XX - Adult Puns!

Martinis, my girl, are deceiving:
Take two at the very most.
Take three and you're under the table.
Take four and you're under the host.

The gay burglar couldn't blow the safe,
So, he went down on the elevator.

Rabbi Levy is addressing the 'Enlighten Your Daughter' meeting of the
synagogue women's guild.
"Ladies," he says, "I'm sure some of you know by now that the
unfortunate Jonathan Bloom has been sent to prison for making love to
his wife Sadie's dead body."
A number of 'Oy Vays' are heard from the ladies present.
"You might also be interested to k now," the Rabbi goes on to say,
"that I spoke to Jonathan yesterday and I now firmly believe that his
actions were entirely innocent and accidental. So although we are all
feeling sorry for Jonathan, there is a lesson to be learned. Ladies,
go back home to your daughters and tell them that when making love
with a good Jewish husband, they should please make a little wiggle."

We were poor.
If I wasn't a boy, I wouldn't have had nothing to play with.

This hillbilly kid goes into a drugstore and asks the druggist for a
box of condoms.
The druggist says,
"How old are you, son?"
The kid replies,
"Eleven."
"I can't sell you any condoms," the druggist says. "You're too young."
The kid says,
"Gimme some rubbers or I'll call a cop."
"All right, cool it," the druggists says to the kid. "What kind of
condoms do you want?" The kid tells him,
"Gimme the French ticklers."
The druggist says, "Listen, kid. Do you know what one of those things
will do to a woman?"
"No," the kid replies, "but I hear they make a sheep jump pretty high!"

She was only the Chimney sweeps daughter,
But she could haul ash.

"Why did your boss jump out of the window?" the detective asked the secretary.
"I don't know", she sobbed, "he was always so nice to me. Two months
ago he gave me a fur coat, last month a sports car and just today a
diamond ring. Then he asked, what it would cost to be able to ravish
me."
"And what did you say?" I just said, "The other men in the office
always just give me fifty bucks."

Height of Bravery:
A naked man bending over to pick up a quarter on an island of gays.

The lanky Texas ranch hand was still a virgin at twenty-one, so, on
his first trip to the big city, he decided to visit a brothel and find
out what he'd been missing.
Upon securing the address of a rather exclusive establishment, he soon
found himself lying in bed with an attractive partner.
Sensing the lad was somewhat inexperienced, the professional gently
took his hand and placed it on the source of her income.
"Is this what you're looking for?" she whispered seductively.
"Well, I don't rightly know, ma'am," the cowboy murmured shyly. "I'm a
stranger to these parts."

The best secretary in the world to have is the one that never misses a period.

Margaret decided she wanted to become a nurse.
Her first day at the hospital she was given several patients to bathe
and change their beds.
Her instructor arrived in the room just in time to hear the male
patient give a howl of pain.
The teacher took Margaret to one side and said.
"When we make the beds, we gently turn the patient to one side and
push the sheets up against his back. We then roll him over on the
other side and pull the sheets firm. We do NOT pick him up by his
penis and shove the sheets under him."