Laughs

A plane took off from Kennedy Airport.
After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom.
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Please sit back and relax... OH MY GOD!"
After a moment of silence, the captain came back on the intercom and said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of hot coffee and spilled it in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach piped up,
"That's nothing... you should see the back of mine!"

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Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: It's cute... but can it pick up peanuts?

Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?
A: Ground Beef!

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A man went into a bar and ordered two beers.
He sat and drank them both at the bar in quick succession.
The next day the same sequence of events transpired.
The barman asked,
"So how come you order two like that, when there's only one of you?"
The man said,
"My brother is serving in Iraq, and I told him I'd have adrink on his behalf for him every night until he gets back."
This continued for some days, then one day the man came in and ordered only one beer, and started to drink it.
The barman said,
"Well, I suppose there's been very good news or very bad."
"A bit of both," said the man. "I've given up the booze for Lent."