Thursday, March 31, 2011

Definition of Whisky

Great words of wisdom!!!

Just in case there was any doubt about the definition of Whisky

In 1952, Noah S. "Soggy" Sweat, Jr., a member of the Mississippi House
of Representatives, was asked about his position on whiskey.

Here's how he answered:

If you mean whiskey, the devil's brew, the poison scourge, the bloody
monster that defiles innocence, dethrones reason, destroys the home,
creates misery and poverty, yea, literally takes the bread from the
mouths of little children;

If you mean that evil drink that topples Christian men and women from
the pinnacles of righteous and gracious living into the bottomless pit
of degradation, shame, despair, helplessness, and hopelessness, then,
my friend, I am opposed to it with every fiber of my being.

However, if by whiskey you mean the oil of conversation, the
philosophic wine, the elixir of life, the ale that is consumed when
good fellows get together, that puts a song in their hearts and the
warm glow of contentment in their eyes;

If you mean Christmas cheer, the stimulating sip that puts a little
spring in the step of an elderly gentleman on a frosty morning;

If you mean that drink that enables man to magnify his joy, and to
forget life's great tragedies and heartbreaks and sorrow;

If you mean that drink the sale of which pours into our treasuries
untold millions of dollars each year, that provides tender care for
our little crippled children, our blind, our deaf, our dumb, our
pitifully aged and infirm, to build the finest highways, hospitals,
universities, and community colleges in this nation, then my friend, I
am absolutely, unequivocally in favour of it.

This is my position, and as always, I refuse to compromise on matters
of principle.

Read More...

Who's Clubbin'

Captain Workout:
This guy spends all week in the gym and wears his shirt so tight you
can see his heart beating.
Seen strutting around the club like Mr. Universe.

Shameeka Spandex:
You know her: 350 pounds squeezed into a size 6 red and yellow Spandex outfit.

Johnny Onedrink:
Takes three hours to finish one drink, then carries around a glass of
water and ice with a straw like it's vodka.
He has $3.50 in his pocket and a token.

The O.G.'s:
The Old Guys.
They just can't get over the fact that they're too OLD to be clubbing.
Their clubbing days are so far behind them, their *kids* can legally
buy alcohol.
They try to be hip with the younger crowd by using slang like, "That's fresh!"

The Ooohhh! Girl:
She's the girl who only does the swaying two step dance, until her
song comes on and she *shrieks* to her girlfriends, "Oooooh, that's my
song!"
From here on, she's shaking what her mama gave her.
She dances with whatever is in front of her:
Guy, Girl, bar, wall, speakers, etc.

Waste Of Time Willie:
This is the guy that dresses up, drives to the club, pays cover charge
to get in, then stands against the wall sipping on a Pepsi all night.

Billboard Billy:
Looks like he just stepped out of a rap video,
He needs to let everyone in the club know what brand of designer
clothing he's wearing, right down to his socks, because he must have
that one pant leg up.
It's pitch black in the club, and he's wearing $300 Versace Shades.
He's the one making a call on his cell phone ON the dance floor, with
a bottle of MOET, label facing out, in his other hand.

Takeenna & LaQuita:
The female equivalent of Siskel & Ebert, but they don't review movies.
They check everyone out from head to toe.
Also known for staring people down for long periods of time.

The First and Fifteenth Posse:
Those who only appear around the first and fifteenth of the month.

Touchy-Feely Tyrone:
He's the guy that loves to walk all over the club when it's crowded,
squeezing through girls and getting his free feels.

Robin Leech:
Not the TV host.
She has no money, but somehow gets some sucker to buy her drinks all
night, usually Billboard Billy.

Lockdown Lewis:
He has been in and out of jail so many times he has no clue as to what
is in or out of style.
He often shows up in a silk polka dot shirt and leather jacket.

Sheila Strobelight:
She looked good in the club, but outside ...
Damn!
And you bought her a drink, too!

Read More...

EQUAL BUT NOT THE SAME...

"Equal" is not always synonymous with "the same."
Men and women are created equal.
But, boys and girls are not born the same.

1. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best,
And she'll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later.
You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best,
And he'll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church,
Even if you're driving there.

2. Boys' rooms are usually messy.
Girls' rooms are usually messy,
Except it's a good smelling mess.

3. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what
nature has made.
A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.

4. Baby girls find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start
painting their face. Baby boys find mommy's makeup and almost
instinctively start painting the walls.

5. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age.
At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.

6. Most baby girls talk before boys do.
Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises.

7. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie.
Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they've watched "Teenage
Mutant Ninja Turtles" movie three times in a row.

8. Girls turn into women.
Boys turn into bigger boys!

Read More...

TOP 10 REASONS WHY CYBER SEX IS BETTER

10.
If the date goes bad, changing your Screen Name is easier then
changing your real name.

9.
Bathing, dressing, supplying atmosphere is optional.

8.
If you get drunk and blackout,
You only wake up next to a keyboard.

7.
You can exercise your offensive habits without embarrassing yourself.

6.
Viagra!
Who needs Viagra?

5.
Your partner could have more of a personality than your inflatable friends.

4.
Three words:
No shotgun weddings.

3.
All guys look like George Clooney
&
All women like Pamela Anderson.

2.
They never have to know you live in your parents basement.

1.
If you catch a virus,
Only your computer dies.

Read More...

WHO SAYS WE ARE OLD

*Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed
the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. * *One day
Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had
a cold or something but after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam
really got worried.**
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam
didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what
had happened to him.
A month passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day,
Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --* * * *there sat Bill! Sam
was excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said,*
*'For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?'**
Bill replied, 'I've** **been** **in jail.'**
Cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'
'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blond waitress at the
coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, 'What about her?'
'Well, she filed rape charges against me. At 87 years old, I was so proud
that in court* *, I pleaded 'guilty'....*
*Sam asked ' * *So* *t**he judge gave you only 1 month for rape?!'*
*Bill replied 'No, the damned fellow gave me 30 days for telling lies.'
!!!!!.. ..*

Read More...

