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Monday, April 30, 2012

NEW Book Titles

The French Chef - By Sue Flay
Unemployed - By Anita Job
Off to Market - By Tobias A. Pigg
I Lived in Detroit - by Helen Earth
Inflammation, Please - by Arthur It is
Handel's Messiah - by Ollie Luyah
Downpour! - by Wayne Dwops
Cloning - by Ima Dubble
Irish Flooring - by Lynn O'Leum
Holmes Does it Again - by Scott Linyard
Home Alone IV - by Eddie Buddyhome
Neither a Borrower - by Nora Lender Bee
The Scent of a Man - by Jim Nasium
Is O. J. Guilty? - by Howard I. Know
Animal Illnesses - by Ann Thrax
French Overpopulation - by Francis Crowded
Fallen Underwear - by Lucy Lastic
House Construction - by Bill Jerome Home
Yellow River - by Iam Ping
Lewis Carroll - by Alison Wonderland
Leo Tolstoy - by Warren Peace
The L. A. Lakers Breakfast - by Kareem O' Wheat
Why Cars Stop - by M. T. Tank
Wind in the Willows - by Russell Ingleaves
Look Younger - by Fay Slift
Mountain Climbing - by Andover Hand
It's Springtime! - by Theresa Green
No! - by Kurt Reply

XX ADULT PUNS!

Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies
Bad girls know they could do it better
Naughty girls do it with whips and chains

QUOTES FROM ANIMAL ROMANCE NOVELS

- The muscular ram grabbed her by the wooly tuft on the back of her neck and
with a sinful gleam in his eye said,
"You've been a very baa-AA-AA-AA-AA-aad girl."

- He didn't need the love of a female.
He didn't need a male, either, for that matter.
He was a worm.
He had it all.

- His torrid affair with the donkey left him smelling like ass.

- Squeezing his octopus companion tightly with his tentacles, Oliver felt
shame as he prematurely released his ink.

- Polly's new man was like all the others.
He never seemed to ask what she really wanted, choosing instead to
insistently repeat his offer of a cracker.

- "Your bulging green eyes, your powerful jaws
-- I think I'm losing my head over you, darling."

What can Life Savers do that men cannot?
Come in five flavours

Thursday, April 26, 2012

XXX ADULT PUNS!

When Schliemann discovered the ruins of Troy, he found a stone carving which
told the story that Helen slept with Paris and Hector.
Schliemann called it Ménage à Troy.

I was chatting to this fit girl at work telling her about my fishing
weekend.
She said
"Ooh sounds fun, how about I come round your place after work? You can get
your rod out and show me your tackle" with a wink.
I'm starting to panic, she'll be round in 10 minutes and I can't find my
fishing rod anywhere!

A Cub Scout graduates to a Boy Scout after he has eaten his first Brownie.

A judge in Maine has ruled that women, but not men, can jog naked in public,
for you men who are making their mid-summer vacation plans.
Turns out the law in Maine says an offence of appearing nude is committed
only if the genitals are knowingly exposed in public.
The judge says that women's genitals are primarily internal and therefore
cannot be exposed.
How did this come up at the trial of two women arrested for running nude?
They won their case by asking just ONE question of the arresting police
officer.
He was asked whether he saw their genitals during the incident.
"Not that I recall," he replied.
Case closed.

Women went wild over the professional stud
Because
They liked the way his balls would jiggle low.

Back in the 1960's white activists often got their hair styled in an Afro --
a large bush-style hairdo -- to show support for civil rights.
One such fellow did so, and arrived home smiling and announced that he'd
also teased all his pubic hair into the same bushy style.
His wife, who had had it with her spouse's endless posturing, sneered,
"Great! Just great! Now, during foreplay, I'll have to look for a needle in
a haystack!"

Things you learn in Porn films:
If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man,
She will not scream with embarrassment,
But
Rather insist he have sex with her.

A guy walks into a clinic to have his blood type taken.
The nurse goes about taking the blood sample from his finger after finishing
she looks around for a piece of cotton to wipe away the excess blood.
She can't find it so she looks innocently at the guy and takes his finger
and sucks it.
The guy is so pleased he asks,
"Do you think I could have a urine test done?"

The doctor, taking a sex-behaviour history, asked:
"How many orgasms did you have last week?"
The answer:
"Counting masturbation and wet dreams?"

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge,
So, he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.
At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting
for Walt, (the manager) to finish waiting on a customer..
When Walt was finished, Mary asked.
"How much for that faucet?"
Walt replied,
"That's pewter and it costs $300."
"My goodness that sure is a lot," Mary exclaimed.
Then, she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy,
and Walt went to the back room to find it. From the back room Walt yelled,
"Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
Mary replied,
"No, but I will for the faucet."

"Doctor I think my breasts are filled with water."
"Water! How's that possible?"
"Whenever someone presses them my pussy gets wet."

A Redneck went to the hospital as his wife was having a baby.

Upon arriving he sits down, and the nurse says,
"Congratulations, your wife has had quins, 5 big baby boys."
The Redneck says, "I'm not surprised, I have a dick like a chimney."
The nurse replies, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned....... the
babies are black."

