The 5 questions most feared by men are:
1...What are you thinking about?
2...Do you love me?
3...Do I look fat?
4...Do you think she is prettier than me?
5...What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly ( i.e., tells the truth).
As a public service, each question is analysed below, along with possible Responses.
Question # 1:
What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is:
"I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer,which most likely is one of the following:
a...Cricket.
b...Rugbyl.
c...How fat you are.
d...How much prettier she is than you.
e...How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg,
"If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"
Question # 2:
Do you love me?
The proper response is:
"YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include:
a...Oh Yeah, crap loads.
b...Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c...That depends on what you mean by love.
d...Does it matter?
e...Who, me?
Question # 3:
Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic:
"Of course not!"
Among the incorrect answers are:
a...Compared to what?
b...I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c...A little extra weight looks good on you.
d...I've seen fatter.
e...Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 4:
Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic:
"Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:
a...Yes, but you have a better personality.
b...Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c...Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
d...Define pretty.
e...Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 5:
What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question.
(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette and a Boat").
WARNING:
No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not-don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you re-marry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her? MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Oh ( expletive deleted).
