Great Tips

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment
Always circle the stain in permanent pen
So that when you remove the garment from the washing machine
You can easily locate the area of the stain
And
Check that it has gone.

High blood pressure sufferers.
Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while,
Thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Olympic athletes.
Conceal the fact that you have taken performance enhancing drugs
By simply running a little slower
And
Letting someone else win.

Heavy smokers.
Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes.
Save them up and within a few years
You'll have enough to insulate your loft.

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet
And
Dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.

X File fans.
Create the effect of being abducted be aliens
By drinking two bottles of vodka.
You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning,
Having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap
And
Effective substitute for costly maps
When visiting the Sahara desert.

Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device
By ruffling your hair,
Wearing a white laboratory coats
And
Parking a JCB digger outside your house for a few days.
Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night
And
Replace the JCB unseen,
With a Tonka toy of the same description.
Watch their faces in the morning!

Nissan Micra drivers.
Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long
journey.
You drive the things like dodgem cars anyway,
So it may as well look like one.

Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave.
If the chocolate melts
You will know that the microwaves are escaping
And
It is time to have he oven serviced.

A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock
Will prevent you from rolling over
And
Going back to sleep.