TOP 10 SIGNS THAT YOUR SON HAS GROWN TOO OLD FOR BREAST FEEDING

10.
He can open your blouse by himself.

9.
While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.

8.
He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.

7.
He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.

6.
He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.

5.
Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.

4.
After each feeding, he has a smoke.

3.
He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.

2.
You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to Dueling Banjos.

1.
Beard abrasions on areola.

Read More...

ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES

1.
A is for academics, B is for beer.
One of those reasons
Is why we're not here.
So, leave a message.


2.
Hi!
This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.


3.
Hi!
Now you say something.


4.
Hi!
I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is.
So, you can talk to it instead.
Wait for the beep.


5.
Hi!
John's answering machine is broken.
This is his refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly,
&
I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.


6.
Hello!
You are talking to a machine.
I am capable of receiving messages.
My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean.
They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken.
If you're still with me,
Leave your name and number and they will get back to you.


7.
This is not an answering machine-this is a telepathic thought-recording device.
After the tone,
Think about your name, your number and your reason for calling,
&
I'll think about returning your call.


8.
Hi!
I'm probably home,
I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.


9.
H!,
This is George.
I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.
Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.


10.
If you are a burglar,
Then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't
come to the phone.
Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.


11.
Please leave a message.
However, you have the right to remain silent.
Everything you say can and will be recorded and will be used by us.

Read More...

The Aliens Have Landed!

Two aliens landed on the  Salisbury plain  near a petrol station that
was closed for the night. They approached one of the petrol pumps  and
the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come
in peace. Take us to your leader."

The petrol pump, of course, didn't respond.

Annoyed at  the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said
gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace.  Take us to your
leader or I will fire!"

The older alien warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to
do that! I really think that will make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon  and
opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared
towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a
burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He
nearly killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy
friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my
intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his
penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'

Read More...

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

ALERTS TO TERROR THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE BY JOHN CLEESE

  The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats and have therefore raised their security level from
"Miffed" to "Peeved."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to
"Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."
The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when
tea supplies nearly ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from
"Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance."
The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was
in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from
"Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards."
They don't have any other levels.
This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the
British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its
terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide."
The only two higher levels in France are
"Collaborate" and "Surrender."
The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's
white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military
capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from
"Shout Loudly and Excitedly"
To
"Elaborate Military Posturing.."
Two more levels remain:
"Ineffective Combat Operations"
And
"Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from
"Disdainful Arrogance"
To
"Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs."
They also have two higher levels:
"Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual;
The only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish
navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from
"No worries"
To
"She'll be all right, Mate."
Two more escalation levels remain:
"Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend!"
And
"The Barbie is canceled."
So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

-- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person

Read More...

XX - Adult Puns!

Before I started downing my gingko biloba with Phillips Milk of
Magnesia, I couldn't remember shit.

I went to the doctor's the other day and found out my new doctor is a
young female, drop-dead gorgeous!
I was embarrassed, but she said,
"Don't worry, I'm a professional. I've seen it all before. Just tell
me what's wrong and I'll check it out."
I said,
"I think my dick tastes funny."

The evangelist was haranguing the crowd and carrying on and on about sin,
"The wages of sin are high." he bellowed.
A young man sitting in the back yelled out,
"Not if you can find somebody who'll do it for free."

She was only the Road Worker's daughter,
But she knew how to get her asphalt.

A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found
it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and
that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short term
relationships.
"Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment from the
outside?" she asked earnestly.
"The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet." counseled the therapist.
So, the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets, until
she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment line with
the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on.
She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him
back to her apartment for an evening of abandon.
When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone but,
by the bedside table was a $50 bill and a note that read,
"With my compliments, take this money and go out and buy a pair of
shoes that fit you."

Never place a romantic interest above an intelligent friend --
Unless, the three of you are comfortable in that position.

I met a beautiful young woman at a nightclub.
We were getting on very well when she said she had something to show me.
She removed her wig and she was totally bald.
''It's alopecia,'' she said ''but if you still like me you can ask me
anything''.
I have always wanted to know, so I asked her straight.
''Does your condition make you bald in other places?'' I asked.
She whispered in my ear
''There's only one way to find out.''
What an idiot I am.
Forgetting about Google at a time like this.

Foot fetish:
What a woman has when she's never satisfied with anything less than
twelve inches.

The woman then instructs him to put a Matzo tattoo with " Happy
Pesach" up on her left thigh.
So, the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too.
As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks
"If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual
tattoos on your thighs?"
She says,
"I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that
there's nothing good to eat between Purim and Pesach!"

You know that look women get when they want sex?
Me neither.

Read More...

Blessed are the cracked

TWENTY FIVE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE !!!!

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences...
    He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3... Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4... I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5... Don't take life too seriously;   No one gets out alive.

6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10.... Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18... I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
19.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
20..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
21.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.


22.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment
for a pig.
23.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

24.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
25.. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
Life is too short -- and friends are too few!

Read More...

X HAVE A GOOD LAUGH!

1. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
2. A wife is a sex object.
Every time you ask for sex,
She objects.

3. Impotence :
Nature's way of saying;
'No hard feelings... "

4. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men –
Don't and stop, unless they are used together.