Night Nurse

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an
18-hour shift. Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal
thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she
realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and
without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great....that's just great..........some asshole's
got my pen!'

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

February 2012 Airport X-Ray Screening Statistics

Statistics on Airport Screening from the Department Of Homeland Security

Terrorists Discovered 0
Transvestites 133
Hernias 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172
Enlarged Prostates 8,249
Breast Implants 59,350
Natural Blondes 3

An experience

I would like to share an experience with you all about drinking and driving.

As you well know some of us have been known to have had rare brushes with
the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had
a few too many beers and some shots.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit I did something
I've never done before…

I took a bus home.

Sure enough, I passed a DUI checkpoint, but as it was a bus they waved it
through.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have
never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it!

XX ADULT PUNS!

There was a young fool name of Raines,
To get laid, he'd go to great pains,
Never a genius,
He thought with his penis,
But his prick was as dumb as his brains.

Hollywood is remaking 'The Exorcist'.
Its about a mother who hires the Devil to get a priest out of her son!

Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest.
Her mother warned her
"Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will
catch you and suck your tits dry!"
Little Red started towards her grandmother's house but decided to take the
shortcut through the forest anyway.
A turtle stopped Little Red and warned her
"Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll
suck your tits dry!"
Little Red was almost there, so she kept going through the forest.
Sure enough, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of nowhere and tells her
"Take off your shirt Little Red Riding Hood. I'm going to suck your tits
dry!"
"Oh no you don't", yells Little Red, as she pulls up her skirt, "You're
going to eat me just like the story says!"

Nudist:
A buff that you just have to bare with who is wrapped up only in himself, on
whom nothing looks good, who puts on air, who grins and bares it, and who
wears a one-button suit.

The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast.
As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife,
"You aren't that good in bed either!"
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home.
After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone.
"What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?"
"I was in bed."
"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?"
"Getting a second opinion!

Things you learn in Porn films:
Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with their stuff.

A secretary walked into her boss's office and said,
"I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you."
"Why do you have to give me bad news?" grinned the boss. "Tell me good news
for once."
"All right. Here's good news," said the secretary. "You're not sterile!"

Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

As an enlisted sailor, I don't feel that the Navy is advancing me in rank
fast enough,
so I'm going to change my last name to Stains.
My guess is they would rather promote me than to have to refer to me as
Seaman Stains.

Q. What is 79.35?
A. 69 with a 15% tip.

Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil tycoon demanded that divorce
proceeding begin at one against is young wife. "What's the problem?"
"I want to hit that adulteress bitch for breach of contract," snapped the
magnate.
"I don't know if that'll fly," replied the lawyer. "I mean, your wife isn't
a piece of property, you do not own her."
"Damn right," the tycoon rejoined "but I sure as hell expect exclusive
drilling rights!

A wise man once said
Ignore most of what comes out of a woman's mouth unless you have to wipe it
and put it back into your trousers!

How to..

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed, they
couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would
just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a
gallon of paint, he then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple
of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry
his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who
told him she was lost, she asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603
Mockingbird Lane ?"

,The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that
house, I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, " Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket,
carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the
goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home,
on the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley, we'll
be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely
widow without a husband to defend me, how do I know that when we get in the
alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have
your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an, a gallon of
paint, two chickens, and a goose, how in the world could I possibly hold
you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put
the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

Pathan doesn't pay

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and
drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops – a few
people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.

At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a Pathan got on. Six feet four,
built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the
conductor and said, "Pathan doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.

Conductor didn't argue with Pathan, but he wasn't happy about it. The next
day the same thing happened – Pathan got on again, made a show of refusing
to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the next.

This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Pathan
was taking advantage of poor conductor. Finally he could stand it no longer.
He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good
stuff.

By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt
really good about himself. So, on the next Monday, when Pathan once again
got on the bus and said, "Pathan doesn't pay!"

The driver stood up, glared back at Pathan, and screamed, "And why not?"

With a surprised look on his face, Pathan replied, "Pathan has a bus pass."

Moral: Be sure there is a problem in the first place before working hard to
solve one.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

XX ADULT PUNS!

Good girls say no
Bad girls say when?
Naughty girls don't say anything,
They just moan and scream a lot.

Do you know what one tampon said to the other tampon?
Nothing, they are both stuck up bitches.

Johnny paints a sign that reads:
"WE MOVE ANYTHING FOR A DIME."
He tells his buddy Roy to get his wagon and both sit under a shade tree in
Johnny's front yard, waiting for business.
Kathy, across the street is not to be outdone,
So she paints a bigger sign that reads: "WE MOVE ANYTHING FOR A NICKEL."
She tells her friend Nellie to get her wagon, and they both sit in Kathy's
yard.
Now Johnny's really pissed.
How dare that girl?
Then, in a flash of inspiration Johnny hauls Roy across the street.
"Let's get some laughs."
"Say, Kathy, you'll move anything?"
"Give me a nickel and I'll prove it to you."
"Roy, give me your nickel!" Johnny takes it and hands it to Kathy.
"What you want moved, boy?"
"Move my bowels!" Johnny says and starts laughing.
So, Kathy kicks the shit out of him.

