XXX ADULT PUNS!

Sign on the dormitory wall in a convent:
'Lights Out By 10:00
Candles Out By 11:00'

I was shopping at our local supermarket.
When I got to the checkout line, there was a beautiful young blonde ahead of
me, firmly embracing a beautiful brunette, and they were sharing a rather
passionate French kiss.
As she placed her groceries on the checkout stand, the bagger asked the
blonde,
"Paper or plastic?"
"It doesn't matter," she replied, "I'm bisacksual."

When you make music using a pair of metallic dildos,
You are using phallic cymbals.

A man from Bangladesh named Abdul was bragging that in his country there are
79 different ways to make mad passionate love.
A gent from Florida listened incredulously.
"Why that's amazing. Where I come from there's only one way."
"Just one?" Abdul asked. "And which way is that?"
"Well," the Floridian began, "the man gets on top of the woman,"
"Praise Allah!!" exclaimed Abdul, "Number 80!"

"Did you know that Linda has become a vegetarian?"
"Really? Wow!"
"Yep, and she's become a lesbian, as well. I guess she doesn't want 'meat'
of any kind!"

The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife
with a newborn baby.
Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.
"Was it my friend Sam," he demanded.
"No!" his weeping wife replied.
"Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked.
"No!" she said even more upset.
"Well, which of my no good friends did this then?!" he asked.
"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped.

The amorous dove often got pigeonholed.

I was having a drink at a local restaurant when I spotted an attractive
woman sitting at the bar.
After an hour of gathering my courage, I approached her and asked,
"Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responded by yelling at the top of her lungs,
"No, I won't come over to your place tonight!"
With everyone in the restaurant staring, I crept away, puzzled and
humiliated.
A few minutes later, the woman walked over to me and apologized.
"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you," she said, "but I'm a graduate student in
psychology and I'm studying human reaction to embarrassing situations."
At the top of my lungs I responded,
"What do you mean, two hundred dollars?"

You know the barman hates you when
You find a string in your Bloody Mary.


Messing around with a girl in a canoe, and Bud-Light are alike.
Both are both fuckin' close to water.