X BIBLICAL BLOOPERS **

Here are Biblical bloopers from Sunday school students:


*** FROM THE OLD TESTAMENT***

** In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, the Lord got tired of creating
the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

** Adam & Eve were created from an apple tree.

** Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

** Noah built the ark and the animals came on in pears.

** Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

** The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with
unsympathetic Genitals.

** Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like
Delilah.

** Sampson slated the Philistines with the axe of apostles.

** Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread,
which is bread made without any ingredients.

** Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.

** The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

** The Fifth Commandment is humour thy mother and father.

** The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

** Moses died before he ever reached the UK.
Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.

** The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand
still and he obeyed him

** David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the biblical
times.

** Solomon, one of David's sons, has 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


** And... FROM THE NEW TESTAMENT **

** When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus- in
the manager.
Jesus was born because Mary had an emaculate contraption.

** St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

** Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before-
they do one to you.
He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."

** It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the
tombstone off the entrance.

** The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

** A Christian should have only one wife.
This is called monotony.

** The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

** One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan.

** When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna
Carta.

** St. Paul cavorted to Christianity.
He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

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X Confucius Says ...

Confucius Say:
It's OK to let a fool kiss you; but don't let a kiss fool you.

Confucius Say:
A kiss is just shopping upstairs for downstairs merchandise.

Confucius Say:
It is better to lose a lover than love a loser.

Confucius Say:
Man with a broken condom is called a Daddy.

Confucius Say:
Man who mix Viagra and Ex-Lax doesn't know if he's coming or going.

Confucius Say:
A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.

Confucius Say:
Marriage is like a bank account.
You put it in, you take it out, and you lose interest.

Confucius Say:
Viagra is like Disneyland ... A one-hour wait for a 2-minute ride.

Confucius Say:
It is much better to want the mate you do not have than to have the mate you
do not want

Confucius Say:
A joke is like sex.
Neither is any good if you don't get it.

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XXX: ADULT PUNS!

A woman was in a sex boutique shopping for vibrators when the clerk said,
"Perhaps you might be interested in this one. It's our most realistic
model."
The woman said,
"You mean it's shaped exactly like a man's penis?"
"No," the clerk replied, "I mean that after five minutes it goes soft for
the rest of the night."


A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately
notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter.
The first guy says
"Wow, that's a huge lighter. Where did you get it?"
The guy replies
"A genie from this bottle granted me one wish."
"Great, can I try it?"
"Sure."
The first guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears.
"You are granted one wish" says the genie.
The guy says,
"I want a million bucks!
"Done" says the genie and disappears.
A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and pouring in
come ducks.
Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar
door.
"I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish,
"I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
The second guy then says,
"Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch Bic?"

When you mix a rooster with a telephone pole,
You get a 30 foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.

A teenage girl came home from school and asks her mother,
"Is it true what Rita just told me?"
"What's that?" asks her mother.
"That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said
her daughter.
"Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the Subject had finally
come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.
"But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it knock my
teeth out?"

Went out last night and got really wasted.
I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and
farting,
So I knew I made it home ok!

There was a Chinese father named Cheng who was very close to his son.
They used to go everywhere together including looking for "birds" (Chinese
slang for prostitute).
One day, Chung the son decided to go overseas for study.
The father was very supportive, and before his son left, the father told
him,
"Chung we cannot look for chicken together for the next few years. However,
if you need to look for chicken, please go ahead and I will pay for it. But
please state the expense as 'Shooting Bird' so that your mother will not
suspect."
So, the son left, and after a month, the father received the bill from
Chung, the son,...... (shooting bird - $300).
Subsequently, and for the next few months, the bill for shooting bird is
more than $700.
Well, the father could not tolerate this,
So, he wrote to his son.
"Chung Son, you have been shooting too expensive bird, try some cheaper
one".
A month later, Cheng, the father, received another bill from his son.
On it he had written: "Shooting Bird - $50 & Rifle Repair - $2,000."

They are called Asteroids
Because
They were first discovered around Uranus.

Frannie went to the doctor, saying she had a problem with her aviaries.
The doctor said,
"Frannie, you're being silly. You mean ovaries. Aviaries are where you find
birds."
Frannie shook her head and said she meant 'aviaries'.
Not prepared to argue, the doctor told her to get on the couch for an
inspection.
After a quick look, he said,
"Well, Frannie, you're right! There's been a cockatoo in there."

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students
on sexual morality.
"We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of
temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of
pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"
A young woman rose in the back of the room and said,
"Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"

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XX Rugby player.

a very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as a real
Rugby player.

They start to talk and eventually go back to his place.

They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt.

On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.

"What's that for?" the lady questions.

"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV,

people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."

Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg,


he has a tattoo that says NIKE.

'What's that ?' the lady asks...

"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoois seen on TV."

Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that
says AIDS.

The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!"

The man replies: "No, no...!!! CALM DOWN!!!


It will say ADIDAS in a minute."

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XX ADULT PUNS!

There was a young man from Purdue
Who was only just learning to screw,
But he hadn't the knack,
And he got too far back,
In the right church, but in the wrong pew.


A fat man was seated on his front steps drinking a can of beer when a
busybody spinster from down the street began to berate him for his
appearance.
"What a disgusting sight," she said. "If that belly was on a woman, I'd
swear she was pregnant."
To which the man smiled and replied,
"Madam, it was and she is."

The room called where enlisted women blow the officers is called
The headquarters.

Murray had a new flame, and before long they had a difference of opinion.
"I don't like the way you're carrying on with other guys," he ranted, "That
must stop!"
"Calm down, Murray," she replied, "There's no reason for you to flip.
Listen, don't I always let you take me to shows?" "Yeah."
"And to dinner?"
"That's right."
"And don't I let you buy me flowers and clothes, and other gifts?"
"Yeah."
"So, what are you getting excited about," she assured him, "I only use the
other guys for love-making."

A good sermon is like a woman's skirt,
Long enough to cover the essentials
And
Short enough to keep you interested.

A man checks into a hotel and the desk clerk asks, very quietly, if he would
like a woman sent to his room.
The man says yes.
The desk clerk says,
"I have a stenographer, a switchboard operator or a teacher. Which one
should I send up?"
With this the man replies,
"I'll take the teacher."
When the man checks out the next morning, the desk clerk says,
"I'm curious, why did you pick the teacher instead of the stenographer or
the switchboard operator?"
The man replies,
"The stenographer would say that she can't take it as fast as I give it. The
switchboard operator would cut me off before I'm finished, but the teacher
would tell me to do it over and over again until I get it right."

I'm not saying she's a slut,
But
she's shoved so much meat in her mouth, Nathan's banned her from the Hot Dog
Eating Contest.

A professor is lecturing his class on the possibility of finding joy in
unusual activities.
"Even the most natural and common actions can provide an immense amount of
pleasure. For example, a good bowel movement can be as enjoyable as making
love."
A student starts madly waving his hand and stands up when acknowledged.
"Professor," he says, "either you don't know how to screw, or I don't know
how to shit!"

A friend said there was nothing worse than waking up with a sore head and
less money than you thought you had.
I said,
"Could be worse, you could have a sore ass and MORE money than you thought
you had."

Sadie and Sophie are sitting at the kitchen table, bragging.
"My daughter lives in a penthouse apartment in Miami," says Sadie. "She goes
out to dinner every night at a different restaurant, has beautiful furs and
clothes, and lots of boyfriends. "
Sophie replies,
"Yeah, my daughter's a whore too."

