Jokes, Quips and Funstuff .....www.jokehaus.com: March 2007

Saturday, March 31, 2007

Octane Hooch

Dick & Ed were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft
mechanics in Dublin.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar
with nothing to do.

Dick said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
Ed says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink
jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hootch and
got completely smashed.

The next morning Dick wakes up and is surprised at
how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover!

NO bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Ed.
Ed says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Dick says, "I feel great. How about you?"
Ed says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

Dick says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing.
We ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, well there's just one thing."
"What's that?"

"Have you farted yet?"

"No "

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in London"

God went to the Arabs and said,
" I have Commandments for you, that will make your lives better "
The Arabs asked,
"What are Commandments ? Can you give us an example?"
God said,
" For example ........... Thou shall not kill "
The Arabs were shocked!
"What ? Not kill? No way! Killing people is our birth-right and the only reason for our existence. No! We are not interested "

So, God went to the Africans and said,
" I have Commandments "
The Africans wanted an example.
God said,
"For example ........... Honor thy Father and Mother "
The Africans were dismayed!
They said,
"Father? Yo maan ! Can't tell for sure, who our fathers are, maan ! "

So, God went to the Mexicans and said,
"I have Commandments "
The Mexicans wanted an example.
God said, " For example .......... Thou shall not steal"
The Mexicans were flabbergasted!
They said,
"No steal? No steal??? Hey Senor, we no steal then how we live, huh ? Gracias, but no ! "

So, God went to the French and said,
"I have Commandments "
The French wanted an example.
God said,
"For example ........... Thou shall not commit adultery"
The French were stunned!
They said,
"What ? Not commit ze adultery........ ? Non, Non, Non. Non Monsieur. Pardonnez nous. We ze French, must have ze romance "

So, God went to the Jews and said,
"I have Commandments "
They asked,
"Commandments ? How much do they cost ?"
God replied,
"They are free "
Jews answered,
"Good. We shall take TEN !!! "

Never too old

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hard-ware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.
He then stopped by the feed-store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked,
"Can you tell me how to get to 1603, Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said,
"Well, as matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested,
"Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says
"Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said,
"I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"
The farmer said,
"Holy smokes, lady! I'm carrying a bucket, and, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The old lady replied,
"Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

Living Wills :

While I was watching the news last weekend,
my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need
for living wills.

During the course of the conversation I told
her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some
machine and taking fluids from a bottle.

She promptly got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

Sometimes it's tough being married to a smart ass.

Good Morning

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time,
and this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director
what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should
be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bath tub, and then we
offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or
her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor... "A normal person would use
the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do
you want a bed near the window?"

Friday, March 30, 2007

a few laughs

Ain't it the Truth!!!
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"115," she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 140.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".

She then takes her blood pressure
And tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams,
"When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!"

............
Flour and Water

How come when you mix water and flour together

you get glue?..

and then you add eggs

and sugar...
and you get cake?

Where did the glue go ?
NEED AN ANSWER?
You know darned well where it went!

That's what makes the cake
Stick to your BUTT

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock , 6
miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital
watches!"

********************************************************************************

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45
Degrees."

TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much
noise can we make up

Here?"

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes
when it hits a

727?
"

**************************************************************************

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long
takeoff queue: "I'm

F...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting,
identify yourself

Immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not
f...ing stupid!"

***********************************************************************************

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy,
your traffic is a

Fokker, one o'clock , three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say
this...I've got the

Little Fokker in sight."

******************************************************************************

A student became lost during a solo cross-country
flight. While

Attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked,
"What was your

Last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

**************************************************************************

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an
exceedingly long roll

Out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right
turn at the end

Of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able,
take the Guadeloupe
Exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and
return to the

Airport."

********************************************************************************

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in
Munich , overheard

The following:

Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what is our start
clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must
speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a
German airplane, in

Germany . Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful
British accent):

"Because you lost the bloody war!"

**************************************************************************

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact
Departure on frequency

124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to
Departure. By the

Way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead
animal on the far end

Of the runway."

Tower: " Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind
Eastern 702,

Contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy
that report from

Eastern 702?"

BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for
takeoff, roger; and

Yes, we copied Eastern... We've already notified our
caterers."

******************************************************************************

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the
tower to hold short

Of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8
landed, rolled out,

Turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some
quick-witted

Comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,
"What a cute little

Plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by,
came back with a

Real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another
landing like yours

And I'll have enough parts for another one."

*******

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are
renowned as a

Short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know
one's gate parking

Location, but how to get there without any assistance
from them. So it

Was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747)
listened to the following

Exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a
British Airways 747,

Call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of
active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to
a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are
going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our
gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird
206, have you not

Been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it
was dark, -- And I

Didn't land."

**************************************************************************

While taxiing at London 's ,t Airport, the crew of a
US Air flight

Departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and
came nose to nose

With a United 727. An irate female ground controller
lashed out at the

US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell
are you going? I

Told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You
turned right on Delta!

Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to
tell the difference

between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was
now shouting

hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up!
It'll take forever

to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move
till I tell you

to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in
about half an hour,

and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I
tell you, and how

I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency
fell terribly

silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody
wanted to chance

engaging the irate ground controller in her current
state of mind.

Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was
definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed
his microphone,

asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?

===================================================

XX - Wow! Girls, hurry up and hang out your bras!!!

Amit was a high-ranking official in King Akbar's court. He had one
long-standing wish - to suck the Queen's voluptuous breasts until his
heart was content.

Every time he passed by the Queen he got more frustrated. One day, he
revealed his desire to the King's chief adviser, Birbal, and begged
him to do something about it. Birbal, after much thought, agreed on
the condition that, afterward, Amit would have to pay Birbal 1,000
gold coins for arranging things. Amit agreed.

The next day Birbal prepared an itching lotion and poured it into the
Queen's bra, which she had left out while she was taking a bath.

Soon the itching started and grew in intensity, much to the King's anxiety.

Consultations with doctors and Birbal revealed that only special
saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure it. Birbal also added
that such saliva was only to be found in Amit's mouth. King Akbar
summoned Amit, and for the next four hours Amit violently sucked the
Queen's breasts. Licking, biting, pressing, playing,he got what he
always desired.

Satisfied, he returned and met Birbal but since his mission was over
and his lust satisfied, he refused to pay Birbal anything, and in fact
he shooed him away. Amit of course knew that Birbal could never report
this matter to the King.

But Amit had underestimated Birbal. Next day, revengefully, Birbal put
the same itching lotion in King Akbar's underwear. ................

And of course, Amit was again summoned by the
King.....................................

A couple made a deal

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and
inform the other of the after life.

The woman's biggest fear was that there was no heaven. After a long
life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made
contact.

"Mary... Mary..." Awestruck, Mary responds, "Is that you Fred?"

"Yes, I have come back like we agreed."

"Well, what is it like?" Fred excitedly tells his tale,

"Well, when I get up in the morning I have sex, then I have breakfast,
then I have sex again, then I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice
more, then I have lunch, then I have sex all afternoon and into the
early evening, until bedtime. And, then, I start all over again the
next day

" So happy Mary says, "Oh Fred, you surely must be in heaven." Fred replies,

"Hell no, Mary, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Linoleum Blownapart

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.
Then it hit me.

Police were called to a daycare where a
three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was
cut off? He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was
Sir Cumference.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was
a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He
became a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be
charged with stalking.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they
always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

The professor discovered that her theory of
earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could
jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead
giveaway)

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in
feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get
repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll
show you A flat miner

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was
fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France,
resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint
mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never
developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Those who get too big for their britches will be
exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a
mall.

When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she
thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Fantastic Fotos

Press Enter and then Click on arrows at the bottom of the slides to see the next slide(s)...

That was me ..

A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to
put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the
mailboxes wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman; so she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open and it was obvious that she had
nothing else on. The poor fellow broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye
contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,
"Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment. She closed the door and leant
against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred
at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears?! Look at these boobs,
they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and
solid! Look at my skin-no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the
best part of my body is my ears? "
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard
someone coming? That was me."

If only they'd thought a bit more...

All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time
considering how their online names might appear ... and be misread.
These are not made up. Check them out yourself!

1* Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that
represents any celebrity. Their Web site is www.whorepresents.com

2* Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange
advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com

3* Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net

4* Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com

5* There's the Italian Power Generator company, www.powergenitalia.com

6* And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales, mate!

www.molestationnursery.com

7* If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always
www.ipanywhere.com

8* The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is www.cummingfirst.com

9* And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site,
www.speedofart.com

Difference between Focusing on Problems and Focusing on Solutions

Case 1
When NASA began the launch of astronauts into space, they found out that
the pens wouldn't work at zero gravity (ink won't flow down to the writing
surface). To solve this problem, it took them one decade and $12 million.
They developed a pen that worked at zero gravity, upside down, underwater, in practically any surface including crystal and in a temperature range from below freezing to over 300 degrees C.

And what did the Russians do...?? They used a pencil .

Case 2
One of the most memorable case studies on Japanese management was the case of the empty soapbox, which happened in one of Japan 's biggest cosmetics companies. The company received a complaint that a consumer had bought a soapbox that was empty. Immediately the authorities isolated the problem to the assembly! line, which transported all the packaged boxes of soap to the delivery department. For some reason, one soapbox went through the assembly line empty. Management asked its engineers to solve the problem.

Post-haste, the engineers worked hard to devise an X-ray machine with
high-resolution monitors manned by two people to watch all the soapboxes
that passed through the line to make sure they were not empty. No doubt,
they worked hard and they worked fast but they spent a whoopee amount to do so.

But when a rank-and-file employee in a small company was posed with the
same problem, he did not get into complications of X-rays, etc., but
instead came out with another solution. He bought a strong industrial
electric fan and pointed it at the assembly line. He switched the fan on,
and as each soapbox passed the fan, it simply blew the empty boxes out of
the line.

Moral: Always look for simple solutions. Devise the simplest possible
solution that solves the problems. Always focus on solutions & not on
problems. So the end of the day the thing that really matters is HOW ONE
LOOK INTO THE PROBLEM and Resolve early.

Staff Notice

With immediate effect, a toilet policy will be established to provide a
more consistent method of accounting for staff, ensuring effective time
management and equal treatment for all. On the first day of every month,
all staff will be issued 20 toilet trip credits which may be accumulated.

The doors to all toilets will be equipped with computer-linked voice
recognition devices. Staff must immediately provide management with two
voiceprints, one normal and one under stress. Once the employee's toilet
trip bank reaches zero, the doors of the toilet will not unlock for the
employee's voice until the first of the month.

In addition, all cubicles are to be equipped with timed paper-roll
extractors. If the toilet is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm
will sound. Thirty seconds later, the roll of toilet paper will retract
into the dispenser, the toilet will flush and the door will open
automatically. If the toilet remains occupied, your photograph will be
taken by a security camera and will appear on the Toilet Offenders Board.
Anyone appearing three times will forfeit three months' toilet trip
credits. Anyone caught smiling when the photograph is taken will
undergo counseling by a clinical psychologist.

Be advised that workmen's compensation insurance does not cover any
injuries incurred while trying to stop the toilet paper retracting into the
dispenser.

MANAGEMENT

Fathers

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Funnies

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very
sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you
want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.
**************************************************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into
the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,
"Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
**************************************************

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and
the other is a husband.
**************************************************
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician
showed him a card with the

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

Fall Classes for Men

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Monday, Aug 30, 2007

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM .

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM .
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM , 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM , location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM .

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM , location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Lewd Limericks

There once was a monk from Siberia
Whose manners were quite inferior.
He did to a nun
What he should not have done.
And now she's a Mother Superior.

There once was a couple named Kelly
who walked around belly to belly
because in their haste, they used library paste
instead of petroleum jelly

Said the Cardinal to Mother Superior
"Your singing is quite inferior!"
She, not to be crass,
did show some real class
Said,"You can kiss in-between my posterior!"

The verses given after this ( if you click on Read More) are rude, risque and raunchy. Some are quite vulgar. We have changed some of the four letter words but will not recommend any one going there unless they want something rude, risque and raunchy.

So dont say we did not warn you. You can always find these in the Blog by typing Limericks in the search box.

