XXX ADULT PUNS!

A man and a woman are driving home from a date.
The man stops the car, and the woman says:
"Oh no, you aren't going to pull the 'Out of gas' routine!"
The man says,
"No, it's the 'Hereafter' routine. If you're not here after what I'm here
after, then you're going to be here after I'm gone."

This morning. The math teacher singled me out to ask me,
"If you have $200, and you give $60 to Mary, $60 to Sandy and $60 to Susan,
what would you have?"
Turned out that "an orgy" was not the correct answer.

You should treat your woman the way you treat your Hoover!
When it stops sucking, change the bag.

Once upon a time there was a young redneck by the name of Jack.
Jack lived and worked on a farm with the farmer, the farmer's wife and their
daughter Mabel.
One fine day, as Jack was attending to his daily chores he saw Mabel bending
over to milk the cow.
He felt himself become aroused for the first time and, shocked, ran to find
the farmer to explain this strange happening.
Upon finding the farmer, he proceeded to drop his trousers and whip out his
stiff trouser snake, much to the horror of the farmer. "Farmer, farmer,"
Jack cried, "what is happening to my penis?"
"Now settle down and put that thing away." said the farmer.
"Don't worry about it. It happens to all men."
"But I don't like it!" cried Jack.
"Well then," said the farmer, "next time it happens just go into the milk
shed, get some cow manure and rub it on your dick. It'll go down real fast,
trust me."
The next day, Jack was passing by the house when he looked in, and saw the
farmer's wife having a shower.
Feeling his member getting hard he rushed into the cow shed, dropped his
pants and picked up two handfuls of cow manure.
Just then Mabel walked into the shed.
"What are you doing Jack?" asked Mabel.
"Well," Jack replied," I'm going to rub this manure on my dick to make it go
down."
"That would be a waste." Mabel said.
As she laid down on the ground and lifted her skirt.
"Why don't you stick it up here?"
So he did.
Both handfuls.

A man who spends the night at a gay bar
May wake up with a queer taste in his mouth.

The cabaret piano man was playing in an intimate and dimly lit club.
He couldn't help but notice a couple locked in a passionate embrace on a
love seat right in front of the piano.
They were rather distracting, but finally they came up for air long enough
to make a breathless request.
"Uh, could you play 'After the Lovin'?'"
"Sure thing," agreed the piano player. "Just let me know when you're
through."

Snow White was kicked out of Disney Land. A.
She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face and saying,
"Lie. You bastard! Lie!'"

"My, but you look different today Claudia." commented Reneto her co-worker.
"Your hair is extra curly, and you have this wide-eyed look. What did you
use? Special curlers and some dramatic eye make-up?" "No!" replied Claudia.
"My damn vibrator shorted out this morning."

You can always tell which is the head nurse.
She's the one with the dirty knees.