Bad:
You find a porn movie in your son's room.
Worse:
You're in it.

Dave had just returned from his honeymoon and was settling down in their new
apartment.
Coming home from work one night the landlady met Dave in the hallway and
said,
"I have a couple of extra tickets to a play in town tonight, and I wonder if
you and your new bride would like to have them?"
"I'll ask her," Dave responded.
He opened the door to his apartment and called out,
"Honey, would you like to see 'Oliver Twist' tonight?"
"No way!!," his bride retorted, "If you show me one more trick with that
thing, I'm going home to my Mother!"

Roses are red
That's elementary
Let's call up a friend
And try double entry

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Nobody can beat Indians

In Japan in a soap manufacturing company, they were making bathing soaps.
The soap blocks were made, then wrapped in a wrapping paper automatically on
an assembly conveyer belt and finally packed in cartons.*


Many times it happened that the wrapping machine wrapped the paper without
soap. i.e. you had an empty packet without soap. To rectify this problem
the Japanese company bought a x-ray scanner from the US for $60,000/- to
check on the assembly line whether the container contained soap and wasn't
empty.

A similar problem happened at Nirma soaps, Ahmedabad.
Guess what the Gujjus did?

They bought a Crompton fan costing around $60/= and placed it on the mouth
of the assembly line.

--the empty wrappers without soap just blew away!!!

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Communication mix up

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked,
"What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the
property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's
parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed
one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like
the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My
husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

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XX ADULT PUNS!

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her
mother,
"Frankie Brown showed me his willy today in the playground!"
Before her mother could raise a concern, Sally said,
"It reminded me of a peanut."
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked,
"Really small, was it?"
Sally replied,
"No, it was salty."
Mom fainted.

What word starts with"f" and ends with a "k" and if you can't get it you
have to use your hands?
Fork.


DONKEY BARBECUE:
Where everybody gets a piece of ass.

Dave sold strawberries off his truck out in the suburbs.
He knocked one the door of a house.
"Want to buy some strawberries?"
"Come around the back," answered the pretty young blonde.
Dave walked to the rear, rang the bell, and the woman opened the door.
To Dave's shock, she stood there stark naked.
Not a stitch of clothes on.
Dave started to cry.
"What's the matter?" asked the blonde.
"Today, my wife ran away with my best friend," explained Dave, "I lost three
thousand dollars on the stock market, and now you're going to screw me out
of my strawberries."

Having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
You get on the couch, string them along with some half-lies and evasions,
probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.

After receiving the Nobel Prize, Sinclair Lewis became an object of great
interest, some of it quite fascinating.
One day, a letter arrived at his home, written by a young woman who said she
would like to be his secretary.
In the letter, she said she would do anything for him, adding
"And when I say anything, I mean anything."
The letter was intercepted by Lewis's wife, Dorothy.
She took it on her own to respond to the young woman, writing in her letter
that Lewis already had a secretary.
She went on to say that he also had a wife who did everything else for him,
adding:
"And when I say everything, I mean everything."


A Texan arrives at a New York Hotel, checks in and tells the desk clerk to
send up a bottle of good whiskey and a woman to his room. In a short while,
someone knocks on his door.
When he opens it, there stands an attractive lady in a Salvation Army
uniform.
He looks surprised but invites her in.
She says,
"You asked for a lady, didn't you?"
He says,
"Well, Yes," so she begins to disrobe. When she is almost undressed, she
stops suddenly and says,
"By the way, are you married or single?"
He says, "I'm married"
So, she starts to put all her clothes back on.
"What the Hell?" the Texan asks. Her reply,
"We're strictly for the needy, not the greedy!"

A blonde goes into the cleaners and drops off a blouse to be dry-cleaned.
As she's leaving, the man behind the counter says,
"Come again."
The blonde stops and says,
"No, it's mustard this time."

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XX Adult Limericks,

This is from a contest in Oxnard, California.
The requirements were to use the words Lewinsky and Kaczynski (the
Unabomber) in a limerick.

Here are the three winners:

Entry #1:
There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'T'was "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Entry #2:
Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you look such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.

Entry #3:
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known:
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
Given the choice of how to be blown.

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

A dentist, young doctor Malone,
Got a charming girl patient alone,
And, in his depravity,
Filled the wrong cavity.
Now she's nursing the filling at home!



As the high school teacher was correcting essays written by her students she
read,
"Pedro jumped on his burrow and rode off into the sunset."
She wrote at the bottom of the page,
"You obviously have problems with homonyms. A burrow is a hole in the
ground. A burro is an ass. At your age, it's time for you to learn the
difference."

Everyone is talking about phone sex.
I tried it once, but the holes were too small.

Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob told Lester,
"You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm going
to do it a little different. The last few years, I took your suggestions as
to where to go? Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii
and Marie got pregnant. Then, two years ago, you told me to go to the
Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again.
Last year, you suggested Tahiti and damn if Marie didn't get pregnant
again."
Lester asks Billy Bob,
"So, what are you going to do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says,
"This year, I'm taking Marie with me."


Being older with grown children, I often tell younger parents to enjoy them
now.
It's a short time between shitty diapers to a shitty attitude.

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked
for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.
In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love for more than 30 years,
with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and
other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in
a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going
through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another job.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bankbook that showed more than thirty years of
steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million.
Then, she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank that were
worth over $2 million.
She explained that she had 'charged' him for sex, and these were the results
of her savings and investments.
The husband was so astounded he could barely speak.
Finally, he found his voice and blurted out,
"If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have had sex only with
you."
That's when she shot him.
You know, men just don't know when to keep their mouth shut, especially when
drunk!


Bill Clinton went to Victoria's Secret when the panties were half off.

The lanky Texas ranch hand was still a virgin at twenty-one,
So, on his first trip to the big city, he decided to visit a brothel and
find out what he'd been missing.
Upon securing the address of a rather exclusive establishment, he soon found
himself lying in bed with an attractive partner.
Sensing the lad was somewhat inexperienced, the professional gently took his
hand and placed it on the source of her income.
"Is this what you're looking for?" she whispered seductively.
"Well, I don't rightly know, ma'am," the cowboy murmured shyly. "I'm a
stranger to these parts."

Got this text from my brother recently.
It read.
"Can I stay at your house for a while? The Old Lady kicked me out after she
caught me measuring my dick. It just reaches the back of her sister's
throat! "

THis morning in biology class.
We had to put our own saliva under a microscope.
Suddenly, a girl shouts out very agitated:
"There's something moving here!"
All were very quiet, the teacher looked at it, looked again and said:
"Oh, that's definitively a living sperm cell."
I think the girl just wanted to die.

Putting up a tent, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
You rent her,
Unzip the door,
Put up your pole and
Slip in to the old bag.

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

Close first cousins got caught sneaking
Having sex in the barn squeaking.
And though it's unlawful
They weren't all that awful;
At least relatively speaking.


Confucius Say:
If a bulldog and a shitsu are mated, it would be called a 'bull-shit'.