There was a man from Kent
Who had a penis so long it bent
It was so much trouble
That he kept it in double
And instead of coming, he went.

There was a man called Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave
He said "I admit
I am a bit of a shit
But think of the money I save?".

There was a lady who triplets begat
She named them Nat, Pat and Tat
It was fun breeding
But trouble when feeding
Cause she didn't have a tit for Tat.

There once was a girl named Madonna
To all the boys she'd ask "Do yo wanna?"
Warren Beatty said no,
called her a "HO"
Now she cries and smokes marijuana.

There was a young student from Boston,
Who drove around in an Austin.
There was only room for his ass
and a gallon of gas.
So his balls hung out and he lost 'em.

There was a young girl from Cape Cod,
Who thought babies came only from God.
T'wasn't the Almighty
Who lifted her nightie.
T'was Roger the Lodger by god!

There once was a man named Screw Bryce
His spiral prick looked so very nice
His spent a long hunt
And found a spiral c#%+.
And dropped dead when he found her anti-clockwise

There was a young fellow named Perkin
Who was always jerkin his gherkin
His father said Perkin
Stop jerkin your gherkin
Your gherkins fer ferkin not jerkin

A pansy who lived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room,
And they argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom.

There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose dick was so long he could suck it
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear were a c#%+ I would f@#* it!"

Their once was a young girl from Norway
Who hung upside down from the doorway;
Which worked out quite well,
'Cause when you rang her bell,
It actually turned out to be foreplay!

There once was a technician named Lil.
That took a chance on a Nuclear Pill.
They found her vagina,
in South Carolina,
and her boobs in a tree in Brazil!

An Argentine Gaucho named Bruno
Said Sex is one thing I do know
Women are fine
And sheep are divine
But llamas are numero uno!

There once were two young girls from Birmingham
I knew a wild story concerning 'em
They lifted the frock
And diddled the cock
Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em

Now the Bishop was nobody's fool,
He'd been to a fine public school
He lowered his britches
And f@#*ed both those bitches
With his twelve-inch Episcopal tool.

But that didn't startle these two,
Why they laughed as the Bishop withdrew,
The Vicar is quicker
And thicker and slicker
And longer and stronger than you!

There once was a man from Bombay
Who fashioned a c#%+ out of clay
But the heat from his prick
Turned the damn thing to brick
And it ripped all his foreskin away.

There once was a vampire from France
Who couldn't keep it tucked in his pants
He oft whipped it out
With a vampiric shout
And taught poor Louis how to dance.

There once was a man from Uppingham
Who stood on the bridge at Buckingham
Just watching the stunts
of the c#%+s in the punts
And the tricks of the pricks that were f@#*ing them

There once was a singer named Elton
who had the girls hearts all a'meltin'.
But they were soon to be fooled
Cos he was a lover of dudes;
twas dicks he'd rather be feltin'.

There was a young singer named M'lisser,
who liked all the girls to kiss her.
She was rakin' the cash in
and givin' tongue lashin's
to Misses rather than Misters.

A young engineer name of Paul.
Was equipped with an octagonal ball
The square of his weight
Times his pecker, plus eight
Is his phone number, give him a call

There was a young man from Saint Paul
Who went to a masquerade ball.
Just for a stunt
He went dressed as a c#%+,
And was f@#*ed by a dog in the hall.

There was a young man from Spleen
who invented a wanking machine
on the 99th stroke
the f@#*ing thing broke
and whipped his balls into cream

My dorky ex-roommate Pierre
Once fell asleep in my chair
I pulled out my unit
Proceeded to tune it
And fired my load in his hair

There once was a man named Sprockett
Who walked with his hands in his pocket
He was able to hide
What he was doing inside
Till he shot off like a NASA rocket.

There was a young man from Iraq,
Who had holes down the side of his cock,
His boyfriend Umberto,
could play the concerto,
by Johannes Sebastian Bach.

I'm told of a Bishop of Birmingham,
Who buggered young boys while confirming them,
To roars of applause,
He tore down their drawers,
And pumped the Episcopal sperm in 'em.