Masturbation:
Getting a good grip on yourself.

A man returns home from work and enters through the kitchen door.
He sees his wife on her hands and knees scrubbing the floor.
She only has an apron on,
So, the husband gets a big hard on and starts humping his wife doggy style.
When he is through he pulls out and at the same time hits her real hard
upside her head.
"What was that?" the wife screamed "Here I am being so nice to you, and
letting you really enjoy yourself. What did you hit me for?"
The husband looks at her and angrily says
"For not looking back to see who it was!"

The difference between a panty and a stage curtain is
When you pull down the stage curtain the show is over,
But
When you pull down a panty the show begins!

Two men playing golf were held up by two women playing in front of them.
One man said:
"I'll walk up to them and tell them to hurry up."
When he returned he said:
"I have a problem, one of the women is my wife and the other one is my
mistress."
The second man said:
"I'll walk up to them and hurry them up."
He came back and said:
"We both have the same problem."

Things you learn in Porn films:
Women wear high heels to bed.

A man was sitting at a bar, morosely staring at his untouched beer.
The bartender walked over with a sigh, and asked
"What's the problem, pal?"
"My brother just told me that there's a sperm bank in his neighbourhood that
pays $40 for a donation!" said the dejected gent.
"Yeah, so?" replied the barkeep.
"Don't you get it?" the man cried our. "I've already let a fortune slip
through my fingers!"

Bubba's wife caught him blow drying his penis this morning and asked him
what the hell he was doing.
Apparently,
"Heating up your breakfast" wasn't the right answer!

This guy went to hospital for a circumcision, but because of a mix up, he
ended up having a complete sex change.
All of the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking
up so they could give him the bad news. Naturally, the poor guy went to
pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him.
"Oh no!" he moaned, "this means I'll never be able to experience an erection
ever again!"
"Of course you will," one of the doctors soothed. "It'll just have to be
someone else's, that's all."

How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
None!
Blondes screw in Jacuzzis, not light bulbs.

XXX Bad language but funny

1) An Alcoholic, a Chain Smoker and a Homosexual go to the doctor. The
doctor says:
"If any of you indulge one more time you'll die."

As they walk home they pass a bar. The Alcoholic has a shot of whiskey,
falls off his stool stone cold dead. His friends are shocked.

As they walk along they come upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground still
burning.

The Homosexual looks at the Chain Smoker and says: "If you bend over to pick
that up, we're both dead!"
====================================
2) Teacher : Name three kings that brought happiness to people Student :
Smo-King , drin-King , fuc-king.
Teacher : WHAT ?????
Student : Jo-KING:)

Monday, April 23, 2012

XX ADULT PUNS!

Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it
Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it
Naughty girls own the entire Fantasia collection

As the high school teacher was correcting essays written by her students she
read,
"Pedro jumped on his burrow and rode off into the sunset."
She wrote at the bottom of the page,
"You obviously have problems with homonyms. A burrow is a hole in the
ground. A burro is an ass. At your age it's time to learn the difference.

Brothel:
A business dedicated to making sure the customer always comes first.

Bill was chuckling at the bar when his friend Mike joined him.
"Women, they think they're so smart," he said with a sly smile, going on to
explain that he'd eavesdropped on a phone conversation between his fiancee,
Lynn, and her best friend, Amy
"She said, 'Bill doesn't know it yet, but the only time I'm putting out is
when I want to get pregnant."
At this, Bill doubled over with laughter, and Mike looked at his friend with
some consternation,
"I'd be mad as a hatter! Why aren't you?" he asked.
"Why get mad?" answered Bill. "She'll never know I've had a vasectomy!"

"The search for the man who terrorizes nudist camps with a bacon slicer goes
on.
Inspector Lemuel Jones had a tip-off this morning, but hopes to be back on
duty tomorrow."

A female TV reporter arranged for an interview with a farmer, seeking the
main cause of Mad Cow disease.
The Lady:
"Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the possible source
of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?"
The Farmer stared at the reporter and said,
"Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"
The lady reporter (obviously embarrassed):
"Well, sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation
between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?" The Farmer:
"And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"
The reporter:
"Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the
point?"
The Farmer:
"I am getting to the point, Madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your
boobs twice a day and you were only having sex once a year, wouldn't you get
mad?"

The sign on the door of the whorehouse said,
"Beat it - We're closed."

An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much
younger salesman.
"Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked.
"Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa."
"You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested.
"Sectional schmectional." she bitterly retorted. "All I want is an
occasional piece in the living room!"

A friend of mine discovered that his wife had become a lesbian.
I asked what he was going to do now.
"Nothing!" he replied, "Why should I? I'm just crazy about the girl she's
going out with."

I was flying to Las Vegas recently and the flight included a stewardess
announcing to the plane that she had "hiccups." When she wheeled the cart to
me to offer drinks, I suggested that it was her diaphragm.
She looked at me and said without missing a beat,
"I hardly think so, it is safely tucked away in my purse."

After he dumped his girlfriend,
The cannibal wiped his ass.

A good pun is its own reword.