The distinguished-looking elderly man asked at the department store
information kiosk where he might purchase some personal stationery.
He was directed to the notions department on the third floor, but in the
crowded elevator he became confused and got off on the fourth floor by
mistake.
Approaching the attractive floor manager standing near the elevator doors,
he said,
"Excuse me, Miss, but do you have notions?"
"Sure," she replied mischievously, "but during the work week I try to
suppress them until after five o'clock."
"No, no, you don't understand," he stammered. "I mean to say, do you keep
stationery?"
"No, I like to go with the flow right till the end," replied the floor
manager, laughing. "And then, I just start quivering all over."

Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman.
It's got to be hot.
You've got to take your time.
You've got to stir gently, and firmly.
You've got to grind your beans until they squeak.
And then you put in the milk.

A bloke wins the lottery and decides to buy himself a Harley Davidson, he
goes down to his local bike shop and after purchasing a top of the range
bike, the owner of the shop tells him to coat the bike in Vaseline every
time it looks like raining.
That night he goes and picks his girlfriend up one his new toy and heads
over to her parents house for the first time.
As they arrive there, she explains to him that whenever they have dinner,
don't talk.
"If you talk," she tells him, "you have to do the pots."
The man is astounded as he walks into the house as it is a complete mess.
Anyway, the family all sit down for dinner not saying a word.
The man decides to take advantage of the situation by groping his
girlfriend's tits, yet there is not a sound from anyone. So, he decides to
shag his bird one the table, and still there is not a word.
He then proceeds to do his girlfriend's mum over the table, but still,
amazingly, there's not a word from anyone. Just at that moment he notices
the rain one the kitchen window and remembers his precious motorbike,
So, he reaches into his pocket and flops the Vaseline out.
At which point his girlfriend's dad leaps up and shouts,
"Okay! Okay! I'll do the stinking' pots!"

You tell a woman really likes oral sex
If she hikes up her skirt every time someone yawns.

In ancient times it was believed that the gods and goddesses could come down
to earth and visit mortals, sometimes coupling with them.
One morning, a sweet young thing told her mother,
"I think a god coupled with me last night."
"Really?" her mother asked.
"I wonder if it's Thor?"
"Thor?" the girl asked. "It'th tho thore I can't touch it with a powder
puff!"

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today.
Sparks flew,
She fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then.
God, I love my new Taser!

It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic
activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's abilities.
In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries.
After sex, they glance at their watches and say,
"Oops, gotta run!"

The Burger King got the Diary Queen pregnant
When he forgot to wrap his whopper.._,_.___

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X Race Tips

A bloke was having a few drinks by himself at a London casino when he
met up with a striking but quite short and slim young woman. They got
on famously and ended up in bed.
The next morning she told him she was a jockey and that if he came to
the races at Ascot that day, she'd tip him the winner of each race she
was riding in by giving him a sign as she rode out of the saddling
paddock.
In Race 2, she rode out rubbing both her boobs. The bloke looked
through the race book and found 'Two Abreast' on which he placed $100
at 5-1. It won by two lengths.
In Race 4 she rode out rubbing her fingers round her eyes. He put the
lot on 'Eyeliner' at 10-1 and was then $5000 in front.
In the last race she came out standing up in the stirrups and rubbing
her crotch. He backed nothing.

After the races, he met up with her and thanked her for the winners in
races 2 and 4. 'What about 'Itchy Mickey' in the sixth?' she asked.
'It paid a fortune?'
'Shit', he said, 'I thought you were telling me the favourite was scratched'

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

I thought that we never would part
So, I gave to that trollop, my heart
But the slut often strays
She's not mended her ways
It appears I have made a false tart


There was a large revival meeting on the outskirts of town, and at the
appropriate corner there was a large sign proclaiming the following:
"If you are weary of sin and want to be saved, turn here, go 100 yards, and
come into the revival tent."
Below the sign someone had hung another smaller one, which read:
"If NOT weary, call Sherry 867-5309."

Chris Christie's office announced that the Governor, trying to lose weight,
has undergone a "Lap-Band" procedure. Although when Bill Clinton called to
congratulate him Christie had to explain,
"Uh Mr. President, that's BAND, not DANCE."

An old farmer decided to get a new rooster for his hens because the current
rooster was getting on in years.
He bought a young rooster and turned it loose into the barnyard.
The old rooster eyed the new arrival with concern and said,
"So, you're the new lover in town? I'm not ready for the chopping block just
yet. I am still the better bird, and to prove it, I challenge you to a race
around the hen house. We'll run around 10 times, and whoever finishes first
gets all the hens to him self."
"You're on."
The young rooster said,
"And considering you age, I'll even give you a head start of about a half
lap."
The two birds took their marks and the race began.
After the first lap, he was still ahead, but by the fifth lap he was barely
in the front of the young rooster.
The farmer, hearing the commotion, grabbed his shotgun, and ran out into the
barnyard, and watch in disgust as the two roosters ran around the hen house.
He aimed his shotgun, fired, and blew away the young rooster. As the farmer
walked away; mumbling to him self.
"Damn that is the third cock sucking rooster I've bought this month."

The most enjoyable form of sex education is
The Braille method.

The pretty teacher is concerned about one of her eleven-year-old students.
Taking him aside after class one day, she asks,
"Johnny, why has your schoolwork been so poor lately?"
"I'm in love," The boy sighs.
Holding back an urge to smile, the teacher asks,
"With whom?"
"With you," he admits with a blush.
"But Johnny," she says gently, "don't you see how silly this is? It's true
that I would like a husband of my own one day, but I don't want a child."
"Oh, don't worry, teacher," the boy replies reassuringly. "I'll use a
condom."

"Darling," murmured the girl to her boyfriend, "when did you first realize
that you were in love with me?"
"Well, I suppose," whispered the man tenderly, "it was when I started
getting angry with all the other guys in the office who said you were a
lousy lay."

Little Johnny was only six years old when he tried to feel his sister's
friend's private area.
She slapped him, and said not to because it has teeth and will bite.
As the years passed, and Little Johnny grew to become a man, he was sitting
in his car with his girlfriend, rubbing her thighs and squeezing her
breasts, when she said,
"Aren't you going to feel my pussy?"
He said,
"I can't, Its got teeth!"
"Don't be a fool," she said, "Have a look if you don't believe me."
So, he thought about it, then took off her panties and spread her legs.
He looked in and said,
"I'm not surprised you haven't got any teeth with gums like that!"

Confucius Say:
A chicken is the result of a sitting hen,
While
A baby is the result of standing cock.

A lady and her dog were enjoying a stroll in the park when her dog was
mounted from behind by a large Rottweiler.
The Rot was really humping away and the lady was frantically trying to break
them up, to no avail.
A small boy walked up and stuck his finger in the Rots ass and the action
immediately stopped.
The lady was amazed.
"How did you do that?" she asked.
The little boy said,
"That's my dog and he can dish it out, but he can't take it."

Giving a BJ is a win/lose situation.
He may have you on your knees, but you have him by the balls!

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Best Blonde Joke To Date..

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast
when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked,
'Are you going to the Gold Coast?'

'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift ?'

'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck.
My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back
which have to be taken to the Gold Coast Zoo.

They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them
on the road all day.. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me ?
I'll give you $100 for your trouble...'

'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car
and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the
Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!!


There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands
with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

'What the heck are you doing here ?' he demanded,
'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'

'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over ---
So now we're going to Sea World.

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

A guy was screwing his girlfriend in a park by the side of the road when a
cop car pulled up.
"Just what the hell do you think your doing?" asked the cop.
The guy looked up at the cop and said,
"I'm screwing my girlfriend!"
"Great!" said the cop, "I'm next!"
"Sounds good to me," replied the guy, "I have never screwed a cop before!"

