XXX ADULT PUNS!

A guy was screwing his girlfriend in a park by the side of the road when a
cop car pulled up.
"Just what the hell do you think your doing?" asked the cop.
The guy looked up at the cop and said,
"I'm screwing my girlfriend!"
"Great!" said the cop, "I'm next!"
"Sounds good to me," replied the guy, "I have never screwed a cop before!"

Hey, don't knock masturbation!
It's sex with someone you love.

A man walks in to a psychiatrist's office and lies down one the couch.
The shrink says,
"What makes you think you need the services of a psychiatrist?"
The man replies that he wakes up every night in the kitchen after some
pretty crazy sleepwalking.
The shrink says,
"So, would you like me to try to cure you of sleepwalking?"
The man explains that the sleepwalking isn't really the problem.
Every time he wakes up he is in the same place, doing the same thing -- He
has his pajamas around his ankles and his dick in a jar of peanuts.
The psychiatrist says,
"I think I know what your problem is. You're fuckin' nuts."

I was banging this nice lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front
door open.
She said,
"It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!"
Thinking back, I really should have ran -- but you don't get offers like
that every day.

Larry gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife, says,
"Where in the hell have you been?"
Larry replies,
"I was out getting a tattoo."
"Tattoo?" she frowned. "what kind of tattoo did you get?"
''I got a hundred dollar bill one my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said shaking her head in disgust.
"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed one his
privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to
play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly,
instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow
a hundred bucks anytime you want."
Larry is recovering in room 232 at the hospital.

"That new girl in the typing pool is driving me crazy!" bemoaned Rich to
Ernie. "That girl is a real mirage."
"Aren't you using the wrong word?" asked Ernie. "A mirage is something you
can see but can't feel."
"Yeah," came the reply "That describes her exactly!"

John was on a business trip for a few days, and one night he went looking
for a little 'action'.
He picked up a sweet young thing at the bar, and took her back to his hotel
room.
Little did he know that she had a snapping pussy and was darn near a
nymphomaniac.
After six times having sex, she was screaming for more.
After the eighth time, John told her that he needed to slip out for a pack
of cigarettes.
One the way out, he stopped into the men's room.
He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped his pants, and felt a moment of
panic when he couldn't find his tool.
After a couple of minutes fishing around, he finally said,
"Look. It's okay. She's not here!"

I saw a fortune teller the other day.
She told me I would come into some money.
Last night I screwed a girl called Penny -- Is that spooky or what?

One day Susie went into her back yard and found her dog Muffles lying dead
with its legs up in the air.
She asked,
"Daddy, Daddy why is Muffles legs in the air?"
Thinking quickly, her dad replied,
"This way Jesus can come down and take Muffles to heaven easier."
The next day, when Susie's dad came home she ran up to him and said,
"Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost died today."
Flustered, her father said,
"Honey, what happened?"
And Susie said,
"Well Mommy's legs were up in the air and she was screaming, 'Oh Jesus I'm
coming I'm coming' and if it wasn't for the milkman holding her down she
would have been a goner."

School girl to mother:
"I do not want to go to the sex education class."
"Why not?"
"Because the final exam will be oral."