XX ADULT PUNS!

The missus bought a Paperback, down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag, t'was 'Fifty Shades Of Grey'.
Well I just left her to it, and at 10, I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared, the sight filled me with dread.

In her left she held a rope; and in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor, and then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago, I might have had a peek.
But Mabel hasn't weathered well. She's eighty four next week!

Watching Mabel bump and grind could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse, she toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet, a couple minutes later.
She put her teeth back in and said, "I am a dominater!"

Now if you knew our Mabel, you'd see just why I spluttered.
I'd spent two months in traction, for the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked, bent forward just a bit.
I went to hold her, sensual like, and stood on her left tit.

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out. My god what had I done?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out, "Step on the other one!"
Well readers, I can't tell no more, about what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair, turned fifty shades of grey.



A cub scout become a boy scout when he eats his first Brownie.

Partners help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story:
In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City
to Chicago.
The little boy, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother
and asked,
"If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big
planes have baby planes?"
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight
attendant.
So, the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant,
"If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big
planes have baby planes?"
The busy flight attendant smiled and said,
"Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy said,
"Yes, she did."
"Well then, you tell your mother that there are no baby planes because
Southwest always pulls out on time. Ask her to explain that to you."

Bisexual:
Someone who likes girls as well as the next guy.

A guy went into a bar and met a nice girl.
They have a few drinks and soon wound up at his place, in bed.
They're having a great time.
She was on top when suddenly she had an epileptic seizure she was shaking
and foaming at the mouth.
Our uninformed male thought this was incredible best sex he'd ever had.
He finished, but she is still shaking and thrashing about with her seizure.
He began to get nervous and took her to the emergency room.
A nurse asked what the girl's problem was, and he replied,
"Err, I think her orgasm is stuck!"

"I'd rather be pissed off, than pissed on."
This is one of those times that the difference between "then" and "than" is
very important.

Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day, so
she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, and said,
"Johnny. This is where you come from."
Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting all his friends now
refer to him as "Lucky Johnny."
"Why?" one asked. Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said,
"Because I came this close to being a turd.

Two Swedish housemaids are having their pictures taken.
The first one asks,
"Why is he looking at us like that?"
The second replies,
"He's got to focus."
"Oh no," says the first one, "you tell him he has to take the picture
first."

The mother-in-law comes home and finds her son-in-law furious and packing
his suitcase.
"What happened?"
"What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife
saying that I was coming home from my trip today. I got home and guess what
I found? My wife, yes my Rachel, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This
is the end of our marriage, I will leave forever!"
"Calm down!" says mother-in-law. "There is something odd about this story.
Rachel would never do such a thing! Wait a minute while I check what
happened."
Moments later, mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"You see, I said there must be a simple explanation. Rachel didn't receive
your Email."

A woman asked a Scot what he wore under his kilt.
He said,
"Stick your hand under and you'll see!"
The woman did, then screamed,
"Gruesome!"
The Scot retorted,
"Stick your hand under again and you'll see that it grew some more."