Hey, don't knock masturbation!
It's sex with someone you love.

A man walks in to a psychiatrist's office and lies down one the couch.
The shrink says,
"What makes you think you need the services of a psychiatrist?"
The man replies that he wakes up every night in the kitchen after some
pretty crazy sleepwalking.
The shrink says,
"So, would you like me to try to cure you of sleepwalking?"
The man explains that the sleepwalking isn't really the problem.
Every time he wakes up he is in the same place, doing the same thing -- He
has his pajamas around his ankles and his dick in a jar of peanuts.
The psychiatrist says,
"I think I know what your problem is. You're fuckin' nuts."

I was banging this nice lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front
door open.
She said,
"It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!"
Thinking back, I really should have ran -- but you don't get offers like
that every day.

"That new girl in the typing pool is driving me crazy!" bemoaned Rich to
Ernie. "That girl is a real mirage."
"Aren't you using the wrong word?" asked Ernie. "A mirage is something you
can see but can't feel."
"Yeah," came the reply "That describes her exactly!"

John was on a business trip for a few days, and one night he went looking
for a little 'action'.
He picked up a sweet young thing at the bar, and took her back to his hotel
room.
Little did he know that she had a snapping pussy and was darn near a
nymphomaniac.
After six times having sex, she was screaming for more.
After the eighth time, John told her that he needed to slip out for a pack
of cigarettes.
One the way out, he stopped into the men's room.
He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped his pants, and felt a moment of
panic when he couldn't find his tool.
After a couple of minutes fishing around, he finally said,
"Look. It's okay. She's not here!"

I saw a fortune teller the other day.
She told me I would come into some money.
Last night I screwed a girl called Penny -- Is that spooky or what?

One day Susie went into her back yard and found her dog Muffles lying dead
with its legs up in the air.
She asked,
"Daddy, Daddy why is Muffles legs in the air?"
Thinking quickly, her dad replied,
"This way Jesus can come down and take Muffles to heaven easier."
The next day, when Susie's dad came home she ran up to him and said,
"Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost died today."
Flustered, her father said,
"Honey, what happened?"
And Susie said,
"Well Mommy's legs were up in the air and she was screaming, 'Oh Jesus I'm
coming I'm coming' and if it wasn't for the milkman holding her down she
would have been a goner."

School girl to mother:
"I do not want to go to the sex education class."
"Why not?"
"Because the final exam will be oral."

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Finding Common Ground

The 18th Camel There was a father who left 17 camels as the inheritance for his three sons. When the father passed away, his sons opened up the will. The Will of the father stated that the eldest son should get half of 17 camels while the middle son should be given 1/3rd (one-third). The youngest son should be given 1/9th (one-ninth) of the 17 camels. As it is not possible to divide 17 into half or 17 by 3 or 17 by 9, the three sons started to fight with each other. So, the three sons decided to go to a wise man. The wise man listened patiently about the Will. The wise man, after giving this thought, brought one camel of his own and added the same to 17. That increased the total to 18 camels. Now, he started reading the deceased father's will. Half of 18 = 9. So he gave the eldest son 9 camels  1/3rd of 18 = 6. So he gave the middle son 6 camels 1/9th of 18 = 2. So he gave the youngest son 2 camels. Now add this up: 9 plus 6 plus 2 is 17, and this leaves one camel, which the wise man took away.   The attitude of negotiation and problem solving is to find the 18th camel i.e. the common ground. Once a person is able to find the 18th ground the issue is resolved. It is difficult at times. However, to reach a solution, the first step is to believe that there is a solution.  If we think that there is no solution, we won't be able to reach any!

 

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

I thought that we never would part
So, I gave to that trollop, my heart
But the slut often strays
She's not mended her ways
It appears I have made a false tart



Redneck goes to a pharmacist and says:
"I've got a hot date for tonight, an' I needs me some pertection. How much
is a pack a' them thar rubbers gonna cost me?" To which the pharmacist
responds:
"A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."
To which the redneck replies:
"TACKS! Gawd a'mighty, don't they stay on by themselves?"

An elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for HIV.
When asked why they felt that they should be tested at their age, the old
man said,
"Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex!"

"Why did your boss jump out of the window?" the detective asked the
secretary.
"I don't know", she sobbed, "he was always so nice to me. Two months ago he
gave me a fur coat, last month a sports car and just today a diamond ring.
Then he asked, what it would cost to be able to ravish me."
"And what did you say?"
I just said,
"The other men in the office always just give me fifty bucks."

To keep his favourite tool from rusting,
Popeye sticks it in olive oil.

A man walked up to a farmer's house, and knocked on the door.
When the farmer's wife opened the door, the man asked if she knew how to
have sex.
Not amused, she slammed the door.
Again, the man knocked, and again, he asked the same question.
Again, she slammed the door and screamed,
"Get the hell away!"
Later, she told her husband of the incident.
He said he would stay home the following day just in case.
Sure enough, the next day the same man returned.
The husband hid with his gun while his wife answered the door.
When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex she said,
"Yes," just to see how he would react.
The man replied,
"Great! Give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to
keep away from my wife!"

Doug brought Tammy back to his apartment, took off his clothes, and said,
"I'd like you to meet my little friend."
Tammy took a look, gathered up her clothes, then said,
"Call me when it grows up."

One day, God came to Adam for a brief discussion.
"I've got some good news and some bad news." God said.
Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied,
"Please give me the good news first. "
Smiling, God explained,
"I've created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will
allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive
conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you
to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve
will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will
be able to conceive children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed,
"These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly
be bad news after such great tidings?"
God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow,
"The bad news is, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these
organs at a time."

What is the difference between oral and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day
And
Anal sex makes your whole weak.

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball,
and seeing no one around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket
of his shorts.
Later, one his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for
the lights to change.
A blond standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.
"What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust "Tennis ball," came
the breathless reply.
"Oh," said the blonde sympathetically, "That must be painful, I had tennis
elbow once."

"Don't open that wardrobe!" shouted my wife as I was just about to,
"Your Christmas present is in there!"
"Too late," I said, pulling open the door.
"You get me the shittiest presents!" I said, looking in.
"Why the Hell would I want a half naked milkman?"

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Priest's Retirement Dinner

A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25
years in the parish.

The Mayor, member of the congregation, was chosen to make the
presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own
few words while they waited:

'I got my first impression of the parish from the first
confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible
place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had
stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to
lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled
from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal
drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on
I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to
a fine parish full of good and loving people.'

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived
full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the
presentation and gave his talk:

'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,'
said the Mayor. 'In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go
to him for confession.'

Moral : Never, Never, Never Be Late

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Funny Puns

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.


2. A jumper cable walks into a bar.
The bartender says,
"I'll serve you, but don't start anything."


3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.


4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.


5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."


6. Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other:
"Does this taste funny to you?"


7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."


8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly,
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.


9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.


10. Deja Moo:
The feeling that you've heard this bull before.


11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day,
But
I couldn't find any.


12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "
I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"


13. I went to a seafood disco last week...
And pulled a mussel.


14. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.


15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
The one turns to the other and says
"Dam!".


16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly,
So, they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly, it sank,
Proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.


17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to
disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

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Did You Know ...

