X PUNS OF THE DAY!

Gardening Hint:
For 'smart rose bushes' water them with beer.
It makes the bud wiser.

Jim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was carefully cleaning his golf shoes.
His wife was standing there watching him.
After along period of silence she finally speaks.
"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you
quit golfing. Maybe you should sell your golf clubs."
Jim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says,
"Darling, what's wrong?"
"There for a minute you sounded like my ex-wife."
"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't!"

"The value of my waterfront property would increase if the U.S. And Canadian
governments could agree to de-pollute the lake," said Tom with superior
knowledge.

"What do you do?" the pretty young thing asked the fellow on the stool next
to her at the local watering hole.
"I'm a carnival performer," he said. "I do amazing mental tricks."
"Really? Like what?" she asked.
"The most amazing one is, I can feel a woman's breasts, and tell the exact
day she was born."
"No way!"
"Yes, really."
"OK, try it on me," she said.
He reached over, put his hands up her shirt, and started poking, prodding,
caressing, and gently pinching.
He was clearly concentrating, but didn't say a word.
"Well?" she finally demanded after about two minutes. "When was I born?!"
"I've got it exactly," he said, with one final squeeze. "Yesterday."

The circus strongman had a brief affair with the contortionist,
But she broke it off.

There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what
the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be
replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.
There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

You say that this beverage is non-alcoholic.
But where is the proof?

The new husband had just sat down to the first dinner cooked by his new
bride.
He fished a piece of paper out of what was supposed to be a stew.
He unfolded the paper and read,
"Nobly, nobly Cape St. Vincent to the Northwest died away."
"What the heck is this?"
"Well," the young wife replied, "the recipe said that if the stew was too
thin, I should add some Browning."

I was going to buy some loose tea,
But
The price was too steep.