XX ADULT PUNS!

Two guys were discussing the new secretary at their office.
John to George:
"Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She's a lot better
in bed than my wife!"
[Two days later] George to John:
"Well, I dated her too and we had sex as well, but I think your wife's a way
better lay."

I'm sorry you're circumcised.
We can't hire you.
Management wants only complete pricks.

During Sir Thomas Beecham's half-century career as conductor of some of the
great orchestras of the world, he developed a reputation as a man with a
caustic wit and an acerbic tongue.
At a rehearsal of the London Philharmonic one day, Beecham became
increasingly frustrated by the sub par performance of the orchestra's female
cellist.
Finally, in exasperation, he said:
"Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure
to thousands. And all you can do is scratch it!"

Impotent Loser:
A guy who can't even get his hopes up.

Sally was the easiest date in town.
She would sleep with any guy who smiled at her, bought her a drink or a
burger or simply asked.
When her reputation was in tatters and her family shunned her she tried to
change her ways, but like Ado Annie in 'Oklahoma' she was simply a girl who
couldn't say no.
She finally decided to seek help and went into therapy.
After many sessions her therapist greeted her with a long face and said,
"I'm afraid I cant help you because you are afflicted with raging whore
mones."

Doctors say erectile dysfunction could be a sign of impending heart
problems.
Or maybe that your girlfriend is just ugly.

The rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for an apparent
heart attack the gentleman had.
When the squad got there is was too late and the man had died.
While consoling the wife one of the rescuers noticed that the bed was a
mess.
He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered and if anything had
precipitated the heart attack.
The lady replied,
"Well, we were in the bed making love and he started moaning, groaning,
thrashing about the bed, panting, and sweating. I thought he was coming, but
I guess he was going."

Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to sleep
on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might happen pretty
easily, for he has been desperate for sex for quite a while now.
Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him and sees the poor guy
curled up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled with
hopeless desire.
Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of the cabinet,
takes out a fifty dollar bill, and gives it to him.
She says,
"Honey you're so depressed. Here, take this and go to the woman next door,
and she will let you sleep with her tonight. But remember that this happens
only once. OK? Don't think about it or ask me to do this again."
The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may change her
mind, he grabs the money and leaves quickly.
A few minutes later, he returns, hands the bill back to the wife and says
with much disappointment,
"She said this is not enough, she wants sixty dollars."
The wife's face slowly turns red with anger.
"Damn that bitch! When she was pregnant, I only charged her husband fifty!"

A gay gentleman from the Deep South is a
Homo-sex-y'all.