Dalmatians are born without spots.

Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.

The `v' in the name of a court case does not stand for `versus', but for
`and'
(in civil proceedings) or `against' (in criminal proceedings).

Men's shirts have the buttons on the right, but women's shirts have the
buttons on the left.

The owl is the only bird to drop its upper eyelid to wink.
All other birds raise their lower eyelids.

The reason honey is so easy to digest is that it's already been digested by
a bee.

Roosters cannot crow if they cannot extend their necks.

The color blue has a calming effect.
It causes the brain to release calming hormones.

Every time you sneeze some of your brain cells die.

Your left lung is smaller than your right lung to make room for your heart

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Quotes Of The Day ... Mahatma Gandhi

Gandhi became the symbol of the Indian struggle for independence in the
first half of the twentieth century.
Apart from the Indian nationalists who rallied under his leadership, he
inspired writers, political figures, and filmmakers.
One of the most famous works inspired by Gandhi was the 1982 Richard
Attenborough movie in which Ben Kingsley starred as Gandhi.
If you have watched the movie you will definitely remember a Gandhi quote or
two.
Here are some more inspiring quotations by the great man.
Each Gandhi quote in this collection abounds in practical wisdom.

A man is but the product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes.

As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the
world -- that is the myth of the atomic age -- as in being able to remake
ourselves.

Be the change you want to see in the world.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you
win.

God is conscience. He is even the atheism of the atheist.

Honest disagreement is often a good sign of progress.

If by strength is meant moral power, then woman is immeasurably man's
superior.

No power on earth can subjugate you when you are armed with the sword of
ahimsa. It ennobles both the victor and the vanquished.

Nobody can hurt me without my permission.

There is more to life than simply increasing its speed.

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XX Adult Limericks.

There was a young dentist Malone
Who had a charming girl patient alone.
But in his depravity
He filled the wrong cavity,
God, how his practice has grown!
*****

From a crypt in the church of St. Giles,
Came a scream that resounded for miles!!
"My goodness gracious!" Said brother Ignatius.
"I forgot that your lordship has piles."
*****

A Man's occupation
Is to shove his Cockulation
Up a women's Ventalation
To increase the popultation
Of the human Generation
I got this information
From a book of education
For a free Demonstration
Lie Down.
*****

A remarkable fellow named Jones,
Could reduce any maiden to moans,
By a technical knowledge,
Acquired in college,
Of fourteen erogenous zones.
*****

Jack and Jill Went up the hill
Both of them had a quarter
Jill came down with fifty cents
And Jack came down with a boner!
*****

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WHEN YOU THOUGHT I WASN'T LOOKING

A message every adult should read because children are watching you & doing
as you do,
Not as you say.


When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you hang my
First painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately
Wanted to paint another one.


When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you feed a
Stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind
To animals.


When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you make my
Favourite cake for me, and I learned that the little
Things can be the special things in life.


When you thought I wasn't looking I heard you say a prayer,
And I knew that there is a God I could always
Talk to, and I learned to trust in Him.


When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you make a
Meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I
Learned that we all have to help take care of each
Other.


When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you give of
Your time and money to help people who had nothing,
And I learned that those who have something should
Give to those who don't.


When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you take care
Of our house and everyone in it, and I learned we have
To take care of what we are given.


When you thought I wasn't looking I saw how you
Handled your responsibilities, even when you didn' t
Feel good, and I learned that I would have to be
Responsible when I grow up.


When you thought I wasn't looking I saw tears come
From your eyes, and I learned that sometimes things
Hurt, but it's all right to cry.


When you thought I wasn't looking I saw that you
Cared, and I wanted to be everything that I could be.


When you thought I wasn't looking I learned most of
life's lessons that I need to know to be a good and
Productive person when I grow up.


When you thought I wasn't looking I looked at you and
Wanted to say,'Thanks for all the things I saw when
You thought I wasn't looking.'



WE DO SO MUCH FOR OTHERS,
BUT THINK THAT NO ONE EVER SEES.

LITTLE EYES SEE A LOT .


Each of us (parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, teacher, friend) influences
the life of a child.

How will you touch the life of someone today?
Just by sending this to someone else,
You will probably make them at least think about their influence on others.

Live simply.
Love generously.
Care deeply.
Speak kindly.
Leave the rest to God.

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Irish Mirror

After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old
Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin.
In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it.
Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image staring
back at him.


'How 'bout that! he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of my Fadder.'
He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the
way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in
the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing, he would go
there and look at it.


His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed.
So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror.
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch
he's running around with.'

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Alexander The Great - Last Words - legacy in life !

Alexander, after conquering many kingdoms, was returning home. On the way,
he fell ill and it took him to his death bed. With death staring him in his
face, Alexander realized how his conquests, his great army, his sharp sword
and all his wealth were of no consequence.

He now longed to reach home to see his mother's face and bid her his last
adieu. But, he had to accept the fact that his sinking health would not
permit Him to reach his distant homeland. So, the mighty conqueror lay
prostrate and pale, helplessly waiting to breathe his last.

He called his generals and said, "I will depart from this world soon, I have
three wishes, please carry out them out without fail."
With tears flowing down their cheeks, the generals agreed to abide by their
king's last wishes.

"My first desire is that", said Alexander, "My physicians alone must carry
my coffin."

After a pause, he continued, "Secondly, I desire that when my coffin is
being carried to the grave, the path leading to the graveyard be strewn with
gold, silver and precious stones which I have collected in my treasury".

The king felt exhausted after saying this. He took a minute's rest and
continued. "My third and last wish is that both my hands be kept dangling
out of my coffin".

The people who had gathered there wondered at the king's strange wishes. But
no one dared bring the question to their lips.. Alexander's favorite general
kissed his hand and pressed them to his heart. "O king, we assure you that
your wishes will all be fulfilled. But tell us why do you make such strange
wishes?"

At this Alexander took a deep breath and said: "I would like the world to
know of the three lessons I have just learnt.

Lessons to learn from last 3 wishes of King Alexander...

I want my physicians to carry my coffin because people should realize that
no doctor can really cure any body. They are powerless and cannot save a
person from the clutches of death. So let not people take life for granted.

The second wish of strewing gold, silver and other riches on the way to the
graveyard is to tell People that not even a fraction of gold will come with
me. I spent all my life earning riches but cannot take anything with me. Let
people realize that it is a sheer waste of time to chase wealth.

And about my third wish of having my hands dangling out of the coffin, I
wish people to know that I came empty into this world and empty handed I go
out of this world".

With these words, the king closed his eyes. Soon he let death conquer him
and breathed his last. . . .

LESSONS TO LEARN

Remember, your good health is in your own hands, look after it.
Wealth is only meaningful if you can enjoy while you are still alive and
kicking.
What you do for yourself dies with you but what you do for others, lives on.

It is called "Legacy."

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X Blonde Inventions ...

Some Inventions are simply better left un-invented:

Left handed pencil

Clear correction fluid

Black highlighter

Waterproof tea bags

Braille driving manual

Dehydrated water

Screen door on a submarine

Helicopter ejection seat

Air conditioning for motorcycle

Wooden barbecue

Glow-in-the-dark sun dial

Gasoline fire extinguisher

Battery-powered battery charger

Fake rhinestones

Fireproof matches

Glow-in-the-dark sunglasses

Mesh umbrella

Solar-powered flashlight.