* A man's home is his castle,
In a manor of speaking.
* Dijon vu -
The same mustard as before.
* Shotgun wedding:
A case of wife or death.
* Sea captains don't like
Crew cuts.
* Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
* Reading while sunbathing makes
You well-red.
* When two egotists meet,
It's an I for an I.
* A bicycle can't stand on its own
Because it is two-tired.
* What's the definition of a will?
(Come on,
it's a dead giveaway!)
* Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.
* A backward poet writes in re-verse.
* In democracy your vote counts.
In feudalism your count votes.
* A chicken crossing the road is
Poultry in motion.
* You feel stuck with your debt
If you can't budge it.
* Every calendar's days are numbered.
* A lot of money is tainted.
It taint yours
And
It taint mine.
* A boiled egg in the morning is,
Hard to beat.
* He had a photographic memory
That was never developed.
* A plateau is,
A high form of flattery.
* Once you've seen one shopping centre,
You've seen a mall.
* When an actress saw her first strands of grey hair,
She thought she'd dye.
* Bakers trade bread recipes on a
Knead-to-know basis.
* Acupuncture is,
A jab well done!

Thursday, April 19, 2012

XX ADULT PUNS!

There was a young girl named Sapphire,
Who succumbed to her lover's desire,
She said: "It's a sin,
But now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"

Eunuch:
A man;
Who is fixed for life and has nothing more to lose,
Who hasn't got the balls to give some one else the shaft,
And
Who has no nuts and no dates.

Margaret decided she wanted to become a nurse.
Her first day at the hospital she was given several patients to bathe and
change their beds.
Her instructor arrived in the room just in time to hear the male patient
give a howl of pain.
The teacher took Margaret to one side and said.
"When we make the beds, we gently turn the patient to one side and push the
sheets up against his back. We then roll him over on the other side and pull
the sheets firm. We do NOT pick him up by his penis and shove the sheets
under him."

The women who went fishing with a group of men came back with a red snapper!

New studies show that women who drink tea are twice as likely to get
pregnant.
Related studies have revealed that women who drink Long Island Ice Tea are
twice as likely to wake up in the back seat of a Camaro with sticky hair.

Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking females.
One spots a real Cutie sitting on a pile of cow manure and dives down toward
her.
"Pardon me" he asks, turning on his best charm. "But is this stool taken?"

It was afternoon in the crowded cafeteria.
The elderly matron sitting at the counter was obviously upset at the
cigarette smoke of the young blond woman beside her.
Finally, the older woman could take it no longer.
She turned to the blond and bellowed with a loud voice,
"Young lady, I would rather commit adultery than smoke!"
"So would I," quipped the blond. "But, you know, there just isn't enough
time to get a good screw during a coffee break."

Is a penile colony where they send convicted rapists?

A hillbilly man and his new bride were on their honeymoon.
The husband jumps into bed to wait for his wife to get herself ready.
The wife comes out of the bathroom in a sexy negligee and says,
"Honey, I gotta ask you sumthin'. Be gentle with me 'cause I'm a virgin."
The man grabs his clothes and rushes out of the house yelling at the top of
his lungs.
He heads straight to his father's house.
When he gets there, his father says,
"Son, what in tarnation are you doin' here, dang it? You're supposed to be
on your honeymoon with your new gal!"
The son says,
"Pa, she told me a big secret of hers. She's a virgin, durn it!"
"Damn, son. You did the right thing by leaving. If she ain't good enough for
her own family, she sure as hell ain't good enough for ours!"

"I took a vacation to Florida."
"Tampa with your girlfriend?"
"I sure did-again and again!"
"Well, my girlfriend and I went to the Caribbean, and we made love three
times a day" "Jamaica?"
"No, she did it quite voluntarily."

Marsha completed four weeks of dental restoration with the dentist.
She confided to her best friend that she had fallen in love with her
dentist.
And she was going to propose to him.
Her friend said,
"Marsha you're 34 years old, you're beautiful, you have dozens of men that
adore you. Why this dentist?"
"Because he is the first man that ever said to me, 'Spit, don't swallow.'"

HAIRDRESSERS give the best blow jobs.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Dig Dig Dig

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated
each other.
Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the
night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out
of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced magic because of the many
strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.
The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he
died of a heart attack when he was 98.
His wife had a closed casket at the funeral.
After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as
if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked "Aren't you afraid that he
may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the
rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside
down. And I know he won't ask for directions."

XX- ADULT PUNS!

Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have a romance
Bad girls think no place is the wrong place
Naughty girls have sex all over the place

There's something about women that attracts me,
And
I'm trying to put my finger on it.

"Until I married your father, I never slept with a man," a stern mother told
her wild teenage daughter.
"Will you be able to tell your daughter the same thing?"
Her daughter replied,
"Sure, Mom, but probably not with such a straight face!"

The difference between mono and herpes is
You get mono when you snatch a kiss.

An Irishman went to the doctor and was asked to give a urine sample.
The Irishman asked,
"What's a urine sample?"
The doctor replied,
"Go piss in a bottle."
The Irishman retorted,
"Go shit in your hat!"
And the fight was on.

