XXX ADULT PUNS!

Close first cousins got caught sneaking
Having sex in the barn squeaking.
And though it's unlawful
They weren't all that awful;
At least relatively speaking.


Confucius Say:
If a bulldog and a shitsu are mated, it would be called a 'bull-shit'.

The distinguished-looking elderly man asked at the department store
information kiosk where he might purchase some personal stationery.
He was directed to the notions department on the third floor, but in the
crowded elevator he became confused and got off on the fourth floor by
mistake.
Approaching the attractive floor manager standing near the elevator doors,
he said,
"Excuse me, Miss, but do you have notions?"
"Sure," she replied mischievously, "but during the work week I try to
suppress them until after five o'clock."
"No, no, you don't understand," he stammered. "I mean to say, do you keep
stationery?"
"No, I like to go with the flow right till the end," replied the floor
manager, laughing. "And then, I just start quivering all over."

Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman.
It's got to be hot.
You've got to take your time.
You've got to stir gently, and firmly.
You've got to grind your beans until they squeak.
And then you put in the milk.

A bloke wins the lottery and decides to buy himself a Harley Davidson, he
goes down to his local bike shop and after purchasing a top of the range
bike, the owner of the shop tells him to coat the bike in Vaseline every
time it looks like raining.
That night he goes and picks his girlfriend up one his new toy and heads
over to her parents house for the first time.
As they arrive there, she explains to him that whenever they have dinner,
don't talk.
"If you talk," she tells him, "you have to do the pots."
The man is astounded as he walks into the house as it is a complete mess.
Anyway, the family all sit down for dinner not saying a word.
The man decides to take advantage of the situation by groping his
girlfriend's tits, yet there is not a sound from anyone. So, he decides to
shag his bird one the table, and still there is not a word.
He then proceeds to do his girlfriend's mum over the table, but still,
amazingly, there's not a word from anyone. Just at that moment he notices
the rain one the kitchen window and remembers his precious motorbike,
So, he reaches into his pocket and flops the Vaseline out.
At which point his girlfriend's dad leaps up and shouts,
"Okay! Okay! I'll do the stinking' pots!"

You tell a woman really likes oral sex
If she hikes up her skirt every time someone yawns.

In ancient times it was believed that the gods and goddesses could come down
to earth and visit mortals, sometimes coupling with them.
One morning, a sweet young thing told her mother,
"I think a god coupled with me last night."
"Really?" her mother asked.
"I wonder if it's Thor?"
"Thor?" the girl asked. "It'th tho thore I can't touch it with a powder
puff!"

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today.
Sparks flew,
She fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then.
God, I love my new Taser!

It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic
activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's abilities.
In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries.
After sex, they glance at their watches and say,
"Oops, gotta run!"

The Burger King got the Diary Queen pregnant
When he forgot to wrap his whopper.._,_.___