5. Panties:
Not the best thing on earth,
But next to the best thing on earth

6. There are three stages of sex in a man's life :
Tri weekly,
Try weekly
&
Try weakly.

7. Virginity can be cured.

8. Virginity is not dignity,
Its lack of opportunity

9. Having sex is like playing bridge.
If you don't have a good partner,
You better have a good hand.

10. I tried phone sex once,
But the holes in the dialler were too small.

11. Marriage is the only war where
You get to sleep with the enemy

12. Q. What is an Australian kiss?
A. The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

13. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing.
He was happy with the Hole
&
She was happy with the Thing...

14. Q. What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
A. Life sucks,
Job sucks
&
Wife doesn't

15. Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A. Breasts don't have eyes.

16. Despite the old saying,
'Don't take your troubles to bed',
Many men still sleep with their wives.?

Read More...

Effect of alcoholic drinks on the body

Scientists have released a report on the adverse effects of different
alcoholic beverages have on the organs of the human body.

   Vodka + Ice…….. Damages the kidney!
Rum + Ice……….. Damages the liver!
Whisky + Ice…… Damages the heart!
Gin + Ice………….Damages the brain!

Conclusion:  It seems that ice ruins everything!

Read More...

About Marriage ..

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

My wife and I were very happy for twenty years. Then we met.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let
him keep her.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months; I don't like to interrupt her.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?" The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying".

A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". The next day he
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can
have mine".

A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire".
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman
replied "A billionaire".

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word
you say, talk in your sleep.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only
seems longer.

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your
laundry done free.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Read More...

Monday, March 28, 2011

Blondes

A blonde & her husband are lying in bed
listening to the next door neighbor's dog..
It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says,
"I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed
and her husband says, "The dog is still barking,
what have you been doing?"
The blonde says,
"I put the dog in our backyard,
let's see how THEY like it!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Two Blondes With Hammers...

Lynn & Judy were doing some carpenter work
on a Habitat for Humanity House.
Lynn was nailing down house siding,
would reach into her nail
pouch, pull out a nail & either toss it
over her shoulder or nail it in.
Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, '
Why are you throwing those nails away?'
Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch,
about half of them have the head on the wrong end
& I throw them away.'
Judy got completely upset & yelled,
'You moron! Those nails aren't defective!
They're for the other side of the house!' +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Did you hear about the two blondes
who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

You might have to think twice about this one.

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip
of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency
room doctor asked her.
'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.
'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting
off your finger?'
'No, slly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, &
then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants...
I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'
'So then?' asked the doctor.
'Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00
to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'
'So then?'
'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: 'This is going to make a
loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the
trigger.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A blonde was driving home after a game & got caught in a really bad
hailstorm.. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it
To a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he
decided to have some fun... He told her to go home and blow into the
tail pipe really hard, & all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands & knees & started
blowing into her tailpipe.. Nothing happened.. So she blew a little
harder, & still nothing happened.
Her blonde roommate saw her & asked, 'What are you doing?' The first
blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the
tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes & said, 'Uh, like hello!
You need to roll up the windows first.'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
These are just too cute not to pass on!!!!

A blonde was shopping at Target &
came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & took
it to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos.....
It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'
'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!'
So she Bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk.
'What's that,' he asked?
'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot & cold things
cold,' she replied..
Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'
The blond replied.....
'Two popsicles & some coffee.'
+++++++++++++

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'
The blonde replies,
'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that
my mother had passed away.'
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says,
'Why don't you go home for the
day? Take the day off to relax & rest.'
'Thanks, but I'd be better off here.
I need to keep my mind off it &
I have the best chance of doing that here.'
The boss agrees & allows the blonde to work as usual.
A couple of hours pass & the boss decides to check on the blonde.
He looks out from his office & sees the blonde crying hysterically..
'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.
'No!' exclaims the blonde.
'I just received a horrible call from my
sister. Her mother died, too!'

Read More...

Thursday, March 24, 2011

LEXIPHILES - Double Meanings Of Words

1. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

 2. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

3. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

4. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

5. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

6. The batteries were given out free of charge.

7. A dentist and a manicurist married.

They fought tooth and nail.

8. A will is a dead giveaway.

9. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

10. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

11. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

12. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

13. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

14. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

15. When you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.

16. Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was
resisting a rest.

17. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off?

He's all right now.

18. If you take a laptop computer for a run,

You could jog your memory.

19. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

20. In a democracy it's your vote that counts;

In feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

21. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

22. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

23. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

24. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

26. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

Read More...

COINCIDENCE OR CALL OF KARMA

Coincidences in our  Life are amazing,
Many unnoticeable yet some are conspicuously unbelievable

[15]  CHILDHOOD BOOK

While American novelist Anne Parrish was browsing bookstores in Paris
in the 1920s, she came upon a book that was one of her childhood
favourites - Jack Frost and Other Stories.
She picked up the old book and showed it to her husband, telling him
of the book she fondly remembered as a child. Her husband took the
book, opened it, and on the flyleaf found the inscription: "Anne
Parrish, 209 N. Weber Street, Colorado Springs."
It was Anne's very own book.


[14] POKER LUCK

In 1858, Robert Fallon was shot dead, an act of vengeance by those
with whom he  was playing poker.
Fallon, they claimed, had won the $600 pot through cheating.
With Fallon's seat empty and none of the other players willing to take
the now unlucky $600, they found a new player to take Fallon's place
and staked him with the dead man's $600.
By the time the police had arrived to investigate the killing, the new
player had turned the $600 into $2,200 in winnings.
The police demanded the original $600 to pass on to Fallon's next of
kin - only to discover that the new player turned out to be Fallon's
son, who had not seen his father in seven years!