Way down in the deep south, in an area known as the 'Bible Belt,' there
lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation.
One morning, after a particularly moving sermon, he announced,
"Friends I have been hearing very nasty rumours!"
The crowd fell into an expectant silence.
The Minister continued,
"One of you, here among us, has been reporting that I am a member of the
dreaded 'Klu Klux Klan'. This, of course, is not true! I am asking that the
guilty party confess and apologize now - right here - before my flock of
loyal followers."
Sister Margaret quickly stood up and pleaded,
"Preacher, please, I don't know how this all came to be. I just mentioned to
one of my close friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?
A cock that stays up all night.

This young couple have been trying to have a baby.
After six months they complain to the doctor that they just aren't having
any luck.
"What position are you in when you ejaculate?" the physician asks Frank, the
husband.
"What's 'ejaculate'?" asks Frank.
"Well, uh, that's when you climax and semen is emitted," explained the
doctor patiently.
The young man looks puzzled for a few moments then asks,
"Do you mean the gooey white stuff? Well, my little honey says it's icky, so
I shoot it into the pillow."

A mother can get pregnant while nursing,
But
it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to
sleep first.

The wife appeared before the judge and said,
"I want a divorce from that jerk over there."
The judge said,
"Why do you want the divorce?"
"Because he's a terrible lover."
The judge asked,
"How long have you been married?"
"Fourteen years," she replied.
"I don't understand. Why did you wait 14 years to divorce your husband for
being a terrible lover?"
She said,
"Because, your honour, until this insurance salesman stopped by my house
last week, I didn't know."

Ant hole:
Where an uncle likes to come.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

XX Pussy Green

*An Irishman went to Confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.*
*
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I
had sex with Pussy Green twice last month.'

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail
Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it
has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Pussy Green
twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Pussy Green?'

'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replied.

'Very well,' sighed the priest.. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.

At mass the next Christmas morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the
sermon, a tall, Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous woman entered the sanctuary.
The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up
the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green
and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and
matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just
enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered,
*
*'Is that Pussy Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly
reply,
*
*'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'**.*

Here come the London Olympic Laffs

THE FIRST LONDON OLYMPICS JOKE…..
It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London.

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they
haven't got tickets.

The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and
walks to the gate.

"McTavish, Scotland," he says, "Discus" and in he walks in.

The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder.

"Waddington-Smith, England" he says, "Pole vault" and in he walks in.

The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks
it under his arm.
"O'Malley, Ireland" he says, "Fencing."

Impolite Things to Say at a Wake or Funeral

* Of course you'll miss him,
His credit cards ain't good no more.

* It's weird not seeing him drunk.

* Isn't that wool suit gonna be a little warm for Hell?

* Where did you get that ugly dress you burying her in, the green box?

* So, now that you're a widower,
Whose going to keep your bed warm?

* I was there when he died,
He was so mean,
The coroner ruled he died of natural causes even though he had two bullet
holes in back of his head.

* Now that you are single again lets go visit them Johnson girls.

* When you get that big insurance check how about giving me the $200 you owe
me!

* Man, you sure had them put that casket deep in the ground.

* Hey dude, throw them flowers in the hole too!

* First funeral I ever attended and the husband was at a Clemson/ USC
Football game.

* Son, Go look in the casket and see if that is your Mama,
Who that preacher is talking about!

* Whose idea was it to order 9 yds of concrete to cover that casket..
His ex-wife?

XX Naughty Jokes

Adult Jokes -read only if you want to !

(1) To make it straight, she pulls it..
      To make it stand, she rubs it.
      To make it stiff, she licks it.
      To put it in, she uses her fingers and push.
      It's hell of a job threading a needle!

(2) A guy donated blood to his girlfriend.
      When they broke up, he wanted his blood back.
    The girl threw a bloody kotex at him and said,
    I'll pay you in monthly installment.'

(3) Girl in cinema turns sideways and whispers to her boyfriend.
      'The man next to me is masturbating!'
      Bf: 'Ignore him.'
      Gf: 'I can't.'
      Bf: 'Why not?'
      Gf: 'He is using my hand!'

(4) The Bio teacher draws a huge dick on the board and asks 'Does
      anybody know what this is?
      Dirty Harry says 'Oh, it's a man;s dick and you know my dad's
got 2 of them?'
      The teacher says '2 of them?'
      Harry says 'ya! the little one he uses to pee, and the big one to
      brush mum's teeth.'

(5) 4 miracles of a woman
      Getting wet without taking a shower
      Bleeding without getting hurt
      Giving milk without eating grass
      Making boneless meat hard.

(6) What is the smallest hotel in the world?
      The answer is 'Vagina Inn'
      It accomodates only 1 standing occupant with
      his 2 baggages left outside.

(7) Unborn twins saw a weeny approaching.
1st: Papa coming, papa coming.
2nd: U fool, it's uncle John. Papa never comes with raincoat!

(8) A hubby said to his wife,
     'I will take a photo of your breast and frame it..'
     The wife said to husband,
   'I will take a photo of your weeny and enlarge it.'

