XX - Adult Puns!

Charlie phoned Shirley to invite her out for a lamb dinner.
"What do you mean, a lamb dinner?" asked Shin somewhat puzzled.
"Three cocktails and a piece of ewe," smirked good old Charlie.

She was only the Statistician's daughter,
But she knew all the standard deviations.

Young Harry brought a porn film home for himself and his long time
girlfriend to watch because she told him that they needed to spice up
their sex life.
Harry told her it was a homemade movie involving a local girl and two guys,
Harry started to put the film into the DVD player when she all at once
stopped him. Harry's girl told him to sit down as she had something
important to tell.
Harry couldn't believe It.
He was amazed to find out that she had a twin sister all these years
and had never mentioned it before.
At least that is what she told Harry.

The meaning of lots of phrases depend on your location.
A "Safe Cracker" in New York is a person who opens a victim's safe
without knowing the combination.
In Georgia it's an AIDS-free girl on the pill.

Bambi the blonde celebrated her 40th birthday with a makeover.
She had a tummy tuck, butt implants, botox, collagen...
The works.
Ten weeks and thousands of dollars later, she was a new woman -- literally.
Her personal physician then performed her annual physical, noted the
new "body work."
When the exam was finished, he called her in.
"Bambi, your overall health is good, but I want to discuss a problem
that often affects women your age: osteoporosis."
Bambi looked puzzled.
"Osteo--what?"
"Bone loss.  Many women start to experience it in their 40s."
Bambi giggled, blushed and said,
"Oh, really, Doc.  You've seen me naked.  Trust me, with this body and
this face, I get new bones quite often!"

Sheri and Rosey were were talking about the new hottie in the neighbourhood.
But he acts so stupid said Sheri.
"I think he must have his brains between his legs."
"Yeah, sighed Rosey, but I'd sure love to blow his mind."

This college girl comes back to the dorm after spending all day hiking
in the wilderness with her boyfriend.
After her shower she's toweling off when her roommate notices her ass
all bruised up black and blue.
"Good heavens! What happened to you? You're all bruised up."
She replied,
"Well, you know how it goes, just got caught between a rock and a hard-on."

A slutty girl is flirting with 2 guys in a chat room.
The first guy asks,
"What state are you from?"
While at the same time the second guy asks,
"What do you do for a living?"
To satisfy them both,
She replies,
"Idaho."

"That jerk of a husband of mine wanted me to bang the landlord because
he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife told a neighbour.
"You didn't do it, did you?"
"Yes, I did, but I also didn't tell him that now the rent is paid up
for six months. When he gives me the money to pay the rent, I go
shopping."

When you mix Viagra and whiskey,
You get a stiff drink.

I had an uncle whom I'm named after that used to go into bars,
directly and bluntly ask women,
"Wanna $&@?"
He said only nine out of ten said no,
A few of those would slap or hit him.
But that one out of ten was worth it.

They made a movie about my wife's sex life ---
"The Night of the Living Dead"