XXX ADULT PUNS!

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
And grabbed her ass
Now his two front teeth are missing.

"It was really something else, man!" said the cadet policeman to his
partner. "When I was off duty Saturday night, I went to this big party, see,
and pretty soon I noticed this fabulous little bird giving me the eye. Then
she asked me to take her home. And just as soon as we were in the car, she
unzipped me and went right down on the old fella - and I still didn't even
know her name."
"So what did you do?" asked the other cop.
"Well, I figured this was one situation where I'd shoot first and ask
questions afterward."

You must have a mirror in your pocket
Because
I can easily see myself in your pants.

Then there was the young female comic who was promised good roles in a hit
TV show.
All she had to do was divide her favours between the star and the producer.
It was just a sham though, she never got any air time at all.
You might even say she was shared skit less.

What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
S&M&M

A little boy goes up to his father and asks:
"Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"
The father replies:
"Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be
best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have
sex with the mailman for $500,000."
The boy goes and asks his mother:
"Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?"
The mother replies:
"Hell yes, I would!"
The little boy returns to his father:
"Dad, she said 'Hell yes, I would!'"
The father then says:
"Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal
for $500,000."
The boy asks his sister:
"Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?"
The sister replies:
"Hell yes, I would!"
He returns to his father:
"Dad, she said 'Hell yes, I would!'"
The father answers:
"Okay son, here's the deal: hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in
reality, we're just living with a couple of whores."

A sergeant and two men from his platoon went to a tavern near the base one
night.
The sergeant asked an attractive army nurse to join him in a game of pool.
The nurse said,
"I would rather play with your privates."

Young Pauly found a girlfriend, but neither one of them knew what to do
about sex .
They went to Maury for advice, and Maury told the young woman to undress and
get on the bed and he would show them what to do. The young woman undressed
as she was told by Maury and preceded to get on the bed.
Experienced Maury then began to show them the steps involved in making love,
in every possible position.
When he was finished, he said to Pauly,
"Now you can take her home and practice what I have shown you."
The young woman interrupted,
"Wait a minute Maury, show him again what to do. He is a little forgetful."

A gay masochist is
A sucker for punishment.