(9) At 15, a girl is a SURPRISE.
      At 25, she is the RIGHT PRIZE.
      At 35, a GRAND PRIZE.
      At 45, a CONSOLATION PRIZE.
      At 55, she is a DOOR PRIZE, and
      at 65, a GIVEAWAY PRIZE.

(10) The vagina is the world's best rehabilitation/correction centre.
Even the most violent and aggressive dicks come out humbled,
head bowed and reduced in size.

(11)   Lady was trying on a dress.
        Husband: 'Your bum is as big as a BBQ pit!'
        Later in bed, husband said, 'Want to do it?'
        Wife: 'It's a waste lighting up a BBQ pit for a small sausage.'

XX ADULT PUNS!

On the breasts of a harlot from Yale
Was tattooed the price of her tail
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was the same information in Braille.

My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual,
It makes it kind of hard for him to come out of the closet.

A blonde participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms.
She answered,
"Well, that depends on what's in it for me."

The first old geezer said,
"My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I cut my face!"
The second old fogey one-upped him.
"My hands shake so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced all
my flowers!"
The third old man laughed and said,
"That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I
came three times."

A man's urine is yellow and his sperm white so he can tell if he is coming
or going.

A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER.
She said that she and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off
and she wasn't able to retrieve it with her fingers.
She went to the bathroom and "gagged myself to vomit but couldn't vomit it
up either."

If you think that sex is a pain in the ass,
You're doing it wrong.

Jeff meets Doug at the bar after work.
Doug is really upset.
"What's wrong, pal?" Jeff asked. "You look really down."
"I am. My wife said she wants to have sex in the back seat of the car."
Doug replied.
"So what's wrong with that?" Jeff asked seeming somewhat confused.
"Well," Doug sighs, "she said she wants me to be the one driving the car."

Sign in a public men's lavatory:
"We aim to please.
Won't you aim too, please?"

Two gays are living together.
Bruce goes out to work while Cyril stays at home everyday to do the
housework.
One day, Bruce comes home and finds Cyril with his bum in the fridge.
"What are you doing, Cyril?" he asks.
To which the Cyril replies,
"Oh, Bruce, I thought you might like something nice and cool to slip into
when you came home."

Monday, April 16, 2012

XX - ADULT PUNS!

Said Mrs. Nixon to Mrs. Kennedy on the eve of the 1960 election,
"I slept with the future president of the United States last night."
To which Mrs. Kennedy responded,
"That Jack will do anything for a vote."

The guest had heard the strains of classical music but when he entered the
drawing room he was amazed to see a large tomcat playing the piano.
"And there is no sheet music," he noted with further astonishment.
"No," said the proud owner. "He writes and memorizes his own music, and the
piece he is playing now is one of my favourites."
"You should have him orchestrated," said the guest.
The cat leapt out of the window and has never been seen since.

The Masai tribe of Africa use cow manure as a cold cream for their
complexions.
Thus, the Masai get literally shit-faced.

A man enters a pharmacy and requested a supply of Viagra.
The clerk sends him over to speak with the pharmacist.
The pharmacist tells the man he would need a Doctor's prescription in order
for her to dispense the drug.
The man, seemingly pacified, leaves, and returns with a gun.
He pulled a hand gun and demanded Viagra again.
The pharmacist gave him four full bottles and two partial bottles, then the
man fled.
The police sergeant who was first on the scene pondered,
"This makes me wonder. Do we look for a hardened criminal?"

The middle-aged woman sought help from her doctor.
"All my husband does is complain that I never want to have sex with him. And
he's right too. I have no desire at all."
The doctor gave her a prescription and told her to return for a visit in two
weeks.
After the two weeks were up, she bounced smiling into his office.
"Those pills were great Doc, I'm doing it twice a night now."
"That's wonderful." said the doctor.
"What does your husband say now?"
"How should I know?" she replied. "I ain't been home yet."

A recent study concludes that having sex decreases your chances of getting a
cold.
The more sex you have, the less frequent you'll have a cold.
Just wait until guys hear of this.
A woman sneezes and he'll be saying,
"Hey, I got something for that!"

Did you hear about the diner that promotes safe sex?
They write the bill on a condom.
In that way you can wine and dine your date, and stick her with the bill.

What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
They're intended for children,
but it's the men who usually end up playing with them.

Angela Merkel arrives at passport control in Athens ...

Angela Merkel arrives at passport control in Athens ...

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days".

Saturday, April 14, 2012

XX Mr Cadbury & Miss Rowntree ... Super!

You need to know your British Sweets to appreciate this one.

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.

It was just After Eight.

They got off at Quality Street .

He asked her name. 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said with a Wispa.

'I'm Marathon , the one with the nuts' he replied.

He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.

Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple.

He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.

Soon they were Heart Throbs.

It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.

But, 3 days later, his Sherbet Dip Dab started to itch.

Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts!

Friday, April 13, 2012

Charge of $20 for marital obligations

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked
for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love,
for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to
afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband
very drunk
During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going
through a process of corporate downsizing and he had been let go. It
was unlikely that, at the age of 59,
he'd be able to find another job.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years
of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million.
Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were
worth over $2 million.
She explained that she had 'charged' him for sex, and these were the results
of her savings and investments.
The husband was so astounded he could barely speak.
Finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you
were doing, I would have had sex only with you.'