[13] TWIN DEATHS

In 2002, seventy-year- old twin brothers died within hours of one
another after separate accidents on the same road in northern Finland.
The first of the twins died when he was hit by a lorry while riding
his bike in Raahe, 600 kilometres north of the capital, Helsinki.
He died just 1.5km from the spot where his brother was killed.
"This is simply a historic coincidence. Although the road is a busy
one, accidents don't occur every day," police officer Marja-Leena
Huhtala told Reuters.
"It made my hair stand on end when I heard the two were brothers, and
identical twins at that. It came to mind that perhaps someone from
upstairs had a say in this," she said.

________________________________
[12] POE COINCIDENCE

In the 19th century, the famous horror writer, Egdar Allan Poe, wrote
a book called
'The narrative of Arthur Gordon Pym'.
It was about four survivors of a shipwreck who were in an open boat
for many days before they decided to kill and eat the cabin boy whose
name was Richard Parker. Some years later, in 1884, the yawl,
Mignonette, foundered, with only four survivors, who were in an open
boat for many days.
Eventually, the three senior members of the crew killed and ate the cabin boy.
The name of the cabin boy was Richard Parker.

________________________________
[11] ROYAL COINCIDENCE

In Monza, Italy, King Umberto I, went to a small restaurant for
dinner, accompanied by his aide-de-camp, General Emilio Ponzia-
Vaglia.
When the owner took King Umberto's order, the King noticed that he and
the restaurant owner were virtual doubles, in face and in build.
Both men began discussing the striking resemblance between each other
and found many more similarities.
1. Both men were born on the same day, of the same year, (March 14th, 1844).
2. Both men had been born in the same town.
3. Both men married a woman with same name, Margherita.
4. The restaurateur opened his restaurant on the same day that King
Umberto was crowned King of Italy.
5. On the 29th July 1900, King Umberto was informed that the
restaurateur had died that day in a mysterious shooting accident, and
as he expressed his regret, an anarchist in the crowd then
assassinated him.

________________________________
[10] FALLING  BABY

In 1930s Detroit, a man named Joseph Figlock was to become an amazing
figure in a young (and, apparently, incredibly careless) mother's
life.
As Figlock was walking down the street, the mother's baby fell from a
high window onto Figlock.
The baby's fall was broken and Figlock and the baby were unharmed.
A year later, the selfsame baby fell from the selfsame window, again
falling onto Mr. Figlock as he was passing beneath.
Once again, both of them survived the event.

________________________________
[9] Mystery Monk

In 19th century Austria, a near-famous painter named Joseph Aigner
attempted suicide on several occasions.
During his first attempt to hang himself at the age of 18, a
mysterious Capuchin monk interrupted Aigner.
And again at age 22, the very same monk prevented him from hanging himself.
Eight years later, he was sentenced to the gallows for his political activities.
But again, his life was saved by the intervention of the same monk.
At age 68, Joseph Aigner finally succeeded in suicide, using a pistol
to shoot himself. Not surprisingly, the very same Capuchin monk - a
man whose name Aigner never even knew, conducted his funeral ceremony.
________________________________
[8] PHOTOGRAPHIC  COINCIDENCE

A German mother who photographed her infant son in 1914 left the film
to be developed at a store in Strasbourg.
In those days some film plates were sold individually.
World War I broke out and unable to return to Strasbourg, the woman
gave up the picture for lost.
Two years later, she bought a film plate in Frankfurt, over 100 miles
away, to take a picture of her newborn daughter.
When developed the film turned out to be a double exposure, with the
picture of her daughter superimposed on the earlier picture of her
son.
Through some incredible twist of fate, her original film, never
developed, had been mislabeled as unused, and had eventually been
resold to her.


________________________________
[7] BOOK FIND

In 1973, actor Anthony Hopkins agreed to appear in "The Girl From
Petrovka", based on a novel by George Feifer.
Unable to find a copy of the book anywhere in London, Hopkins was
surprised to discover one lying on a bench in a train station.
It turned out to be George Feifer's own annotated (personal) copy,
which Feifer had lent to a friend, and which had been stolen from his
friend's car.

________________________________
[6] TWINS

The twin brothers, Jim Lewis and Jim Springer, were separated at
birth, adopted by different families.
Unknown to each other, both families named the boys James.
Both James grew up not knowing of the other, yet both sought
law-enforcement training both had abilities in mechanical drawing and
carpentry, and each had married women named Linda.
Both had sons, one of who was named James Alan and the other named
James Allan. The twin brothers also divorced their wives and married
other women - both named Betty.
And they both owned dogs which they named Toy.

________________________________
[5] REVENGE  KILLING

In 1883, Henry Ziegland broke off a relationship with his girlfriend
who, out of distress, committed suicide.
The girl's enraged brother hunted down Ziegland and shot him.
Believing he had killed Ziegland, the brother then took his own life.
In fact, however, Ziegland had not been killed.
The bullet had only grazed his face, lodging into a tree.
It was a narrow escape.
Years later, Ziegland decided to cut down the same tree, which still
had the bullet in it. The huge tree seemed so formidable that he
decided to blow it up with dynamite.
The explosion propelled the bullet into Ziegland's head, killing him.


