XX - ADULT PUNS!

Said Mrs. Nixon to Mrs. Kennedy on the eve of the 1960 election,
"I slept with the future president of the United States last night."
To which Mrs. Kennedy responded,
"That Jack will do anything for a vote."

The guest had heard the strains of classical music but when he entered the
drawing room he was amazed to see a large tomcat playing the piano.
"And there is no sheet music," he noted with further astonishment.
"No," said the proud owner. "He writes and memorizes his own music, and the
piece he is playing now is one of my favourites."
"You should have him orchestrated," said the guest.
The cat leapt out of the window and has never been seen since.

The Masai tribe of Africa use cow manure as a cold cream for their
complexions.
Thus, the Masai get literally shit-faced.

A man enters a pharmacy and requested a supply of Viagra.
The clerk sends him over to speak with the pharmacist.
The pharmacist tells the man he would need a Doctor's prescription in order
for her to dispense the drug.
The man, seemingly pacified, leaves, and returns with a gun.
He pulled a hand gun and demanded Viagra again.
The pharmacist gave him four full bottles and two partial bottles, then the
man fled.
The police sergeant who was first on the scene pondered,
"This makes me wonder. Do we look for a hardened criminal?"

The middle-aged woman sought help from her doctor.
"All my husband does is complain that I never want to have sex with him. And
he's right too. I have no desire at all."
The doctor gave her a prescription and told her to return for a visit in two
weeks.
After the two weeks were up, she bounced smiling into his office.
"Those pills were great Doc, I'm doing it twice a night now."
"That's wonderful." said the doctor.
"What does your husband say now?"
"How should I know?" she replied. "I ain't been home yet."

A recent study concludes that having sex decreases your chances of getting a
cold.
The more sex you have, the less frequent you'll have a cold.
Just wait until guys hear of this.
A woman sneezes and he'll be saying,
"Hey, I got something for that!"

Did you hear about the diner that promotes safe sex?
They write the bill on a condom.
In that way you can wine and dine your date, and stick her with the bill.

What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
They're intended for children,
but it's the men who usually end up playing with them.