XX ADULT PUNS!

There was a young man named Ringer,
Who was seducing a beautiful singer.
He said with a grin,
"I've now rammed it in!"
She said, "You mean that isn't your finger?"

A group of cowboys were out on the range branding some cattle.
While they were away the new cook saw a sheep tied to a post.
Thinking it was for that night's dinner he slaughtered the sheep, and cooked
it.
That night after dinner the cowboys were all sulking and ignoring the cook.
He pulled one aside and asked,
"Did I screw up the cooking"
"No", the cowboy replied, "You cooked up the screwing."

At the Senior Citizens Centre they had a contest the other day.
I lost by one point:
The question was:
Where do women mostly have curly hair?
Apparently the correct answer was Africa!
Who knew?

Nigel goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says,
"Nigel, I am not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS."
Nigel is devastated.
"Doc, what can I do?"
The doctor says,
"I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage,
20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts
and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of
prune juice."
Nigel asks,
"Will that cure me, Doc?"
"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is
for."

I'm not saying she's easy
But
she's been boarded more times than Amtrak.

A guy sees his best friend on the street.
The friend is wearing a flamboyant outfit, Lime colored trousers, a puff
sleeved, lavender shirt, a puce ascot, etc.
So, he asks his friend,
"What in the world is wrong with you?"
"Oh, my wife," the friend replies.
"Your wife?" queries the first guy.
"Yea. I saw an ad in the paper for Cox's Men's Store. They were having a
great sale on seersucker suits. So, I told her, go to Cox's and buy me one
of those seersucker suits. So what does she do? She goes to Sears.

"When I realized that I couldn't satisfy my wife's insatiable sex appetite,"
the man said to his drinking buddy, "I bought her quite an assortment of
every sex toy made, thinking that would keep her faithful."
"Did it work?" asked the friend.
"Well, kinda." the man replied. "But now, every time I do feel like a
little, I find myself 2nd or 3rd in line."

Good:
You came home for a quickie.
Bad:
Your wife walks in.
Worse;
You're with her mother

A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars.
The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient.
So, recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy.
"When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick
it completely up your asshole. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back
with all the others in such a fasion as you can't tell which one it is. The
aversion is obvious: you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is
the treated cigar."
"Thanks doc, I'll try it."
And he did.
But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again.
"What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even
in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!"
"Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my
addiction," said the patient.
"What in the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night
unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass!"

Making Love:
Something a woman does while a guy is screwing her.