There once was a lady from Nizus,
Who had breasts of two different sizes,
One was small,
and round like a ball
And the other was big and won prizes

Said a woman with open delight,
My pubic hair's perfectly white.
I admit there's a glare,
But the fellows don't care
They locate it more quickly at night.

A certain young fellow from Ransome
Had a dame seven times in a hansom.
When she shouted for more,
Said he from the floor,
The name, miss, is Simpson, not Samson.

There was a young man from Bellaire
Who was screwing his girl on the stair.
But the banister broke,
So he doubled his stroke,
And finished her off in mid-air.

There was a young man from Sparta,
Who was an incredible farter?
At the strength of one bean,
He could play "God Save the Queen",
And Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata".

The Duchess when pouring the tea,
Asked "Do you fart when you pee?"
I replied with some wit,
"Do you belch when you shit?"
And I think that was one up to me

There once was a lady from Exeter,
So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
One was even so brave
As to take out and wave
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.

There was a young whore from kaloo
Who filled her vagina with glue.
She said with a grin,
"If they pay to get in,
They can pay to get out again too!"

There was an old man of the port
Whose prick was remarkably short.
When he got into bed,
The old woman said,
"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!"

There once was a freshman named Lin,
Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
A virgin named Joan
From a bible belt home,
Said "This won't be much of a sin."

Two school-kids around Aberystwyth
Made love with the lips that they kissed with
But as they got older
They also grew bolder
Making love with the things that they pissed with

Undressing a maiden called Sue,
Her seducer exclaimed, "If it's true
That a nipple a day
Keeps the doctor away,
Think how healthy you must be with two!"

There was a lady from University
Who was the sole of perversity?
She was into candles
And all manner of scandals
And sexual positions in diversity

There once was a young barmaid from Wales
On her breasts were written the prices of ale
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind
The prices were tattooed in Braille

There was a young girl of Dumfrees
Who said to her boyfriend 'Oh, please,
It will give me great bliss
If you play more with THIS
And give less attention to THESE.'

There once was a lass from Wilts
She came walking into Scotland on stilts
They said "Madam it's shocking
You reveal so much stocking"
She said "Yea, well how about those kilts?"

A worried young man from Stamboul
Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
Said the doctor, a cynic,
"Get out of my clinic;
Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"

A young bride was once heard to say,
"Oh dear, I am wearing away!
The inside of my thighs
Look just like mince pies,
For my husband won't shave every day."

The limerick form is complex
Its contents run chiefly to sex
It burgeons with virgins
And masculine urgings
And swarms with erotic effex.

THE END

COWBOY POETRY

I ain't much for shopping,
Or for goin' into town
Except at cattle-shipping time,
I ain't too easily found.

But the day came when I had to go -
I left the kids with Ma.
But 'fore I left, she asked me,
"Would you pick me up a bra?"

So without thinkin' I said, "Sure,"
How tough could that job be?
An' I bent down and kissed her
An' said, "I'll be back by three."

Well, I done the things I needed,
But I started to regret
Ever offering to buy that thing -
I worked me up a sweat

I walked into the ladies shop
My hat pulled over my eyes,
I didn't want to take a chance
On bein' recognized.

I walked up to the sales clerk -
I didn't hem or haw -
I told that lady right straight out,
"I'm here to buy a bra."

From behind I heard some snickers,
So I turned around to see
Every woman in that store
Was a'gawkin' right at me!

"What kind would you be looking for?"
Well, I just scratched my head.
I'd only seen one kind before,
"Thought bras was bras," I said.

She gave me a disgusted look,
"Well sir, that's where you're wrong.
Follow me," I heard her say,
Like a dog, I tagged along.

She took me down this alley
Where bras was on display.
I thought my jaw would hit the floor
When I saw that lingerie.

They had all these different styles
That I'd never seen before
I thought I'd go plumb crazy
'fore I left that women's store.

They had bras you wear for eighteen hours
And bras that cross your heart.
There was bras that lift and separate,
And that was just the start.

They had bras that made you feel
Like you ain't wearing one at all,
And bras that you can train in
When you start off when you're small.

Well, I finally made my mind up -
Picked a black and lacy one -
I told the lady, "Bag it up,"
And figured I was done.