________________________________
[4] GOLDEN SCARAB

From The Structure and Dynamics of the Psyche:
"A young woman I was treating had, at a critical moment, a dream in
which she was given a golden scarab.
While she was telling me this dream I sat with my back to the closed window.
Suddenly, I heard a noise behind me, like a gentle
I turned round and saw a flying insect knocking against the windowpane
from outside.
I opened the window and caught the creature in the air as it flew in.
It was the nearest analogy to the golden scarab that one finds in our
latitudes, a scarabaeid beetle, the common rose-chafer (Cetonia
aurata) which contrary to its usual habits had evidently felt an urge
to get into a dark room at this particular moment.
I must admit that nothing like it ever happened to me before or since,
and that the dream of the patient has remained unique in my
experience."
- Carl Jung

________________________________
[3]  TAXI

In 1975, while riding a moped in Bermuda, a man was accidentally
struck and killed by a taxi.
One year later, this man's brother was killed in the very same way.
In fact, he was riding the very same moped.
And to stretch the odds even further, the very same taxi driven by the
same driver - and even carrying the very same passenger struck him!
________________________________

[2]  HOTEL DISCOVERY

In 1953, television reporter Irv Kupcinet was in London to cover the
coronation of Ellizabeth II.
In one of the drawers in his room at the Savoy he found some items
that, by their identification, belonged to a man named Harry Hannin.
Coincidentally, Harry Hannin - a basketball star with the famed Harlem
Globetrotters - was a good friend of Kupcinet's.
But the story has yet another twist.
Just two days later, and before he could tell Hannin of his lucky
discovery, Kupcinet received a letter from Hannin.
In the letter, Hannin told Kucinet that while staying at the Hotel
Meurice in Paris, he found in a drawer a tie - with Kupcinet's name on
it.
________________________________

[1] HISTORICAL COINCIDENCE

The lives of Thomas Jefferson and John Adams, two of America's founders.
Jefferson crafted the Declaration of Independence, showing drafts of
it to Adams, who (with Benjamin Franklin) helped to edit and hone it.
The Continental Congress  approved the document on July 4, 1776.
Surprisingly, both Jefferson and Adams died  on the same day, July 4,
1826 - exactly 50 years from the signing of the Declaration of
Independence.

Read More...

A Dictionary for Cleaning

Broom (brum) -
A long handled brush used for sweeping (also doubles as a mode of
transportation for your mother)

Vacuum (vak' u em) -
Much like the leaf blower except it sucks in, instead of blowing out.
Don't let this alarm you.
It isn't broken and doesn't need more torque, speed, RAM or whatever
it is you did to the dishwasher.

Dust Pan (DUH) -
Contrary to popular belief, this is where you sweep the dirt,
Not under the hallway area rug.

Dust Cloth (dust kloth) -
A cloth designated for removing tiny particles of dirt from every flat
surface of the house. Hint: Look for your old "lucky shirt".

Bucket (buk' it) -
Cylindric container used for holding soapy qater when mopping the floor.
Also known as your mid-evil knight helmet when you're playing with our
seven-year-old.

Mop (mop) -
A bundle of coarse yarn, rags or cloth fastened at the end of a stick.
You'll remember this as your dance partner at the New Year's Eve party
last year.

Toilet Brush (to lit brush) -
Used for scrubbing the inside of the toilet bowl.
I don't care what this looks like, you may NOT use my shower luffa again!

Oven Cleaner (UV en Klen' ER) -
No, not the teenager.
This is an actual product that you buy, spray in the oven and wipe out
two hours later. You won't need your welder's mask for this task, but
if it makes you feel more dangerous, go ahead.

Sponge (spunj) -
Used to gently wash away food particles from dinnerware.
It won't be necessary to use your 300psi Power Wash set.
That was given to you in hopes of cleaning the exterior of the house
(hint hint).

Squeegee (skwe' je) -
Same principle as washing the car windshield, and yes, real men do squeegee.

Read More...

DID YOU KNOW?

Tourists visiting Iceland should know that tipping at a restaurant is
considered  an insult!

 People in nudist colonies play volleyball more than any other  sport.
How nice!

 Albert Einstein was offered the presidency of Israel in 1952, but he  declined.

 Astronauts can't belch -  there is no gravity to separate liquid from
gas in their  stomachs.
I shall remember this!

Ancient Roman, Chinese and German societies often used urine as mouthwash.
They went organic.


 The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows.
In the Renaissance era, it was fashion to shave them off!
I know some like that even now.

  Google is actually the common name for a number with a million zeros

  Gold is the only metal that doesn't rust, even if it's buried in the
ground for thousands of years.
Shall remember this.

 Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end

  Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.

  Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent

 Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke
unless it's heated above 450°F

 The Shell Oil Company originally began as a novelty shop in London
that sold  seashells

 The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not
the ocean,
But rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the  ear.

 Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean


 Fish and Chip selling officially remained an offensive trade until
1940 due to the smell it produces

 The University of Alaska spans four time zones.
Four good excuses to students who get late!

 The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.
Pity, the tongue can.

 In ancient Greece, tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional
proposal of marriage.
Catching it meant she accepted.
Prior practice made girls perfect on wedding night.

   The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than
the disease it was intended to  prevent.
Could have tried it on swine first.

 If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up,
you can see stars, even in the middle of the day. Next time around
remind me.

 When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go.
The first sense lost is sight.

     Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories
per hundred  grams

 Due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher
than 15,000  meters

  Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they
could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge
down

 The painting that won second place in a competition held by the US
National Academy of Design was hanging upside down when it was judged.
So much for art!

Read More...

XX - Adult Puns!

Married sex is like ordering a Civil War chess set from the Franklin Mint.
Every four to six weeks you get a piece.

Jack gets thrown out of the pub at closing time and staggers down the
road in the general direction of home.
Knowing that he's not going to make it he goes into the woods to throw-up.
He leans against a tree and brings up the last four hours of alcohol
and then stands upright.
Looking down blearily he notices an old lamp sticking out of the dirt.
"Hey, some fool ha' thrown away a good lamp here," says Jack and he picks it up.
He examines the lamp and brushes off some of the dirt and grit.
There's a flash of light, plumes of smoke and a genie pops out of the lamp.
"Master," the genie booms. "You have freed me from imprisonment in the
lamp. I shall grant you three wishes!"
Jack looks up at the genie and says,
"Well, Fuck me!"
History does not relate what his next two wishes were.

