XX ADULT PUNS!

There was a young man from Purdue
Who was only just learning to screw,
But he hadn't the knack,
And he got too far back,
In the right church, but in the wrong pew.


A fat man was seated on his front steps drinking a can of beer when a
busybody spinster from down the street began to berate him for his
appearance.
"What a disgusting sight," she said. "If that belly was on a woman, I'd
swear she was pregnant."
To which the man smiled and replied,
"Madam, it was and she is."

The room called where enlisted women blow the officers is called
The headquarters.

Murray had a new flame, and before long they had a difference of opinion.
"I don't like the way you're carrying on with other guys," he ranted, "That
must stop!"
"Calm down, Murray," she replied, "There's no reason for you to flip.
Listen, don't I always let you take me to shows?" "Yeah."
"And to dinner?"
"That's right."
"And don't I let you buy me flowers and clothes, and other gifts?"
"Yeah."
"So, what are you getting excited about," she assured him, "I only use the
other guys for love-making."

A good sermon is like a woman's skirt,
Long enough to cover the essentials
And
Short enough to keep you interested.

A man checks into a hotel and the desk clerk asks, very quietly, if he would
like a woman sent to his room.
The man says yes.
The desk clerk says,
"I have a stenographer, a switchboard operator or a teacher. Which one
should I send up?"
With this the man replies,
"I'll take the teacher."
When the man checks out the next morning, the desk clerk says,
"I'm curious, why did you pick the teacher instead of the stenographer or
the switchboard operator?"
The man replies,
"The stenographer would say that she can't take it as fast as I give it. The
switchboard operator would cut me off before I'm finished, but the teacher
would tell me to do it over and over again until I get it right."

I'm not saying she's a slut,
But
she's shoved so much meat in her mouth, Nathan's banned her from the Hot Dog
Eating Contest.

A professor is lecturing his class on the possibility of finding joy in
unusual activities.
"Even the most natural and common actions can provide an immense amount of
pleasure. For example, a good bowel movement can be as enjoyable as making
love."
A student starts madly waving his hand and stands up when acknowledged.
"Professor," he says, "either you don't know how to screw, or I don't know
how to shit!"

A friend said there was nothing worse than waking up with a sore head and
less money than you thought you had.
I said,
"Could be worse, you could have a sore ass and MORE money than you thought
you had."

Sadie and Sophie are sitting at the kitchen table, bragging.
"My daughter lives in a penthouse apartment in Miami," says Sadie. "She goes
out to dinner every night at a different restaurant, has beautiful furs and
clothes, and lots of boyfriends. "
Sophie replies,
"Yeah, my daughter's a whore too."

Bad:
You find a porn movie in your son's room.
Worse:
You're in it.

Dave had just returned from his honeymoon and was settling down in their new
apartment.
Coming home from work one night the landlady met Dave in the hallway and
said,
"I have a couple of extra tickets to a play in town tonight, and I wonder if
you and your new bride would like to have them?"
"I'll ask her," Dave responded.
He opened the door to his apartment and called out,
"Honey, would you like to see 'Oliver Twist' tonight?"
"No way!!," his bride retorted, "If you show me one more trick with that
thing, I'm going home to my Mother!"

Roses are red
That's elementary
Let's call up a friend
And try double entry