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

A guy was screwing his girlfriend in a park by the side of the road when a
cop car pulled up.
"Just what the hell do you think your doing?" asked the cop.
The guy looked up at the cop and said,
"I'm screwing my girlfriend!"
"Great!" said the cop, "I'm next!"
"Sounds good to me," replied the guy, "I have never screwed a cop before!"

Hey, don't knock masturbation!
It's sex with someone you love.

A man walks in to a psychiatrist's office and lies down one the couch.
The shrink says,
"What makes you think you need the services of a psychiatrist?"
The man replies that he wakes up every night in the kitchen after some
pretty crazy sleepwalking.
The shrink says,
"So, would you like me to try to cure you of sleepwalking?"
The man explains that the sleepwalking isn't really the problem.
Every time he wakes up he is in the same place, doing the same thing -- He
has his pajamas around his ankles and his dick in a jar of peanuts.
The psychiatrist says,
"I think I know what your problem is. You're fuckin' nuts."

I was banging this nice lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front
door open.
She said,
"It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!"
Thinking back, I really should have ran -- but you don't get offers like
that every day.

Larry gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife, says,
"Where in the hell have you been?"
Larry replies,
"I was out getting a tattoo."
"Tattoo?" she frowned. "what kind of tattoo did you get?"
''I got a hundred dollar bill one my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said shaking her head in disgust.
"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed one his
privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to
play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly,
instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow
a hundred bucks anytime you want."
Larry is recovering in room 232 at the hospital.

"That new girl in the typing pool is driving me crazy!" bemoaned Rich to
Ernie. "That girl is a real mirage."
"Aren't you using the wrong word?" asked Ernie. "A mirage is something you
can see but can't feel."
"Yeah," came the reply "That describes her exactly!"

John was on a business trip for a few days, and one night he went looking
for a little 'action'.
He picked up a sweet young thing at the bar, and took her back to his hotel
room.
Little did he know that she had a snapping pussy and was darn near a
nymphomaniac.
After six times having sex, she was screaming for more.
After the eighth time, John told her that he needed to slip out for a pack
of cigarettes.
One the way out, he stopped into the men's room.
He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped his pants, and felt a moment of
panic when he couldn't find his tool.
After a couple of minutes fishing around, he finally said,
"Look. It's okay. She's not here!"

I saw a fortune teller the other day.
She told me I would come into some money.
Last night I screwed a girl called Penny -- Is that spooky or what?

One day Susie went into her back yard and found her dog Muffles lying dead
with its legs up in the air.
She asked,
"Daddy, Daddy why is Muffles legs in the air?"
Thinking quickly, her dad replied,
"This way Jesus can come down and take Muffles to heaven easier."
The next day, when Susie's dad came home she ran up to him and said,
"Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost died today."
Flustered, her father said,
"Honey, what happened?"
And Susie said,
"Well Mommy's legs were up in the air and she was screaming, 'Oh Jesus I'm
coming I'm coming' and if it wasn't for the milkman holding her down she
would have been a goner."

School girl to mother:
"I do not want to go to the sex education class."
"Why not?"
"Because the final exam will be oral."

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XX ADULT PUNS!

The missus bought a Paperback, down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag, t'was 'Fifty Shades Of Grey'.
Well I just left her to it, and at 10, I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared, the sight filled me with dread.

In her left she held a rope; and in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor, and then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago, I might have had a peek.
But Mabel hasn't weathered well. She's eighty four next week!

Watching Mabel bump and grind could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse, she toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet, a couple minutes later.
She put her teeth back in and said, "I am a dominater!"

Now if you knew our Mabel, you'd see just why I spluttered.
I'd spent two months in traction, for the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked, bent forward just a bit.
I went to hold her, sensual like, and stood on her left tit.

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out. My god what had I done?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out, "Step on the other one!"
Well readers, I can't tell no more, about what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair, turned fifty shades of grey.



A cub scout become a boy scout when he eats his first Brownie.

Partners help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story:
In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City
to Chicago.
The little boy, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother
and asked,
"If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big
planes have baby planes?"
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight
attendant.
So, the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant,
"If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big
planes have baby planes?"
The busy flight attendant smiled and said,
"Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy said,
"Yes, she did."
"Well then, you tell your mother that there are no baby planes because
Southwest always pulls out on time. Ask her to explain that to you."

Bisexual:
Someone who likes girls as well as the next guy.

A guy went into a bar and met a nice girl.
They have a few drinks and soon wound up at his place, in bed.
They're having a great time.
She was on top when suddenly she had an epileptic seizure she was shaking
and foaming at the mouth.
Our uninformed male thought this was incredible best sex he'd ever had.
He finished, but she is still shaking and thrashing about with her seizure.
He began to get nervous and took her to the emergency room.
A nurse asked what the girl's problem was, and he replied,
"Err, I think her orgasm is stuck!"

"I'd rather be pissed off, than pissed on."
This is one of those times that the difference between "then" and "than" is
very important.

Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day, so
she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, and said,
"Johnny. This is where you come from."
Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting all his friends now
refer to him as "Lucky Johnny."
"Why?" one asked. Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said,
"Because I came this close to being a turd.

Two Swedish housemaids are having their pictures taken.
The first one asks,
"Why is he looking at us like that?"
The second replies,
"He's got to focus."
"Oh no," says the first one, "you tell him he has to take the picture
first."

The mother-in-law comes home and finds her son-in-law furious and packing
his suitcase.
"What happened?"
"What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife
saying that I was coming home from my trip today. I got home and guess what
I found? My wife, yes my Rachel, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This
is the end of our marriage, I will leave forever!"
"Calm down!" says mother-in-law. "There is something odd about this story.
Rachel would never do such a thing! Wait a minute while I check what
happened."
Moments later, mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"You see, I said there must be a simple explanation. Rachel didn't receive
your Email."

A woman asked a Scot what he wore under his kilt.
He said,
"Stick your hand under and you'll see!"
The woman did, then screamed,
"Gruesome!"
The Scot retorted,
"Stick your hand under again and you'll see that it grew some more."

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

George was describing his new secretary enthusiastically to the family at
dinner:
"She's efficient, personable, clever, punctual, and darned attractive, to
boot. In short, she's a real doll!"
"A doll?" said his wife.
"A doll!" re-emphasized George.
At which point, their five-year-old daughter, who knew about dolls, looked
up from her broccoli to ask:
"And does she close her eyes when you lay her down, Daddy?"

A sweet young thing of our acquaintance decided that she would rather be a
young man's slave than an old man's darling,
Because
She couldn't stand the idea of old age creeping up on her.

Men are like Cement.
After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls.
Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce.
"Okay," the judge-said, "tell the court why you want a divorce."
"Well, your honour," Dan started, "every once in a while my sister-in law
would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical
looking, every once in a while I'd end up making love to her by mistake."
"Surely there must be some difference between the two women." the judge
said.
"You'd better believe there is a difference, your honour. That's why I want
the divorce."

I keep telling my wife:
"It's NOT cheating on you with your sister, it's making love to you by
proxy."
Some women just don't understand.