The gay man took two aspirin with his Viagra.
So, sex wouldn't be such a pain in the ass.

A woman was walking down the street when she was stopped by a man who
was carrying out a survey.
"Excuse me, madam, we're doing a survey on peoples' attitudes towards sex."
"Really!" said the woman smiling.
"Could you please tell me what you think of sex on the television?"
"Well," replied the woman, "I think it's extremely uncomfortable,
especially when you've got a vase stuck up your ass!"

A nurse is a pan handler.

I once took a sex education class in college and a funny thing happened one day.
The professor arrived and said we'd be discussing positions that day
and asked us how many positions did we know.
I sat there too embarrassed to speak but one gal a couple of seats over said,
"Twelve."
The professor nodded approval but as he got ready to call on another
hand there was a loud call from the far back row of the 150 seat
auditorium,
"A hundred and one."
The little professor looked over his thick glasses but couldn't make
out who had spoken. Finally, he called on a very shy lady sitting next
to me.
At first she acted like she wasn't going to answer.
Finally, she said,
"Only one sir."
And the professor said,
"Well young lady that is unusual. And what position would that be?"
"With the man on top and woman on the bottom," she replied.
And from the back of the room came that same voice,
"A hundred and two!"

Roofers do it on top.

It's about 10 PM on a Wednesday night, and a guy sitting at a bar is
about ready to go home.
Before he gets a chance to walk out, the bartender says to him,
"Hey buddy, why're ya goin' home so soon? I usually see you here until
past midnight. Something wrong?"
The guy responds,
"No aint nothin' wrong, just gotta sore ass from sittin' on this stool
for so long."
"Buddy, I got just the thing for ya." says the bartender as he's
reaching up to the top shelf behind the bar.
He pulls a bottle of pills, opens the bottle and hands the guy two pills.
The guy says,
"What're these, aspirin?"
"No," says the bartender, "stool softener."

Did you hear about the guy who went to visit the Home for the
Profoundly Retarded and met a young female patient there who had
practically nothing on?
When he went back to revisit nine months later she had a little moron.

Read More...

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

True life stories

Husbands & Wives:  True life stories

A couple   went   to an art gallery. They find  a picture of a nude
women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't
like it and moves on but the husband keeps looking.The wife asks:
"What are you waiting for?"
The husband replies: "Autumn."

Read More...

XX Adult Puns!

A blonde I know became a civil engineer because she likes dykes.

One beautiful day, a little girl is walking along a beach in
California, when she sees a man wearing a newspaper for a pair of
pants.
So, she walks up to him and says:
"What's under the newspaper mister?"
Without thinking about it he says:
"My Birdie."
Delighted the little girl says:
"Can I play with your birdie?"
Disturbed the man shouts:
"NO!"
So, the girl walks away.
Five minutes later the man falls asleep.
When he woke up, he was in the hospital.
When the doctors saw that he was awake they asked him what happened
and he said: "I can't remember much but I know that there was a little
girl there."
So, the doctors find the little girl and ask her what happened and she says:
"Well he wouldn't let me play with his birdie.
So, I waited until he was asleep and went over.
But then the birdie spit on me.
So, I broke it's neck crushed it's eggs and burned it's nest!"

At a high school in Canton Ohio, 13% of the girls are pregnant.
If a guy there can't get a date to that prom, he really is a loser.

Disney released the 1942 movie 'Bambi' on Blu-ray on March 1st.
They are planning a new film for release this summer.
An animated feature about another cute, funny woodland creature, this
time with a flat tail and bangs.
It's called 'Justin Beaver'.

She was only the Admiral's daughter,
But her naval base was always full of seamen.

A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately
notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter.
The first guy says,
"Wow, that's a huge lighter. Where did you get it?"
The guy replies,
"A genie from this bottle granted me one wish."
"Great, can I try it?"
"Sure."
The first guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears.
"You are granted one wish" says the genie.
The guy says,
"I want a million bucks!"
"Done" says the genie and disappears.
A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and pouring
in come ducks.
Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through
the bar door.
"I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish,
"I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
The second guy then says,
"Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch Bic?"

My wife was upset when she found out, after all these years of me
telling her otherwise, that the song is not titled 'O Cum All Ye
Faceful'.

Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not
to fly south for the winter.
However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started
to fly south.
In a short time, ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth
in a barnyard, almost frozen.
A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow.
The sparrow thought it was the end.
But, the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings.
Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing.
Just then a large cat came by and, hearing the chirping, investigated
the sounds.
The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.
The moral of the story:
1. Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2. Everyone who gets you out of the crap is not necessarily your friend.
3. And, if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, keep your mouth shut.

Snow White was kicked out of Disney Land because she kept sitting on
Pinocchio's face and saying,
"Lie you bastard, lie!"

Bill emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when
his wife complained, as usual,
"I have a headache."
"Perfect" Bill said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis
with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository. It's up to
you!"

Sex is hereditary.
If your parents never had it,
Chances are you won't either.

Read More...

XX Adult Puns!

In a new sex survey they found that 18 percent of people had sex four
or more times a week.
Now, here is the interesting part.
That number drops to 3 percent when you add the phrase,
"With a partner."

A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time.
Later they go on to a show.
The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says,
"I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a
beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?"
 She agrees and a date is made.
The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps
him hard across the face.
He is stunned.
"What was that for?" he asked.
She said,
"I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopaedia last night and it said.
'Not well suited to bedding, but is excellent for rooting up against a
garden wall'."

