Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock , 6
miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital
watches!"

********************************************************************************

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45
Degrees."

TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much
noise can we make up

Here?"

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes
when it hits a

727?
"

**************************************************************************

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long
takeoff queue: "I'm

F...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting,
identify yourself

Immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not
f...ing stupid!"

***********************************************************************************

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy,
your traffic is a

Fokker, one o'clock , three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say
this...I've got the

Little Fokker in sight."

******************************************************************************

A student became lost during a solo cross-country
flight. While

Attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked,
"What was your

Last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

**************************************************************************

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an
exceedingly long roll

Out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right
turn at the end

Of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able,
take the Guadeloupe
Exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and
return to the

Airport."

********************************************************************************

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in
Munich , overheard

The following:

Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what is our start
clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must
speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a
German airplane, in

Germany . Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful
British accent):

"Because you lost the bloody war!"

**************************************************************************

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact
Departure on frequency

124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to
Departure. By the

Way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead
animal on the far end

Of the runway."

Tower: " Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind
Eastern 702,

Contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy
that report from

Eastern 702?"

BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for
takeoff, roger; and

Yes, we copied Eastern... We've already notified our
caterers."

******************************************************************************

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the
tower to hold short

Of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8
landed, rolled out,

Turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some
quick-witted

Comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,
"What a cute little

Plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by,
came back with a

Real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another
landing like yours

And I'll have enough parts for another one."

*******

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are
renowned as a

Short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know
one's gate parking

Location, but how to get there without any assistance
from them. So it

Was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747)
listened to the following

Exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a
British Airways 747,

Call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of
active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to
a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are
going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our
gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird
206, have you not

Been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it
was dark, -- And I

Didn't land."

**************************************************************************

While taxiing at London 's ,t Airport, the crew of a
US Air flight

Departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and
came nose to nose

With a United 727. An irate female ground controller
lashed out at the

US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell
are you going? I

Told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You
turned right on Delta!

Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to
tell the difference

between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was
now shouting

hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up!
It'll take forever

to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move
till I tell you

to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in
about half an hour,

and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I
tell you, and how

I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency
fell terribly

silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody
wanted to chance

engaging the irate ground controller in her current
state of mind.

Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was
definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed
his microphone,

asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?

===================================================