XX - Adult Puns!

Married sex is like ordering a Civil War chess set from the Franklin Mint.
Every four to six weeks you get a piece.

Jack gets thrown out of the pub at closing time and staggers down the
road in the general direction of home.
Knowing that he's not going to make it he goes into the woods to throw-up.
He leans against a tree and brings up the last four hours of alcohol
and then stands upright.
Looking down blearily he notices an old lamp sticking out of the dirt.
"Hey, some fool ha' thrown away a good lamp here," says Jack and he picks it up.
He examines the lamp and brushes off some of the dirt and grit.
There's a flash of light, plumes of smoke and a genie pops out of the lamp.
"Master," the genie booms. "You have freed me from imprisonment in the
lamp. I shall grant you three wishes!"
Jack looks up at the genie and says,
"Well, Fuck me!"
History does not relate what his next two wishes were.

The gay man took two aspirin with his Viagra.
So, sex wouldn't be such a pain in the ass.

A woman was walking down the street when she was stopped by a man who
was carrying out a survey.
"Excuse me, madam, we're doing a survey on peoples' attitudes towards sex."
"Really!" said the woman smiling.
"Could you please tell me what you think of sex on the television?"
"Well," replied the woman, "I think it's extremely uncomfortable,
especially when you've got a vase stuck up your ass!"

A nurse is a pan handler.

I once took a sex education class in college and a funny thing happened one day.
The professor arrived and said we'd be discussing positions that day
and asked us how many positions did we know.
I sat there too embarrassed to speak but one gal a couple of seats over said,
"Twelve."
The professor nodded approval but as he got ready to call on another
hand there was a loud call from the far back row of the 150 seat
auditorium,
"A hundred and one."
The little professor looked over his thick glasses but couldn't make
out who had spoken. Finally, he called on a very shy lady sitting next
to me.
At first she acted like she wasn't going to answer.
Finally, she said,
"Only one sir."
And the professor said,
"Well young lady that is unusual. And what position would that be?"
"With the man on top and woman on the bottom," she replied.
And from the back of the room came that same voice,
"A hundred and two!"

Roofers do it on top.

It's about 10 PM on a Wednesday night, and a guy sitting at a bar is
about ready to go home.
Before he gets a chance to walk out, the bartender says to him,
"Hey buddy, why're ya goin' home so soon? I usually see you here until
past midnight. Something wrong?"
The guy responds,
"No aint nothin' wrong, just gotta sore ass from sittin' on this stool
for so long."
"Buddy, I got just the thing for ya." says the bartender as he's
reaching up to the top shelf behind the bar.
He pulls a bottle of pills, opens the bottle and hands the guy two pills.
The guy says,
"What're these, aspirin?"
"No," says the bartender, "stool softener."

Did you hear about the guy who went to visit the Home for the
Profoundly Retarded and met a young female patient there who had
practically nothing on?
When he went back to revisit nine months later she had a little moron.