GROUCHO MARX HAD SOME OF THE BEST LINES...

Who are you going to believe,
Me or your own eyes?

Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.

Room service?
Send up a larger room.

Those are my principles.
If you don't like them I have others.

He may look like an idiot
&
Talk like an idiot
But
Don't let that fool you.
He really is an idiot.

I never forget a face,
But
In your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

A child of five could understand this.
Fetch me a child of five.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down,
I was convulsed with laughter.
Someday I intend reading it.

You know I could rent you out
As a decoy for duck hunters?

You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy,
&
I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Why should I care about posterity?
What's posterity ever done for me?

Why,
I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Military justice is to justice
What military music is to music.
Military intelligence is
A contradiction in terms.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas.
How he got into my pajamas,
I'll never know.

There is no sweeter sound than
The crumbling of your fellow man.

I must say that I find television very educational.
The minute somebody turns it on,
I go to the library and read a book.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening,
But this wasn't it.

If I held you any closer
I would be on the other side of you.

I must confess,
I was born at a very early age.

I don't care to belong to a club that
Accepts people like me as members.

I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.

Either he's dead
Or
My watch has stopped.

Remember men,
We're fighting for this woman's honour;
Which is probably more than she ever did.

Women should be obscene
And
Not heard.

Why was I with her?
She reminds me of you.
In fact, she reminds me more of
You than you do!

Behind every successful man is
A woman,
Behind her is his wife.

As soon as I get through with you,
You'll have a clear case for divorce
And
So will my wife.

Well,
Art is art, isn't it?
Still,
On the other hand,
Water is water!
&
East is east
&
West is west
&
If you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce
They taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does.
Now, uh...
Now you tell me what you know.

Marry me
&
I'll never look at another horse!

I married your mother
Because
I wanted children,
Imagine my disappointment,
When you came along.

Whatever it is
I'm against it.

A woman is an occasional pleasure
But
A cigar is always a smoke.

Outside of a dog,
A book is man's best friend.
Inside of a dog,
it's too dark to read.

Quote me as saying
I was mis-quoted.