XXX ADULT PUNS!

Jack and Jill went up the hill,
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass and grabbed her ass,
And now two of his front teeth are missing.



A Jewish girl tells her Catholic college roommate that she's going home for
Rosh Hashanah.
The Catholic girl asks the Jewish girl,
"Is this the holiday when you light the candles?"
"No," the Jewish girl replies, "That's Chanukah."
The Catholic girl then asks the Jewish girl,
"Is that when you eat unleavened bread?"
"No," the Jewish girl replies,
"That's Passover. Rosh Hashanah is the holiday when we blow the shofar."
The Catholic girl replies,
"That's what I like about you Jews, you're so good to your help."




You can easily tell if a track star is gay.
He's always trying to lap the other runners!




Two housewives met in the local supermarket.
One had filled her shopping cart with Vaseline.
She explained,
"They are going to raise the price. So, I'm stocking up."
The other woman replied,
"I'd never go to such extremes to save money. I'm not that tight."




I'm not saying she's a slut,
But
She can count the people she's had sex with on one hand -- if that hand was
holding a calculator.




A middle aged guy, tired of mowing the lawn, finally breaks down and hires a
neighborhood kid named Bubba to do the job for him. One weekend, the husband
is in the bathroom shaving, when Bubba comes in after having mowed the lawn
and proceeds to pee in the toilet.
Curiosity got the better of the husband and he just had to look.
Bubba had the largest penis he had ever seen!
The man asked Bubba,
"I don't mean to be too personal, but how did your dick get that big? I
couldn't help but notice..."
Bubba laughed and said,
"It's simple, every night before I go to bed, I bang it on the bedpost three
times."
The husband was excited at the simplicity of this technique and could hardly
wait to try it himself.
Before he climbed into bed that night, he whipped it out and banged it on
the bedpost three times.
He was just climbing into bed with new found confidence when his wife sat
up, half-asleep and mumbled,
"Is that you, Bubba?"




The Mother Superior's out bicycle riding with about a dozen nuns, and the
nuns are giggling, and carrying on.
The Mother Superior says,
"Calm down, now, girls, or I'm gonna have to put the seats back on those
bikes."




At dinner, a little boy was forced to lead the family into prayer.
Little Boy:
"But I don't know how to pray.
Dad:
"Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbours, the poor, etc.
Little Boy:
"Dear Lord, thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all
my cookies and ice cream.
Bless them so they won't come again.
Forgive our neighbour's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled
with her on her bed.
This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on
my Daddy's Blackberry,
And
Provide shelter for the homeless men who use Mom's room when Daddy is at
work.
Amen."
For some reason, Mom and Dad did not have dinner that evening.



I once knew a man who had five penises.
He wasn't much to look at, but his underwear fit him like a glove.