But then she asked me for the size
I didn't hesitate
I knew that measurement by heart,
"A six-and-seven-eighths."

"Six and seven eighths you say?
That really isn't right."
"Oh, yes ma'am! I'm real positive -
I measured them last night!"

I thought that she'd go into shock,
Musta took her by surprise
When I told her that my wife's bust
Was the same as my hat size.

That's what I used to measure with,
I figured it was fair,
But if I'm wrong, I'm sorry ma'am."
This drew another stare.

By now a crowd had gathered
And they all was crackin' up
When the lady asked to see my hat,
To measure for the cup.

When she finally had it figured,
I gave the gal her pay.
Then I turned to leave the store,
Tipped my hat and said, "Good day."

My wife had heard the story
'fore I ever made it home.
She'd talked to fifteen women
Who called her on the phone.

She was still a-laughin'
But by then I didn't care.
Now she don't ask and I don't shop
For women's underwear.
~ Author Unknown<

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Various

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

____________ _________ _________

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

____________ _________ ________

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs

A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.

__________ __ _________ ________

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

____________ _________ ________

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

____________ _________ _________

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

____________ _________ _________

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

____________ _________ ________

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

____________ _________ ________

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Union Rules For The Cat House "

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered .
Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.

His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."
The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the union man said.
He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.

"I'd like her," he said.
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam.

Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next.

Sisters of Mercy

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.
It says:
Sisters of Mercy, House of Prostitution, 10 Miles.
He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought.
Soon, he sees another sign which says:
Sisters of Mercy, House of Prostitution, 05 Miles and realizes that these signs are for real.

When he drives past a third sign saying:
Sisters of Mercy, House of Prostitution, Next Right Turn, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a sombre stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY.
He climbs the steps and rings the bell.
The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks:
"What may we do for you, my son?"
He answers:
"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man:
"Please knock on this door."
He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup.
This nun instructs:
"Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.
He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.
As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
Go in Peace, You Have Just Been Scr**ed by the Sisters of Mercy!

Now you know ..

In ancient England, people could not have sex unless they had consent of the king (unless they were in the Royal Family ).

When people wanted to have a baby, they had to get the consent of the king, and the king gave them a placard that they hung on their door while they were having sex.

The placard had the sign with the abbreviation Fornication Under Consent of the King on it.

Hence, that's where the word came from.

Now, aren't you glad you learned something new today??
Better Late than never!!
Remember, when you utter this word!

Hawaii vacation

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything
that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really
outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb.

They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the
scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a topless bikini came walking
straight towards them.

They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father ~ Good
Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then
she passed on by. They were both stunned.

How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more
outrageous outfits.

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!
Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy
the sunshine.

After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored
topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.

Again she nodded at each of them, said

"Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said,
"Just a minute, young lady." "Yes, Father?"

"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do
you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"

She replied,

"Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen."

Your week

How Saudis eat ...Biriyani

Friday, March 23, 2007

Naughty pictures

Others are little more pointedly risque...

World Cup Winners

FDA Warning

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all containers:

Warnings:

The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the heck happened to your bra.

The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4:00 in the morning.

The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.

Variety ..

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
*********
Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.
*********
Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
*********
Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
*********
It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged.
It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
*********
It is difficult to understand GOD.
He makes such beautiful things as women and then he turns them into Wives.

*****
If you are married please ignore this message, for everyone else:
Happy Independence Day!
*********
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say.
After marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish.
*********
There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking.
It's called marriage
*********
Galfriends are like chocolates, taste good anytime.
Lovers are like PIZZAS, Hot n spicy, eaten frequently.
Wifes are like Dal RICE, eaten when there`s no choice.
*********
Man receives telegram:
Wife dead should be buried or cremated?
Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.
*********
Prospective husband: Do you have a book called 'Man, The Master of Women'?
Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.
*********
Q: Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!
*********
There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go through hell for her.
They got married and now he is going through hell.
*********
Fact of life:
One woman brings you into this world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so for the rest of your life!
*********
Q: Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second woman?
A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the same offence!
*********

"One of our co-workers went missing for a few hours, and we tore up the place looking for him.
The boss finally found him fast asleep.
Rather than wake him, he quietly placed a note on the man's chest...
"As long as you're asleep," it read, "you have a job. But, as soon as you wake up, you're fired!"

