PUNS OF THE DAY!

You find no true love
Doubling up in tennis
For everyone scores



I'm working on a book on relationships, it's going to be called
'Men are from Mars,
Women are from Venus,
Cougars are from Mercury, and because
Zombies look like crap maybe they're from Uranus'.



Texts on Twitter cannot be verbose,
So each message is just a small dose.
"The character limit,
One forty," said one wit,
"Is real good 'cause four more would be gross."


An attorney I know once drafted wills for an elderly husband and wife who
had been somewhat apprehensive about discussing death.
When they arrived to sign the documents, he ushered the couple into his
office.
"Now," he said to them, "which one of you wants to go first?"


When one fails to sew the seat of the pants together well,
The result is unseemly.


A Hindu devotee asked God, represented by the multi-armed Lord Narayana,
this question.
"My dear Lord," he said. "I understand that you have innumerable
inconceivable potencies. But out of all of them the energy of light seems to
be the most amazing. Light pervades the spiritual world, it illuminates the
material universes, and life is impossible without it."
He continued,
"I would like to know how you make it work."
"Oh, that's easy," was the reply. "Many hands make light work."


A Cajun restaurant made all their sauce on one day for the week.
The cook roux'ed the day.


Olivia came home crying one afternoon.
"Oh, Mom!" she sobbed as she walked in the front door.
"Dear, what's wrong?" her mother asked.
Her daughter tried to stammer out an answer but couldn't.
Her mother walked over and hugged her.
"Rick said we needed some space!" Olivia finally said, teary-eyed, a minute
later.
"That's terrible, sweetie! You two have been together so long," her mother
replied. "Did he say why?"
"I don't know why," Olivia said. "I just hung up as soon as I heard that."
"Let's go over there," Mom suggested. "I'll talk some sense into him!"
They drove over to their apartment.
Walking through the front door, they negotiated the hallways until they
found Rick.
"Hi, Mrs. Matthews," Rick said cheerily, then changed his tune when he saw
Olivia teary-eyed.
"What's wrong, Olivia?" he asked.
"My daughter has informed me you told her you and she needed some space,"
her mother said, eyebrows knotted into a brow and arms folded in front of
her.
"Of course we do!" Rick replied with a sweeping arm motion. "Look at this
place! It looks like an episode of 'Hoarders!' We seriously need to
organize!"


A young girl got a bad sunburn at the beach when she forgot to use a
sun-blocking lotion.
Her mother said.
"Let that be a less sun to you."


The preacher came to call the other day.
He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter.
I told him,
"Oh, I do it all the time. No matter where I am - in the bedroom, upstairs,
in the kitchen, or down in the basement - I ask myself, 'Now, what am I here
after?'"


There are only 10 types of people in the world,
Those who know binary
And
Those who don't.