A paper bag goes to the doctor and complains of feeling really ill.
The doctor does a lot of tests and tells the paper bag to come back next
week for the results.
The following week the paper bag is extremely distressed to be told by his
doctor that he has Hepatitis B.
"But how can this be," he cries, "I'm only a paper bag".
"Well, ER, have you had unprotected sex in the last year?", asks the doctor.
"No, how can I?'' he shouts, "I'm only a paper bag."
"How about sharing needles, giving blood, anything like that?"
"I've said to you before," the paper bag sobs, "How can I? I'm only a paper
bag."
"Ahhhh," says the doctor shaking his head sadly,
"As I suspected - your mother must have been a carrier."

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Australian Army (Excellent!) Bloody brilliant!!!

Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you
not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far
south west of Queensland )

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the
Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick
smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at
first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping
in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots
and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to
stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz
there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or
possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by
that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route
march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back
paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting
medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody
possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the
Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before
the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit
the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own
cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady
yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful
coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack
and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the
muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the
platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the
Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the
shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet,
but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before
word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

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XX Who gives a ...

"When you're over Seventy, Who gives a s* *t." !

This a**ehole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically
said, "Is that Tooheys or VB?"

I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."

***********

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.

She said: "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair
cut, you'd look all right."

I said: "If I did that, I'd be talking to your good looking friends
over there instead of you."

***********

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a
woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then, try"

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and
said: "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."

***********

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

***********

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

***********

"On Safari with the Mother-in-law."

A big game hunter went on a safari with his wife and mother-in-law.

One morning, while still deep in the jungle, the hunter's wife
awakened to find her mother gone.

She woke her husband, and they both set off in search of the old woman.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight.

The mother-in-law was standing face to face with a ferocious lion.

"What are we going to do?" his horrified wife asked.

"Nothing," her husband replied, "The lion got himself into this mess,
let him get himself out of it."

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

A man and a woman are driving home from a date.
The man stops the car, and the woman says:
"Oh no, you aren't going to pull the 'Out of gas' routine!"
The man says,
"No, it's the 'Hereafter' routine. If you're not here after what I'm here
after, then you're going to be here after I'm gone."

This morning. The math teacher singled me out to ask me,
"If you have $200, and you give $60 to Mary, $60 to Sandy and $60 to Susan,
what would you have?"
Turned out that "an orgy" was not the correct answer.

You should treat your woman the way you treat your Hoover!
When it stops sucking, change the bag.

Once upon a time there was a young redneck by the name of Jack.
Jack lived and worked on a farm with the farmer, the farmer's wife and their
daughter Mabel.
One fine day, as Jack was attending to his daily chores he saw Mabel bending
over to milk the cow.
He felt himself become aroused for the first time and, shocked, ran to find
the farmer to explain this strange happening.
Upon finding the farmer, he proceeded to drop his trousers and whip out his
stiff trouser snake, much to the horror of the farmer. "Farmer, farmer,"
Jack cried, "what is happening to my penis?"
"Now settle down and put that thing away." said the farmer.
"Don't worry about it. It happens to all men."
"But I don't like it!" cried Jack.
"Well then," said the farmer, "next time it happens just go into the milk
shed, get some cow manure and rub it on your dick. It'll go down real fast,
trust me."
The next day, Jack was passing by the house when he looked in, and saw the
farmer's wife having a shower.
Feeling his member getting hard he rushed into the cow shed, dropped his
pants and picked up two handfuls of cow manure.
Just then Mabel walked into the shed.
"What are you doing Jack?" asked Mabel.
"Well," Jack replied," I'm going to rub this manure on my dick to make it go
down."
"That would be a waste." Mabel said.
As she laid down on the ground and lifted her skirt.
"Why don't you stick it up here?"
So he did.
Both handfuls.

A man who spends the night at a gay bar
May wake up with a queer taste in his mouth.

The cabaret piano man was playing in an intimate and dimly lit club.
He couldn't help but notice a couple locked in a passionate embrace on a
love seat right in front of the piano.
They were rather distracting, but finally they came up for air long enough
to make a breathless request.
"Uh, could you play 'After the Lovin'?'"
"Sure thing," agreed the piano player. "Just let me know when you're
through."

Snow White was kicked out of Disney Land. A.
She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face and saying,
"Lie. You bastard! Lie!'"

"My, but you look different today Claudia." commented Reneto her co-worker.
"Your hair is extra curly, and you have this wide-eyed look. What did you
use? Special curlers and some dramatic eye make-up?" "No!" replied Claudia.
"My damn vibrator shorted out this morning."

You can always tell which is the head nurse.
She's the one with the dirty knees.

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NEVER LEAVE YOUR NUTS ALONE

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a
baseball game ...

For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his
commands.

When the day of the game arrived. Everything went quite well.

As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts", and the
patients complied by standing up.

After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts", and they all sat back down
in their seats.

After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all
broke out into applause and cheered.

When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the
home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts", and they all started
booing and cat calling Comfortable with their response, the
doctor
decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in
charge.

When he returned, there was a riot in progress.

Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked, "What in the world
happened?"

The assistant replied, "Well everything was going just fine until
this guy walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"

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Men - Pl enjoy - Women - Don't get annoyed!

An airline introduced a special package for businessmen. Buy your ticket;
get your wife's ticket free.
After a great success, the airline sent letters to all the wives asking how
was the trip.
All of them gave the same reply, "Which trip?"
*******************************************

Husband was seriously ill. After thorough examination, doctor sent him
outside to wait.
Doctor to wife: Give him healthy breakfast, be pleasant to him and keep him
in good mood, don't discuss your problems, don't demand new clothes or gold
jewels. Do this for one year and he will be fine.
On the way home, husband asked wife: What did the doctor say?
Wife: No matter what we do for you, you are going to die!
*******************************************

An intelligent wife is one who spends so much that her husband can't afford
another woman.
*******************************************

Wife buys a new phone and decides to surprise her husband who is sitting in
the living room.
She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband from the new number: "Hello
darling!"
The husband responds in a low tone: "Let me call you back later honey, the
dumb lady is in the kitchen."
*******************************************

Cool message by a woman: Dear mother-in-law, "don't teach me how to handle
my children, I'm living with one of yours and he needs a lot of
improvement."
*******************************************

A kid was beaten by his mom.
Dad came home and asked, "What happened son?"
Kid said, "I can't adjust with your wife anymore, I need my own."
*******************************************

In an African safari, a lion suddenly bounced on Santa's wife.
Wife: Shoot him! Shoot him!
Santa: Yes, yes. I'm changing the battery in my camera..
*******************************************

What is the difference between mother and wife?
A – One woman brings you into this world crying and the other ensures you
continue to do so.
*******************************************

Husband and wife are like 2 tires of a vehicle.
If one punctures, the vehicle can't move further.
Moral: Always keep a spare tire....
*******************************************

What's the similarity between chewing gum and begum (wife) ??

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XXXX ADULT PUNS!

MODELS will do it in any position.
MODEM MANUFACTURERS do it with all sorts of characters.
MOTORCYCLISTS like something hot between their legs.
MOUNTAIN CLIMBERS like to be on top
MOVIE STARS do it on film.



On the first night of their honeymoon, the very naive virgin bride slipped
into a sexy, but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into
bed, only to find that her husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he
replied,
"Because it's Lent."
"Why, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard," she exclaimed,
close to tears. "To whom and for how long?!"

Man who lose key to woman's apartment get no new key.

