Laughs

Now that food has replaced sex in my life,
I can't even get into my own pants.

Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Sign in a Chinese Pet Store:
"Buy one dog, get one flea..."

I got a sweater for Christmas.
I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

If flying is so safe,
why do they call the airport the terminal?

I don't approve of political jokes.
I've seen too many of them get elected.

There are two sides to every divorce:
Yours and sh*t head's.

I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect;
therefore I am perfect.

Everyday I beat my own previous record
for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

How come we choose from just two people
to run for president
and
50 for Miss America?

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant
like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
-----------