XXX ADULT PUNS!

I thought that we never would part
So, I gave to that trollop, my heart
But the slut often strays
She's not mended her ways
It appears I have made a false tart



Redneck goes to a pharmacist and says:
"I've got a hot date for tonight, an' I needs me some pertection. How much
is a pack a' them thar rubbers gonna cost me?" To which the pharmacist
responds:
"A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."
To which the redneck replies:
"TACKS! Gawd a'mighty, don't they stay on by themselves?"

An elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for HIV.
When asked why they felt that they should be tested at their age, the old
man said,
"Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex!"

"Why did your boss jump out of the window?" the detective asked the
secretary.
"I don't know", she sobbed, "he was always so nice to me. Two months ago he
gave me a fur coat, last month a sports car and just today a diamond ring.
Then he asked, what it would cost to be able to ravish me."
"And what did you say?"
I just said,
"The other men in the office always just give me fifty bucks."

To keep his favourite tool from rusting,
Popeye sticks it in olive oil.

A man walked up to a farmer's house, and knocked on the door.
When the farmer's wife opened the door, the man asked if she knew how to
have sex.
Not amused, she slammed the door.
Again, the man knocked, and again, he asked the same question.
Again, she slammed the door and screamed,
"Get the hell away!"
Later, she told her husband of the incident.
He said he would stay home the following day just in case.
Sure enough, the next day the same man returned.
The husband hid with his gun while his wife answered the door.
When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex she said,
"Yes," just to see how he would react.
The man replied,
"Great! Give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to
keep away from my wife!"

Doug brought Tammy back to his apartment, took off his clothes, and said,
"I'd like you to meet my little friend."
Tammy took a look, gathered up her clothes, then said,
"Call me when it grows up."

One day, God came to Adam for a brief discussion.
"I've got some good news and some bad news." God said.
Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied,
"Please give me the good news first. "
Smiling, God explained,
"I've created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will
allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive
conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you
to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve
will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will
be able to conceive children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed,
"These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly
be bad news after such great tidings?"
God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow,
"The bad news is, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these
organs at a time."

What is the difference between oral and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day
And
Anal sex makes your whole weak.

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball,
and seeing no one around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket
of his shorts.
Later, one his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for
the lights to change.
A blond standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.
"What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust "Tennis ball," came
the breathless reply.
"Oh," said the blonde sympathetically, "That must be painful, I had tennis
elbow once."

"Don't open that wardrobe!" shouted my wife as I was just about to,
"Your Christmas present is in there!"
"Too late," I said, pulling open the door.
"You get me the shittiest presents!" I said, looking in.
"Why the Hell would I want a half naked milkman?"