XXX ADULT PUNS

There was a young fool name of Raines,
To get laid, he'd go to great pains,
Never a genius,
He thought with his penis,
But his prick was as dumb as his brains.

Chatting with my mother-in-law, I asked,
"Have you heard of this company that takes the cremated ashes of your loved
one and then compresses the carbon into a diamond?"
"Yes," she said, smirking. "It brings a whole new meaning to the phrase
'family jewels'."

How is sex like a roll of toilet paper?
After you tear off the first piece the rest comes easy.

A man and his girlfriend are having a sexual encounter.
He asks her to "go downtown".
So, with a sigh, she gets on her knees in front of him and starts peering at
his genitals, looking and tipping her head this way and that, studying the
whole business.
After about five minutes of this, he asked her in a sort of peeved voice
"Well, just what are you doing?"
She replied,
"I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown with no money. Just looking."

While watching the movie 'The Sound Of Music' last night I was reminded of
that sad day when I learned that it's actually O.K. To go out on a date with
a nun, as long as you don't get in the habit.

The redneck farmer was disturbed when he found out his son was jerking off
several times a day out in the barn.
"Boy, you gotta quit that! Go out and git yo'self a wife."
So, the boy went out and found himself a pretty young girl, to whom he got
married.
But a week or so after the wedding, the farmer found his son choking the
chicken again.
"You crazy boy!" he yelled, "That Elli-Mae's a fine young gal!"
"I know Pa," the boy replied, "but her arm gits tired sometimes!"

If earth rotated 30 times faster,
Men would get their salary everyday, and women would bleed to death.

Me and a few guys who always get together on Fridays after work.
One Friday, Chad showed up particularly late, sat down at the bar, and
kicked back his entire first beer in one gulp.
Then he turned and said,
"Times they are getting tough. I mean, just today, my wife told me that
she's going to cut me back to only two times a week! I can't believe it."
At which point I put his hand on Chad's shoulder and said reassuringly,
"You think you've got it bad, she's cut me out all together."

I said,
"Shall we try a different position tonight?"
My wife said,
"That's a good idea. You stand by the ironing board while I sit on the
sofa."

Two old guys were chatting.
The first old guy says to the second old guy,
"My 85th birthday was yesterday and the wife gave me an SUV."
The second old guy responded,
"Wow! That's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a GREAT gift!"
The first old guy says,
"Yep! Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"