Poor woman in Spain

I just received this photo from a friend, taken in Madrid a few months ago.

As you can see, poverty exists everywhere......even in a developed country like Spain .

It is painful to see this poor woman in clothes that are torn to pieces and holding on tight to her little plastic bag (maybe that is all she has). Please send this e-mail to your friends, to make our society more aware of what is happening around the World.

A little risque..do not proceed if semi nudity bothers you or you are gay.

Parody ...Irack

Pretty good..

Click here

Panda Problem!

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich.

He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts,

"Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay
for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the bartender,

"Hey, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"

The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:

"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian orgin, characterized by distinct
black and white colouring. Eats shoots and leaves!

Saudi Marriage Counseling

A Saudi couple, Ahmed and Layla, preparing for their wedding, meet
with their Mullah for counseling

The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
Ahmed asks, "We realize its tradition in Islam for men to dance with
men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception,
we'd like your permission to dance together."

"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always
dance separately."

"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"

"No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."

"Well, okay," says Ahmed, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"

"Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Allaho Akbar! (GOD is great) Sex is
OK within marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man.

"Allaho Akbar! Mafi Mushkila (no problem)," says the Mullah.

"Woman on top?" Ahmed asks.

"Sure," says the Mullah. "Allaho Akbar. Go for it!"

"Doggy style?"

"Sure! Sure! Allaho Akbar!"

"On the kitchen table?"

"Yes, yes! Allaho Akbar!"

"Can I do it with all my four wives, together on rubber sheets, with a
bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket
of honey and a porno video?"

"By all means...you may indeed. Allaho Akbar!"

"Can we do it standing up?"

"ABSOLUTELY NOT! NO WAY!!!" thunders the Mullah.

"But why not?" asks Ahmed.

"Because that could lead to dancing!"

Sex in the dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every
time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the
light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured
she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while
they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session,
she turned on the lights. She looked down. and saw her husband was
holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft,
wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed
at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years?

You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

Interesting Facts

Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only..Ladies Forbidden"
and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of
thumb"

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David

Hearts - Charlemagne

Clubs -Alexander, the Great

Diamonds - Julius Caesar

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you
would find the letter "A"?
Ans. One thousand

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes

the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase...."goodnight, sleep tight."

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father

would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar

was lunar based, this period was called the honey month…which we know today as the honeymoon!

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender

would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups.

When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired
by this practice.

Never Lie to Women!!!

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go
fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends.
We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that
Promotion I'v been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a
week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I
will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue
silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is,
did exactly what her husband asked.
The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking
good.
The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why
didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?"

You'll love the answer...
.
.
.
The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box.....

Confessions of a Minister

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side
service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to
be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be
the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a
typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I
saw the backhoe and the crew, who was eating lunch, but the hearse was
nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of
the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the
workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to
do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my
heart and soul.

As I preached the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and
"Glory" ! I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before: from
Genesis all the way to Revelations.

I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the
workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before
and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

I've got windows.....

A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman,
"I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."

The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink
curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to have a
hard
time choosing.

Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks
what size curtains she needs. The blonde promptly replies, "Fifteen inches."

"Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small - what
room are they for?"

The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, but they are for her
computer monitor.

The surprised salesman replies, "But miss, computers do not need
curtains!"

The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo! I've got Windoooooows

Globalization

INTERNATIONAL THINKING AT ITS BEST!

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?
Answer: An English princess

with an Egyptian boyfriend

crashes in a French tunnel,

in a German car

with a Dutch engine,

driven by a Belgian who was drunk

on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling)

followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,

on Japanese motorcycles;

treated by an American doctor,

using Brazilian medicines.

This is posted in a Blog managed by a Sri Lankan,

using Bill Gate's technology,

and you're probably reading this on your computer,

that use Taiwanese chips,

and a Korean monitor,

assembled by Bangladeshi workers

in a Singapore plant,

transported by Indian lorry-drivers,

hijacked by Indonesians,

unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,

and trucked to you by Mexican illegals . . .