Confucius says man who shoot off mouth,
Expect to lose face.

So, True story:
In Florida or North Carolina, I'm not sure.
But, there is a pancake house right?
It is on Cox Street.
Anyway, I called them one time.
They picked up, and said:
"Hello, IHOP on Cox, How may I help you?"
Now what would you say to that?

What do nymphos and doorknobs have in common?
Everyone gets a turn

The prostitute stood on the Nashville street corner when she saw a
gentleman walk up to her.
"Well, hello there," she said.
The man, who wasn't used to talking to strangers, said,
"Hi. What are you doing in a neighbourhood like this?"
She replied,
"I fulfil wishes!"
"Oh," the man said, "and how do you do that?"
"Make a wish," she told him, "a penny for your wish!"
The man blushed slightly, and then he said,
"I wish I was in bed with you!"
She got a smile on her face.
Then he said,
"Hey, nothing happened."
"I told you it was 'a penny for your thoughts' -- what I didn't tell
you is that it takes a hundred dollars for the wish to come true!"

A man was admitted to hospital suffering from premature ejaculation.
The doctors said it was touch and go.

Two college coeds were having a beer.
One said to the other,
"Mandy was so excited when she found out she was pregnant. She called
me late one night after my boyfriend and I had already gone to bed."
"What on earth did she want?" her friend asked.
"Oh, she just said,
"I can't believe I have a person inside me!"
I said,
"So do I. Could I call ya back in an hour or so?"

PREGNANCY:
When a woman is all swelled up from her mate's handiwork

A fellow went to a Halloween costume party dressed in only a grass skirt.
The theme of the party was "My Favourite Song," and attendees were
supposed to dress as that song title.
When the judging was set to begin, the fellow realized that the woman
in line next to him was nude, and quite attractive.
The judges asked the naked lady what song her "costume" represented.
She smiled coyly, and said
"Just As I Am."
The judges then asked the fellow in the grass skirt which song his
costume depicted, and he replied,
"It was going to be "Little Grass Shack in Hawaii," but since that
naked broad showed up, I changed it to "Coming Through The Rye!"

A blonde is like a frying pan.
You have to get them hot, before you put in the meat.

A guy runs into an ex-girlfriend, with whom he didn't have the
greatest relationship.
"You know, I was with another woman last night, but I was still
thinking of you."
"Why, because you miss me?"
"No, because it keeps me from cumming too fast."

A virgin hillbilly is a 12 year old girl who can run faster than her brothers.

Read More...

A Little Boys Explanation of God

Out of the mouths of the Babes--


It was written by an 8-year-old named Danny Dutton, who lives in
Chula Vista , CA. He wrote it for his third grade homework assignment,
to 'explain God.' I wonder if any of us could have done as well?
(and he had such an assignment, in California, and someone published
it, I guess miracles do happen!)


EXPLANATION  OF GOD:
'One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the
ones that die, so there will be enough people to take care of things
on earth. He doesn't make grownups, just  babies. I think because they
are smaller and easier to make. That way he doesn't have to take up
his valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave
that to mothers and  fathers.'

'God's second most important  job is listening to prayers. An awful
lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things,
pray at times beside bedtime. God doesn't  have time to listen to the
radio or TV because of  this. Because he hears everything, there must
be a terrible lot of noise in his ears, unless he has thought of a way
to turn it off.'

'God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which
keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting his time by going
over your mom and dad's head asking for something they said you
couldn't have.'

'Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are
any in my town . At least there aren't any who come to our church.'

'Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work, like walking on
water and  performing miracles and trying to teach the people  who
didn't want to learn about God. They finally got tired of him
preaching to them and they crucified him. But he was good and kind,
like his  father, and he told his father that they didn't know what
they were doing and to forgive them and God said O.K.'

'His dad (God) appreciated everything that he had done and all his
hard work on earth so he told him he didn't have to go out on the road
anymore. He could stay in heaven. So he did. And now he helps his dad
out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for
God to take care of and which ones he can take care of himself without
having to bother God. Like a secretary, only more important.'

'You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to help you because
they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the time.'

'You should always go to church on Sunday because it makes God happy,
and if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God!

Don't skip church to do something you think will be more fun like
going to the beach. This is wrong. And besides the sun doesn't come
out at the beach until noon anyway.'

'If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be
very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like
to camp, but God can. It is good to know He's around you when you're
scared, in the dark or when you can't swim and you get thrown into
real deep water by big kids.'

'But...you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you. I
figure God put me here and he can take me  back anytime he pleases.


And...that's why I believe in God.'


(If  you believe in God, please pass this on, and may God bless you too.)
Have  an awesome day, and know that someone has thought  about you!

Read More...

Water melons...

There was a farmer who grew watermelons.

He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who
would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his
watermelons.

After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he
thought would scare the kids away for sure.
He made up a sign and posted it in the field.

The next night, the kids showed up and they saw the sign which read,
"Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with
cyanide."

The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the
farmer's sign.

When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field.

He noticed that no watermelons were missing, but the sign next to his
read, "Now there are two!"

Read More...

Sportsman's' Hotline:

Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem:
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs:
If the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up;
She goes out with the girls a lot.
I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but, I
usually fall asleep.
Anyway, last night about midnight I hid in the boat shed behind the boat.
When she came home,
She got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse.
Then, she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat,
That I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?

Read More...

ETERNAL / INFERNAL TRUTHS

1.Once over the hill, you pick up speed.

2. I love cooking with wine.
Sometimes, I even put it in the food.

3. If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.

4. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

5. Everyone has a photographic memory.
Some just don't have film.

6. Dogs have owners.
Cats have staff.  (true!)

7. If the shoe fits...
Buy it in every colour.

8. If you're too open minded,
Your brains will fall out.

9. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing
in a garage makes you a car.

