XX ADULT PUNS!

Your job this week hasn't borne fruit?
Use this modern technique to earn loot:
Pick a rich guy who's famous,
Allege something heinous,
And file a ten-million-buck suit.

A 13 year old was watching a movie one cable TV.
A man ripped off a woman's blouse and said,
"I want what I want when I want it!"
The boy, turned on by the scene and the love-making which followed, finished
watching the movie, and decided to try what he had just witnessed on the
girl next door, a classmate. He went over to her house, found that her
parents weren't home from work yet, ripped off her blouse; and then said,
"I want what I want when I want it!"
The girl stared at him and cooly replied
"You'll get what I got when I get it!"

The Airport screening rule is they can only touch your breasts and groin
area over clothes.
Same rule my high school prom date had.

There was a large revival meeting on the outskirts of town, and at the
appropriate corner there was a large sign proclaiming the following:
"If you are weary of sin and want to be saved, turn here, go 100 yards, and
come into the revival tent."
Below the sign someone had hung another smaller one, which read:
"If NOT weary, call Sherry 555-3550."

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers,
So, I did.
She's 25, and her name's Kathy .

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the
internal security system got underway immediately.
The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash
and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered
throughout the bank.
The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only
a bowl of vanilla pudding.
As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said,
"At least we'll have a bit to eat."
The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but
vanilla pudding.
The process continued until all the safes were opened.
They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold.
Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more
than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read:
IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING.

I'm not saying she's easy
But
Her diaphragms come with a service contract.

The stunning blonde had gone to her student advisor for some course
problems, but seemed to be paying only half attention to his replies.
"Are you feeling OK?" he asked.
"Well, to be honest, I have this compulsion to have sex with every man I
meet," she admitted. "Is there a name for my condition?"
"Why yes, there is," he said, as he picked her up and began carrying her to
the couch.
"It's called 'Good News'."

A man calls 911 and says
"I think my wife is dead".
The operator says,
"How do you know?"
The man says
"The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

A guy wakes up in the morning.
He has a massive hangover and can't remember anything he did last night.
He picks up his dressing gown from the floor and puts it on.
He notices there's something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a
bra.
He thinks to himself,
"Uh oh. What happened last night?"
He walks towards the bathroom and finds a panty in the other pocket of his
gown.
Again he thinks,
"What happened last night. What have I done? It must have been a wild
party," making his best attempt to conclude and accept the evidence.
He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror.
He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only thought is,
"If there's a God, please let this be a tea bag."

Good:
You go to see a strip show.
Bad:
Your wife is a dancer
Worst:
Your daughter's the headliner.