That, my friends, is Globalization

George Bush Got a Parrot

Laura Bush bought George a parrot for his birthday.
She told Dick Cheney, "The bird is so smart! George
has already taught him to pronounce over 200 words!"
"Wow, that's pretty impressive," Cheney said. "But
you do realize that he just says the words. He doesn't
understand what
they mean."
"That's okay," Laura replied. "Neither does the
Parrot."

Patent Joke

I went to the US Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions.
I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out.
She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.
I said,
"A folding bottle."
She said,
"Okay. What do you call it?"

"A Fottle."
"What else do you have?"
"A folding carton."
"What do you call it?"

"A Farton."
She snickered and said,
"Those are silly names for silly products and one of them sounds kind of crude."
I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket!

BEST GENIE STORY EVER...

A husband took his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the
wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the
biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go
up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is
going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm
voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage
that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle
was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.
A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my
window?"
"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary.
Actually I want to thank you.
You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a
thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three
wishes.
I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last
one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted
out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do.
And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country
in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe
from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a
woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your
wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both
now have a fortune, and all those houses What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.
Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about
you, honey?"
You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for
you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of
the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and
looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your
husband?" "Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"No Kidding," he said." Thirty-five years old.....and both of you still
believe in genies?

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he

hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little

Chinese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!"

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing

there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,

"You Sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the

wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the

little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his

clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Mr Mandela

is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man

back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man, I don't want

them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a

knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little

Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You

sign!" Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time

Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt

front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You

must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and

says:

wait for it.....................

you're gonna hate me for this one......

You not Nissan Main Deala?"

INDIAN NAMED ONESTONE

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone'.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,

"If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day, a young woman named Blue Bird, forgot and said,

"Good morning, Onestone."

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.

He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love To her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day,made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

What is the moral of this story?????...........................

OH, Come on...take a guess!

Think about it...

(You're going to love this!)

And the moral is...

You can't kill two birds with one stone!!

Thursday, March 22, 2007

FW: Foreskins- xxx

Throughout his long career as a circumcision specialist, the surgeon had
saved his patients' foreskins as mementos.

His wife wanted to give him a unique souvenir of his career for a retirement
gift so she took his collection to a leather artisan and asked him to make
something special.

"I'll see what I can do," said the artisan.

A week later, she returned, eager to see what work of art this man had
created from this unusual material.
The leathersmith handed her a wallet.
"All those foreskins and you could only make a wallet?" she asked.

The leathersmith replied, "Well, yes. But if you stroke it, it becomes a
briefcase!"

FW: Management at its Best!!

A large company, feeling it was time for a shake up, hired a new CEO.
This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a
Tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.

The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he
Meant business! So the new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall
and asked: "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied: "I make
$300.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four
week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and
asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

From across the room came a voice, "PIZZA DELIVERY GUY FROM DOMINOS"

FW: 3 girls...xx

Three girls died and were brought to the gates of heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel. St. Peter asked the girls, "Before entering you must answer this simple question."

"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the first girl.
"Oh yes", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married and was still virgin even after I got married."
"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl ...the golden key."

"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the second girl.
"Oh, quite good", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married but was not after I got married."
"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl ... the silver key."

"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the third girl.
"Oh no, not at all," she said.
"I practically had sex with every guy I met before & after I got married. Anywhere, anytime."
"Very good," said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl ... my room key."

FW: Einstein's Theory

Something to think about. High powered scientific discoveries.

Einstein's birthday is March 14. He would now be 127.

Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal,
after his first marriage dissolved in 1919.

He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed.

He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the
attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection.

This came to be known as Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty.

FW: The Dying Irish Nun

The Dying Irish Nun

The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen.

Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey they had received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

When she walked back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."

She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, "Don't sell that cow."

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

FW: top 4 adult jokes xxx

Top Four Jokes

Fourth Place:

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your pe*is is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Third Place :

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Runner Up:

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his pe*is into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my pe*is into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed.
"Yes, I did." he replied.
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Winner:

A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."
Whereupon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

__________________________________________________________

Saturday, March 31, 2007

Friday, March 30, 2007

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Friday, March 23, 2007

Thursday, March 22, 2007

The Dying Irish Nun

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Guess what

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