XX - Adult Puns!

An impractical cure for the mumps;
Mix your Ex-Lax with six sugar lumps,
Scarf down a whole goose
Which will turn your bowels loose
Very soon you'll feel down in the dumps

They're making a new XXX movie.
It's about an anorexic Irish prostitute who hops from bed to bed.
Her name's Tramp O'Lean.

There was a little boy who was learning how to count.
He had mastered the halfway point to a hundred, but was having some
problems afterward.
One day, he was counting, and he got to 58... 59, and asked what came next.
Mom told him,
"Sixty. Sixty is the next number."
When he got to 69, he asked,
"What comes after 69?"
His father was just walking in the door from work, heard only the
question, and he replied,
"Listerine!"

There was this cat who loved to get drunk.
So, he went to the bar downtown on the other side of the tracks.
He stayed all night long and got so wasted he could barely stand up,
much less walk. The cat started to stumble on home.
As the cat came to the train tracks he didn't notice a train as it was
coming his way.
The cat started to cross the track an d the train was right on him.
Just as he crossed, the train went by.
But the cat was not all the way over and the train ran over the tip of
his tail, the cat turned his head to see what was happening and the
train cut his head clean off.
And The Moral of the Story:
Don't lose your head over a little piece of tail!

Define "TRUST":
Two cannibals having oral sex.

A man had been waiting entirely too long at the doctor's office.
His appointment was for 9:00 and here it was nearly 10:30!
Finally, an attractive nurse appeared at the waiting room door, called
out his name, and said to him,
"Let's go get a room."
"Honey, I appreciate the offer," he said, "but after waiting all this
time, I'd hate to lose my spot now!"

The difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised is;
When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!

The recently married young woman was weeping and pouring out her heart
and troubles to the church's appointed marriage counselor.
"Isn't there some way, without turning into a nag, that I can keep my
husband in line?" The counselor scowled.
"Well young lady," he said, "maybe that's the problem, your husband
shouldn't have to wait in line!"

When one of the girls of the Establishment died, the funeral was a
beautiful affair. Hundreds of friends and clients showed up for the
solemn procession.
Car on car of brightly coloured flowers followed the slow moving
hearse, and when they finally arrived at the cemetery, the Madam took
her place at the side of the yawning grave and began to weep
copiously.
Two of the girls, standing nearby, heard the Madam muttering through
her sobs - a quiet, reflective, eulogy:
"That was a wonderful girl.
She brought in more business than any girl I ever had.
She was the best prostitute I ever knew."
One of the girls turned to her companion.
"See?" she mused, "You have to die before they say something nice about you!"

Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm.
It was a disaster!
Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!