblical Humour:
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing He said to them was,
"Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam asked.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve! We got Forbidden Fruit!"
"No way!"
"Yes WAY!"
"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I'm your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.
A few minutes later, God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
"I dunno," Eve answered.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did Not!"
"DID so!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

-----------------
Ecumenical Humour:
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really that hard.
A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to do a seven-day experiment.
They would all go out into the woods, find a bear and preach to it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.
Father O'Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Wellll," he says, in a fine Irish brouge, "Ey wint oot into th' wooods to fynd me a bearr. Oond when Ey fund him Ey began to rread to him from the Baltimorre Catechism. Welll, thet bearr wanted naught to do wi' me und begun to slap me aboot. So I quick grrabbed me holy water and, THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is cooming oot next wik to give him fierst communion und confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next.
He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip.
In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaimed,
"WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle...WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOOOOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. I SAY NO! He wanted NOTHING to do with me. So I took HOOOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we come to a crick. So I quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE his hairy soul. An' jus like you sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's HOOOOLY word."
They both look down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed.
He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him.
The rabbi looks up and says,
"Oy! You don't know what tough is until you try to circumcise one of those creatures."
And Finally:

A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.
After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying,
"I know that in your religion you're not supposed to eat pork. Have you actually ever tasted it?"
The rabbi said,
"I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."
Then, the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation.
He asked,
"Your religion, too... I know you're suposed to be celibate, but...?"
The priest replied,
"Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice."
There was silence for a while.
Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said,
"Better than pork, isn't it?"

--------------