Lewd Limericks

There once was a monk from Siberia
Whose manners were quite inferior.
He did to a nun
What he should not have done.
And now she's a Mother Superior.

There once was a couple named Kelly
who walked around belly to belly
because in their haste, they used library paste
instead of petroleum jelly

Said the Cardinal to Mother Superior
"Your singing is quite inferior!"
She, not to be crass,
did show some real class
Said,"You can kiss in-between my posterior!"

The verses given after this ( if you click on Read More) are rude, risque and raunchy. Some are quite vulgar. We have changed some of the four letter words but will not recommend any one going there unless they want something rude, risque and raunchy.

So dont say we did not warn you. You can always find these in the Blog by typing Limericks in the search box.


There was a man from Kent
Who had a penis so long it bent
It was so much trouble
That he kept it in double
And instead of coming, he went.

There was a man called Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave
He said "I admit
I am a bit of a shit
But think of the money I save?".

There was a lady who triplets begat
She named them Nat, Pat and Tat
It was fun breeding
But trouble when feeding
Cause she didn't have a tit for Tat.

There once was a girl named Madonna
To all the boys she'd ask "Do yo wanna?"
Warren Beatty said no,
called her a "HO"
Now she cries and smokes marijuana.

There was a young student from Boston,
Who drove around in an Austin.
There was only room for his ass
and a gallon of gas.
So his balls hung out and he lost 'em.

There was a young girl from Cape Cod,
Who thought babies came only from God.
T'wasn't the Almighty
Who lifted her nightie.
T'was Roger the Lodger by god!

There once was a man named Screw Bryce
His spiral prick looked so very nice
His spent a long hunt
And found a spiral c#%+.
And dropped dead when he found her anti-clockwise

There was a young fellow named Perkin
Who was always jerkin his gherkin
His father said Perkin
Stop jerkin your gherkin
Your gherkins fer ferkin not jerkin

A pansy who lived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room,
And they argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom.

There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose dick was so long he could suck it
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear were a c#%+ I would f@#* it!"

Their once was a young girl from Norway
Who hung upside down from the doorway;
Which worked out quite well,
'Cause when you rang her bell,
It actually turned out to be foreplay!

There once was a technician named Lil.
That took a chance on a Nuclear Pill.
They found her vagina,
in South Carolina,
and her boobs in a tree in Brazil!

An Argentine Gaucho named Bruno
Said Sex is one thing I do know
Women are fine
And sheep are divine
But llamas are numero uno!

There once were two young girls from Birmingham
I knew a wild story concerning 'em
They lifted the frock
And diddled the cock
Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em

Now the Bishop was nobody's fool,
He'd been to a fine public school
He lowered his britches
And f@#*ed both those bitches
With his twelve-inch Episcopal tool.

But that didn't startle these two,
Why they laughed as the Bishop withdrew,
The Vicar is quicker
And thicker and slicker
And longer and stronger than you!

There once was a man from Bombay
Who fashioned a c#%+ out of clay
But the heat from his prick
Turned the damn thing to brick
And it ripped all his foreskin away.

There once was a vampire from France
Who couldn't keep it tucked in his pants
He oft whipped it out
With a vampiric shout
And taught poor Louis how to dance.

There once was a man from Uppingham
Who stood on the bridge at Buckingham
Just watching the stunts
of the c#%+s in the punts
And the tricks of the pricks that were f@#*ing them

There once was a singer named Elton
who had the girls hearts all a'meltin'.
But they were soon to be fooled
Cos he was a lover of dudes;
twas dicks he'd rather be feltin'.

There was a young singer named M'lisser,
who liked all the girls to kiss her.
She was rakin' the cash in
and givin' tongue lashin's
to Misses rather than Misters.

A young engineer name of Paul.
Was equipped with an octagonal ball
The square of his weight
Times his pecker, plus eight
Is his phone number, give him a call


There was a young man from Saint Paul
Who went to a masquerade ball.
Just for a stunt
He went dressed as a c#%+,
And was f@#*ed by a dog in the hall.

There was a young man from Spleen
who invented a wanking machine
on the 99th stroke
the f@#*ing thing broke
and whipped his balls into cream

My dorky ex-roommate Pierre
Once fell asleep in my chair
I pulled out my unit
Proceeded to tune it
And fired my load in his hair

There once was a man named Sprockett
Who walked with his hands in his pocket
He was able to hide
What he was doing inside
Till he shot off like a NASA rocket.

There was a young man from Iraq,
Who had holes down the side of his cock,
His boyfriend Umberto,
could play the concerto,
by Johannes Sebastian Bach.

I'm told of a Bishop of Birmingham,
Who buggered young boys while confirming them,
To roars of applause,
He tore down their drawers,
And pumped the Episcopal sperm in 'em.

There once was a lady from Nizus,
Who had breasts of two different sizes,
One was small,
and round like a ball
And the other was big and won prizes

Said a woman with open delight,
My pubic hair's perfectly white.
I admit there's a glare,
But the fellows don't care
They locate it more quickly at night.

A certain young fellow from Ransome
Had a dame seven times in a hansom.
When she shouted for more,
Said he from the floor,
The name, miss, is Simpson, not Samson.

There was a young man from Bellaire
Who was screwing his girl on the stair.
But the banister broke,
So he doubled his stroke,
And finished her off in mid-air.

There was a young man from Sparta,
Who was an incredible farter?
At the strength of one bean,
He could play "God Save the Queen",
And Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata".

The Duchess when pouring the tea,
Asked "Do you fart when you pee?"
I replied with some wit,
"Do you belch when you shit?"
And I think that was one up to me

There once was a lady from Exeter,
So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
One was even so brave
As to take out and wave
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.

There was a young whore from kaloo
Who filled her vagina with glue.
She said with a grin,
"If they pay to get in,
They can pay to get out again too!"

There was an old man of the port
Whose prick was remarkably short.
When he got into bed,
The old woman said,
"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!"

There once was a freshman named Lin,
Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
A virgin named Joan
From a bible belt home,
Said "This won't be much of a sin."

Two school-kids around Aberystwyth
Made love with the lips that they kissed with
But as they got older
They also grew bolder
Making love with the things that they pissed with

Undressing a maiden called Sue,
Her seducer exclaimed, "If it's true
That a nipple a day
Keeps the doctor away,
Think how healthy you must be with two!"

There was a lady from University
Who was the sole of perversity?
She was into candles
And all manner of scandals
And sexual positions in diversity

There once was a young barmaid from Wales
On her breasts were written the prices of ale
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind
The prices were tattooed in Braille

There was a young girl of Dumfrees
Who said to her boyfriend 'Oh, please,
It will give me great bliss
If you play more with THIS
And give less attention to THESE.'

There once was a lass from Wilts
She came walking into Scotland on stilts
They said "Madam it's shocking
You reveal so much stocking"
She said "Yea, well how about those kilts?"

A worried young man from Stamboul
Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
Said the doctor, a cynic,
"Get out of my clinic;
Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"

A young bride was once heard to say,
"Oh dear, I am wearing away!
The inside of my thighs
Look just like mince pies,
For my husband won't shave every day."

The limerick form is complex
Its contents run chiefly to sex
It burgeons with virgins
And masculine urgings
And swarms with erotic effex.

THE END