XX Adult Puns!

A blonde I know became a civil engineer because she likes dykes.

One beautiful day, a little girl is walking along a beach in
California, when she sees a man wearing a newspaper for a pair of
pants.
So, she walks up to him and says:
"What's under the newspaper mister?"
Without thinking about it he says:
"My Birdie."
Delighted the little girl says:
"Can I play with your birdie?"
Disturbed the man shouts:
"NO!"
So, the girl walks away.
Five minutes later the man falls asleep.
When he woke up, he was in the hospital.
When the doctors saw that he was awake they asked him what happened
and he said: "I can't remember much but I know that there was a little
girl there."
So, the doctors find the little girl and ask her what happened and she says:
"Well he wouldn't let me play with his birdie.
So, I waited until he was asleep and went over.
But then the birdie spit on me.
So, I broke it's neck crushed it's eggs and burned it's nest!"

At a high school in Canton Ohio, 13% of the girls are pregnant.
If a guy there can't get a date to that prom, he really is a loser.

Disney released the 1942 movie 'Bambi' on Blu-ray on March 1st.
They are planning a new film for release this summer.
An animated feature about another cute, funny woodland creature, this
time with a flat tail and bangs.
It's called 'Justin Beaver'.

She was only the Admiral's daughter,
But her naval base was always full of seamen.

A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately
notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter.
The first guy says,
"Wow, that's a huge lighter. Where did you get it?"
The guy replies,
"A genie from this bottle granted me one wish."
"Great, can I try it?"
"Sure."
The first guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears.
"You are granted one wish" says the genie.
The guy says,
"I want a million bucks!"
"Done" says the genie and disappears.
A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and pouring
in come ducks.
Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through
the bar door.
"I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish,
"I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
The second guy then says,
"Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch Bic?"

My wife was upset when she found out, after all these years of me
telling her otherwise, that the song is not titled 'O Cum All Ye
Faceful'.

Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not
to fly south for the winter.
However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started
to fly south.
In a short time, ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth
in a barnyard, almost frozen.
A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow.
The sparrow thought it was the end.
But, the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings.
Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing.
Just then a large cat came by and, hearing the chirping, investigated
the sounds.
The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.
The moral of the story:
1. Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2. Everyone who gets you out of the crap is not necessarily your friend.
3. And, if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, keep your mouth shut.

Snow White was kicked out of Disney Land because she kept sitting on
Pinocchio's face and saying,
"Lie you bastard, lie!"

Bill emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when
his wife complained, as usual,
"I have a headache."
"Perfect" Bill said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis
with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository. It's up to
you!"

Sex is hereditary.
If your parents never had it,
Chances are you won't either.