That's when she shot him.

Men just don't know when to keep their mouth shut ,
Specially when drunk !

Thursday, April 12, 2012

X Jewish Board of Directors

Schwartz, Cohen and Ginsburg were all close friends since childhood.
They decided they wanted to go into business together.
Schwartz says, "OK! I'll invest $100,000."
Cohen says, "I will go for $200,000".
Ginsburg says, "All right, I'll put in $1,000."

Cohen says, "If I'm putting in $200,000, I'll be the President and CEO of
the corporation; you, Schwartz, for your $100,000, you can be Vice President
and CFO; and Ginsburg, for your $1,000, you will be our Sexual Adviser."

Puzzled, Ginsburg asks Cohen, "What is a Sexual Adviser?"
Cohen replies, "When we want your fucking advice, we'll ask for it."

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Think about it

1. If time doesn't wait for you, don't worry!

Just remove the damn battery from the clock and Enjoy life!

2. Expecting the world to treat u fairly coz u r a good person is like

expecting the lion not to attack u coz u r a vegetarian.

Think about it.

3. Don't walk as if you rule the world,

walk as if you don't care who rules the world!

That's called Attitude…! Keep on rocking!

4. Every lady hopes

that her daughter will marry a better man than she did

and is convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father
did!!!

5. He was a good man. He never smoked, drank had no affair.

When he died, the insurance company refused the claim.

They said, he who never lived, cannot die!

6. A man threw his wife in a pond of Crocodiles?

He's now being harassed by the Animal Rights Activists for being cruel to
the Crocodiles!

7. So many options for suicide:

Poison, sleeping pills, hanging,

jumping from a building, lying on train tracks,

but we chose Marriage, slow sure!

8. Only 20 percent boys have brains, rest have girlfriends!

9. All desirable things in life are either

illegal, banned, expensive or married to someone else!

10. Laziness is our biggest enemy- Jawaharlal Nehru

We should learn to love our enemies- Mahatma Gandhi

11. 10% of road accidents are due to drunken driving.

Which makes it a logical statement that

90% of accidents are due to driving without drinking!

Monday, April 09, 2012

Wonderfully described

CIGARETTE:
A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the
other!

MARRIAGE:
It's an agreement wherein a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains
her master

LECTURE:
An art of transmitting Information
from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of students without passing
through the minds of either.

CONFERENCE:
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

COMPROMISE:
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the
biggest piece.

TEARS:
The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine
water-power!

CONFERENCE ROOM:
A place where everybody talks,
nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

ECSTASY:
A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt
before.

CLASSIC:
A book which people praise, but never read.

SMILE:
A curve that can set a lot of things straight!

OFFICE:
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life

YAWN:
The only time when some married men ever get to open their mouth.

EXPERIENCE:
The name men give to their Mistakes.

DIPLOMAT:
A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look
forward to the trip.

OPTIMIST:
A person who while falling from EIFFEL TOWER says in midway "SEE I AM NOT
INJURED YET!"

MISER:
A person who lives poor so that he can die RICH!

FATHER:
A banker provided by nature.

BOSS:
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

POLITICIAN:
One who shakes your Hand before elections and your Confidence later.

DOCTOR:
A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by his bills!

Thursday, April 05, 2012

Leno

Goldman Sachs sold their shares in the New York paper "Village Voice"
because its back page has ads for prostitution. Goldman Sachs said the
only people that should pay to get screwed are their clients.

The green thing

Checking out at Coles, the young cashier suggested to the older
woman that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic
bags weren't good for the environment.

The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this green
thing back in my earlier days."

The clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did
not care enough to save our environment for future generations."
She was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, pop bottles and beer bottles to
the shop. The shop sent them back to the plant to be washed and
sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and
over. So they really were re cycled. But we didn't have the green
thing back in our day.

We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every
store and office building. We walked to the grocers and didn't
climb into a 200-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.
But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby's nappies because we didn't have the
throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy
gobbling machine burning up 2000 watts -- wind and solar power
really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got
hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always
brand-new clothing. But that young lady is right. We didn't have
the green thing back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in
every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief
(remember them?), not a screen the size of Yorkshire. In the
kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have
electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a
fragile item to send in the post, we used wadded up old newspapers
to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then,
we didn't fire up an engine and burn petrol just to cut the lawn. We
used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working
so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that
operate on electricity. But she's right. We didn't have the green
thing back then.

When we were thirsty we drank from a tap instead of drinking from a
plastic bottle of water which was tossed into landfill. We
refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we
replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the
whole razor just because the blade got dull. But we didn't have
the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the bus and kids rode their bikes to school
or walked instead of turning their mums into a 24-hour taxi service.
We had one electrical socket in a room, not an entire bank of
sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a
computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites
2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest fish and chip shop.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old
folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish, grumpy old git who needs
a lesson in conservation from a smartass young person.