The businesswoman, in town for an important meeting, checked into her room
at the swank hotel and unpacked her bags.
Noticing that her best suit had been badly wrinkled during her flight, she
telephoned the desk and asked the hotel's valet service to pick it up for
pressing.
Almost immediately after she hung up the phone, a knock sounded at the door,
and there stood an elderly Chinaman, waiting. Impressed by the fast service,
the career woman exclaimed,
"My, you come lickety-split!"
"No, ma'am," replied the elderly Asian man. "Come to get laundry."

If marriage is all about procreation and children,
Should we require a woman to be pregnant before a couple marries?
Just to make sure they're doing it for the right reasons.

One day, a door-to-door salesman knocked on a door.
Little Johnny answered the door and the salesman asked if his mother was
home.
Little Johnny said
"No, she is at the whore house."
The bright salesman asked if she was a prostitute, and the little boy
replied,
"No, she is a substitute. She only works Wednesdays and Fridays during the
rush."
The salesman said,
"Well I'll be a son-of-a-bitch."
The little boy said,
"Well, I'm one too, but I don't go around knocking on doors telling folks."

To get a sorority girl in your bed, grease her hips so she'll fit through
the door and throw a Twinkie on the bed.

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched
her one the butt and said,
"You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she controlled her anger and
replied with silence.
The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch one the breast and
said,
"You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."
That did it!
She rolled over and grabbed him by his dick.
With a death grip in place she said,
"You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the
Gardner, the pool man, and your brother!"

How do you know when the wife is taking too many steroids?
You come home one evening, she strips you, throws you on the couch and
screws you up the ass hole with her clitoris!

It was a difficult case for the jurors.
They had to decide whether the owners of the bottoms up club in New York
City were guilty of obscenity.
The judge decided that it would probably be best if the jury went to the
club and see the allegedly obscene act.
The judge and the jury watched the act once, focusing on the part where a
sexy couple performed the "Dance of Love" with a climactic scene of
lovemaking on a bearskin rug.
The jury was unable to decide definitely whether it was obscene or not.
So, the jury members asked to see the act one more time.
They watched it carefully again.
But they still couldn't reach a decision.
So, this time they asked the understudies to perform the same act one more
time.
Fortunately, the police involved in the case were very understanding.
According to the detective:
"It is a difficult matter. The police have watched the show 75 times."

What do you call someone who doesn't fart in public?
A private tutor.

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XXX Adult Limericks

Adult Limericks,
**************************

There was a young girl named Sapphire,
Who succumbed to her lover's desire,
She said: "It's a sin,
But now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
=============

There was a young student called Jones,
Who'd reduce any maiden to moans,
By his wonderful knowledge,
Acquired in college,
Of nineteen erogenous zones.
=============
Ginger from County of Dade,
Said, "I think that it's time I got laid.
My vibrator can tingle,
But it's not cunnilingual,
And that's how orgasms are made."
=============

There was a young lady from Brewster,
Who's ass was so nice that I goosed her,
But her panties were thin,
And my finger slipped in,
And it still just don't smell like it used ter.
=============
There once was a man from Australia,
Who went on a wild bacchanalia.
He buggered a frog,
Two mice, and a dog,
And a bishop in fullest regalia.
=============

There was a young lady of Arden,
Who sucked off ol' Bob in the garden.
He asked, "You old ho' ,
Where does all that stuff go?"
And she said, "(swallow hard)-- Beg pardon?"
=============

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Train Tickets - A little bit of humour

Three women and three men are at a railway ticket office, on their way to a
music festival. The three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women
buy just one ticket.


'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?' asks one of
the men.


'Watch and learn,' answers one of the women.

They board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all
three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.



Shortly after the train has departed the conductor comes around checking
tickets.


He knocks on the toilet door and says, 'Ticket, please. '



The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor checks it and moves on.


The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so they decide
to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money. When they get
to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to
their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!


'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' says one perplexed man.


'Watch and learn,' answers one of the women.


When they board the train the three men cram themselves into a toilet and
the three women cram into another toilet just down the way.


Shortly after the train is on its way one of the women leaves her toilet and
walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.

The woman knocks on their door and says, 'Ticket, please.'

I'm still trying to figure out why men ever think they are smarter than
women.

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Gentle Thoughts for Today

Birds of a feather flock together . .
And then poop on your car.

A penny saved is a
Government oversight.

The older you get, the tougher
It is to lose weight, because by
Then your body and your fat have
Gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find
Something lost around the
House is to buy a replacement ..

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman
Numerals for forty (40) are 'XL'.

The sole purpose of a child's
Middle name is so he can
Tell when he's really in trouble.

Did you ever notice: When you
Put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS'
Together it spells 'Theirs....'

Aging: Eventually you will
Reach a point when you stop
Lying about your age and
Start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back
Their odometers. Not me, I want
People to know 'why' I look this
Way. I've traveled a long way and
Some MOST of the roads weren't
PAVED AND I HAD TO WORK ON THEM!

When you are dissatisfied and
Would like to go back to your
Youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting
Old when everything either
Dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no
One tells you about aging
Is that it is such a nice change
From being young. Ah, being
Young is beautiful, but being
Old is comfortable.

Lord, Keep your arm around
My shoulder and your hand
Over my mouth . . . AMEN!

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Taxi Driver

A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Toronto . It
was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.

"Mom" said the boy "what are all those women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.

The taxi driver turns around and says "Geez lady, why don't you tell
him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for
money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"

His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks "Mom, what happens to the babies those
women have?"

"They become taxi drivers," she said.

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New words for 2013!!!

* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a
project failed and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything and
then leaves.

* SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get
screwed and die.

* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.

* PRAIRIE DOGGING..
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm and
people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This
also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

* SWAMP DONKEY.
A deeply unattractive person..

* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get
it to work again.

* OH-NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just
made a BIG mistake. (e.g. You've hit 'reply all').

* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.


* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. Extremely impressive when viewed
from the outside but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

* MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo!
Aa! Aa! Aa!'.

* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the
toilet after your 10th pint and whisks away all the unattractive
people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back
in.

* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

* TRAMP STAMP.
Tattoo on a female.

* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's
got 4 buttocks.

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Fortune Teller

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the fortune
teller delivered grave news:



"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare
yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible
death this year."



Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the
single flickering candle, then down at her hands.



She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing.



She simply had to know.

.

.

.

.



She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will
I be acquitted?"

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R u dumb?

'John took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first,
Kim?" asked the man.

"I want to get weighed," said the girl. They ambled over to the weight
guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she
won a prize.

Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, John again
asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back
to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he
guessed her correct weight, and John lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I
want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, John figured she was
really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim
responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy." '

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Atheist In The Woods..

An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!'
'What powerful rivers!'
'What beautiful animals!'
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes
behind him.


He turned to look.
He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path.
He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.
He tripped & fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of
him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike
him.


At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out:
'Oh my God!'

Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist,
and even credit creation to a cosmic accident.'
'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?'

'Am I to count you as a believer?'

The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be
hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but
perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian????'

'Very well'!!! , said the voice.

The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed.
And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his
head in reverence & spake thus:

'Dear Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy magnificent
bounty...
Amen.'

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Question to Confucius

Woman asks: If I sleep with three men, everyone calls me a slut.
But when a man sleeps with ten women, Every one calls him a real man.
How come . . . ?!?
Confucius replies:
It's very simple. "When one lock can be opened by three different keys, it's
a bad lock.
But when one key can open ten different locks, we call it a MASTER KEY ...."

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