XX ADULT PUNS!

Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it
Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it
Naughty girls own the entire Fantasia collection

As the high school teacher was correcting essays written by her students she
read,
"Pedro jumped on his burrow and rode off into the sunset."
She wrote at the bottom of the page,
"You obviously have problems with homonyms. A burrow is a hole in the
ground. A burro is an ass. At your age it's time to learn the difference.

Brothel:
A business dedicated to making sure the customer always comes first.

Bill was chuckling at the bar when his friend Mike joined him.
"Women, they think they're so smart," he said with a sly smile, going on to
explain that he'd eavesdropped on a phone conversation between his fiancee,
Lynn, and her best friend, Amy
"She said, 'Bill doesn't know it yet, but the only time I'm putting out is
when I want to get pregnant."
At this, Bill doubled over with laughter, and Mike looked at his friend with
some consternation,
"I'd be mad as a hatter! Why aren't you?" he asked.
"Why get mad?" answered Bill. "She'll never know I've had a vasectomy!"

"The search for the man who terrorizes nudist camps with a bacon slicer goes
on.
Inspector Lemuel Jones had a tip-off this morning, but hopes to be back on
duty tomorrow."

A female TV reporter arranged for an interview with a farmer, seeking the
main cause of Mad Cow disease.
The Lady:
"Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the possible source
of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?"
The Farmer stared at the reporter and said,
"Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"
The lady reporter (obviously embarrassed):
"Well, sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation
between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?" The Farmer:
"And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"
The reporter:
"Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the
point?"
The Farmer:
"I am getting to the point, Madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your
boobs twice a day and you were only having sex once a year, wouldn't you get
mad?"

The sign on the door of the whorehouse said,
"Beat it - We're closed."

An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much
younger salesman.
"Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked.
"Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa."
"You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested.
"Sectional schmectional." she bitterly retorted. "All I want is an
occasional piece in the living room!"

A friend of mine discovered that his wife had become a lesbian.
I asked what he was going to do now.
"Nothing!" he replied, "Why should I? I'm just crazy about the girl she's
going out with."

I was flying to Las Vegas recently and the flight included a stewardess
announcing to the plane that she had "hiccups." When she wheeled the cart to
me to offer drinks, I suggested that it was her diaphragm.
She looked at me and said without missing a beat,
"I hardly think so, it is safely tucked away in my purse."

After he dumped his girlfriend,
The cannibal wiped his ass.