Remember: Don't make old people mad.

We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much
to piss us off.

Dr. Smith's Prescriptions.

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her breasts.
Dr. Smith advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say,
'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'
Sceptically, she did this faithfully and to her utter amazement she grew
terrific D-cup boobs over the next few months!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized
she had forgotten her morning ritual.

Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little
rhyme, she discretely rubbed and quietly said 'Scooby doobie, doobies, I
want bigger boobies.'

A guy sitting opposite her, overhearing this, looked around at her and
asked,
'Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. Smith's by any chance?

'Yes I am she said... How did you know?'

He winked at her and replied, " Hickory dickory dock "

A Lady On Phone with Mr X...

"Hello Mr X?
Sir, I want To Meet & Talk To You.
You Are The Father Of One Of My Kids."

Stunned and shocked Mr X screamed:
"Oh my God!
I am married and so careful with modern prevention tactics and how
could this happen to you?
You can ruin me"

Are you Soni?

Lady replied, "No."

Then Pramila?

No, No.

Mita?

No, No, No

Rupali?

No, No, No, No.

Sunita?

No, No, No, No, No.

Kamali?

No...oo.

Lady in confusion scolded Mr X:
"Sir, I am The Class Teacher Of Your Son!"

Seven Degrees of "Blonde"

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang
at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone,
listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles
from here!' and hung up.The husband said, 'Who was that?'

The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is
clear.'

SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror
and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'

The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'

So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'

THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and
buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the
door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really
angry.

She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is
overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'

FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.'

A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
The blonde replies,'Oh, that's easy .. it's W.'

FIFTH DEGREE
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'

SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US
Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what
Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision
George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware ..'

SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio,
and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde
ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then
sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come
home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what
do
they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'

Wednesday, April 04, 2012

Medical Examination

Doctor, to Lady, during her examination: "Your heart, lungs, pulse &

BP are fine. Now let me see that little thing which gets you ladies into all
kinds of trouble."

Lady started taking off her clothes . . .

Doctor, stopping her: "No! No! Pls put on your clothes.

JUST SHOW ME YOUR TONGUE!"

Don't fall for it!!!!

An old priest got tired of everyone in his parish confessing adultery.
During one Sunday sermon, he told them, "If one more person confesses to
adultery, I'll quit!"
Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word "fallen".
From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had "fallen".
This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was
fine for years until years later, when the old priest passed away.
Soon after, the new young priest who had taken over felt it necessary to
call on the mayor.
The priest was concerned. "You have to do something about the sidewalks
in this town, Mayor. You can't believe how many people come into the
confessional talking about having fallen!"
The mayor started to laugh, realising that no one had explained the code
word to the new priest.
Seeing that the mayor was not taking him seriously, the priest declared,
"I don't know why you're laughing. Your wife fell three times last
week!"

Some old, some ancient and one or two might be new

1. Two blondes walk into a building ....... you'd think at least one
of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy
marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for
shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks
are too high.'

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied,
'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his
head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'. 'That
sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

13. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have
a look at him'. So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then
he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him
down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really
heavy'.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you
give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your
oyster, go for it..'

16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or
my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.

17. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The
other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'

18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery
acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let
the other one off.

19. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice.'

20. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in
several places'. The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore!

21. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search
and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that
number to climb as digging continues into the night.

Tuesday, April 03, 2012

A MINNESOTA FARMER NAMED OLIE HAD A CAR ACCIDENT.

HE WAS HIT BY A TRUCK OWNED BY THE EVERSWEET COMPANY

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot attorney questioned him thus:

'Didn't you say to the state trooper at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?"

Olie responded: 'vell, I'lla tell you vat happened dere. I' yust
loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer
the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
fine!'?'

Olie said, 'vell, I'd yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas
drivin' down da road.... '

The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Your Honor, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the
accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now
several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I
believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.
'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Olie's answer and
said to the attorney: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favorite cow, Bessie'.

Olie said: 'Tank you' and proceeded. 'vell as I vas saying, I had yust
loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her
down de road vin dis huge Eversweet truck and
trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da
side by golly. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da
udder ditch.

By yimminy yahosaphat I vas hurt, purty durn bad, and didn't want to
move. An even vurse dan dat,, I could hear old Bessie a moanin' and a
groanin'. I knew she vas in terrible pain yust by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He
could hear Bessie a moanin' and a groanin' too, so he vent over to
her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his
gun and shot her right between the
eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me,
and said, 'How are you feelin'?'

'Now wot da fock vud you say?'

Monday, April 02, 2012

Racism Joke

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Sarson Da Tel?" ( Mustard
OIL)

The clerk says "you a Sikh" ?

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian Olive Oil, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Sarson Da Tel, why did you
say I am a Sikh?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in a Liquor Store."

Algebra

A kid wrote in his maths answer sheet.

Dear algebra
I am sick & tired of finding your X.
Just accept the fact that she's gone.
Move on dude, find someone else.

Don't even ask Y!!!

Sex drive

A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says,"Doc, I want my sex
drive lowered."

"Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all
in your head?"

"You're darned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it
lowered!"

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