Some old, some ancient and one or two might be new

1. Two  blondes walk into a building ....... you'd think at least one
of  them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message -  '...If you want to buy
marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A  guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for
shorts.  The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I  went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't  find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet  him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He  said, 'No, the steaks
are too high.'

6. My friend drowned in  a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7 . A man  came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted,  'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied,
'I know  you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

8. I went to a seafood  disco last week and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting  in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank,  proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his  van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped  himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry  growing out of his
head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put  on it.'

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green  Grass of Home'. 'That
sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it  common?' 'It's not unusual.'

13. A man takes his Rottweiller  to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for  him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have
a look at him'.   So he picks the dog up  and examines his eyes, then
he checks his teeth. Finally, he says,  'I'm going to have to put him
down.' 'What? Because he's  cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really
heavy'.

14. What do you  call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. So I was getting into  my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you
give me a lift?' I said  'Sure, you look great, the world's your
oyster, go for it..'

16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.  There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's  either my mum or
my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger  brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.

17. Two fat  blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The
other one  says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'

18. Police arrested two  kids yesterday, one was drinking battery
acid, and the other was  eating fireworks. They charged one and let
the other one off.

19. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my  driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said,  'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice.'

20. A man walked into the  doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in
several places'. The doctor  said, 'Well don't go there anymore!

21. Ireland 's worst air  disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna  plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search
and rescue workers have  recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that
number to climb as  digging continues into the  night.