10. If you look like your passport picture,
You probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. Some days are a total waste of makeup.

13.  Men are from Earth.
Women are from Earth.
Deal with it.

14. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

15. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the
waist change places.

16. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

17. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
before you need it.

18. Experience is a wonderful thing.
It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

19. By the time you can make ends meet,
They move the ends.

20. Learn from the mistakes of others.
You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

Read More...

Today's Humour

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win,
You're still a rat.
~Lily Tomlin

Interviewer (to Grace Slick):
Grace, when did you decide you had a problem with alcoholism?
Grace:
I didn't, the highway patrol decided for me.

Normal people ...
Believe that if it ain't broke,
Don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke,
It doesn't have enough features yet.
~Scott Adams

The city slicker's car sputtered to a halt near a pasture filled with cattle.

The driver got out to see what was the matter and noticed one cow
staring at him.

"Sounds like it's your radiator," said the cow.

The startled city slicker ran to the nearby farmhouse and pounded on
the front door.

"Your cow just gave me advice about my car!" he shouted.

The farmer pointed out to the field. "That cow with the two big black
spots?" he asked.

"Yes! Yes! That's the one!" the man replied.

"Oh, well, that's Ethel," said the farmer. "Don't pay no attention to
her. She don't know nuttin' about cars!"

Read More...

CLASSIFIED ADS

2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old,
Perfect markings, 555-1234.
Leave mess.


Lost: small apricot poodle.
Reward.
Neutered.
Like one of the family.


A superb and inexpensive restaurant.
Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.


Dinner Special --
Turkey $2.35;
Chicken or Beef $2.25;
Children $2.00.


For sale:
An antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.


Four-poster bed, 101 years old.
Perfect for antique lover.


Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to
take home, too.


Wanted:
50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.


We do not tear your clothing with machinery.
We do it carefully by hand.


For Sale.
Three canaries of undermined sex.


For Sale --
Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.


Great Dames for sale.


Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.


Dog for sale:
Eats anything and is fond of children.

Read More...

XX - Adult Puns!

Charlie phoned Shirley to invite her out for a lamb dinner.
"What do you mean, a lamb dinner?" asked Shin somewhat puzzled.
"Three cocktails and a piece of ewe," smirked good old Charlie.


She was only the Statistician's daughter,
But she knew all the standard deviations.

Young Harry brought a porn film home for himself and his long time
girlfriend to watch because she told him that they needed to spice up
their sex life.
Harry told her it was a homemade movie involving a local girl and two guys,
Harry started to put the film into the DVD player when she all at once
stopped him. Harry's girl told him to sit down as she had something
important to tell.
Harry couldn't believe It.
He was amazed to find out that she had a twin sister all these years
and had never mentioned it before.
At least that is what she told Harry.

The meaning of lots of phrases depend on your location.
A "Safe Cracker" in New York is a person who opens a victim's safe
without knowing the combination.
In Georgia it's an AIDS-free girl on the pill.

Bambi the blonde celebrated her 40th birthday with a makeover.
She had a tummy tuck, butt implants, botox, collagen...
The works.
Ten weeks and thousands of dollars later, she was a new woman -- literally.
Her personal physician then performed her annual physical, noted the
new "body work."
When the exam was finished, he called her in.
"Bambi, your overall health is good, but I want to discuss a problem
that often affects women your age: osteoporosis."
Bambi looked puzzled.
"Osteo--what?"
"Bone loss.  Many women start to experience it in their 40s."
Bambi giggled, blushed and said,
"Oh, really, Doc.  You've seen me naked.  Trust me, with this body and
this face, I get new bones quite often!"

Sheri and Rosey were were talking about the new hottie in the neighbourhood.
But he acts so stupid said Sheri.
"I think he must have his brains between his legs."
"Yeah, sighed Rosey, but I'd sure love to blow his mind."

This college girl comes back to the dorm after spending all day hiking
in the wilderness with her boyfriend.
After her shower she's toweling off when her roommate notices her ass
all bruised up black and blue.
"Good heavens! What happened to you? You're all bruised up."
She replied,
"Well, you know how it goes, just got caught between a rock and a hard-on."

A slutty girl is flirting with 2 guys in a chat room.
The first guy asks,
"What state are you from?"
While at the same time the second guy asks,
"What do you do for a living?"
To satisfy them both,
She replies,
"Idaho."

"That jerk of a husband of mine wanted me to bang the landlord because
he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife told a neighbour.
"You didn't do it, did you?"
"Yes, I did, but I also didn't tell him that now the rent is paid up
for six months. When he gives me the money to pay the rent, I go
shopping."

When you mix Viagra and whiskey,
You get a stiff drink.

I had an uncle whom I'm named after that used to go into bars,
directly and bluntly ask women,
"Wanna $&@?"
He said only nine out of ten said no,
A few of those would slap or hit him.
But that one out of ten was worth it.

They made a movie about my wife's sex life ---
"The Night of the Living Dead"

Read More...

Voted best Scottish short joke!

 A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?'

 To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her
glasses and says,

 'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!'

Read More...

Had Columbus Been Married

If Columbus had been married, he might never have discovered America,
because he would have had to answer all the following questions and
listen to such dramatic statements:

Where are you going?

With whom?

Why?

How are you going?

To discover what?

Why only you?

What do I do when you are not here?

Can I come with you?

When will you be back?

Will you be home for dinner?

What will you bring for me?

You deliberately made this plan without me, didn't you?

You seem to be making a lot of these programs lately...

Answer me why?

I want to go to my mother's house.

I want you to drop me there.

I don't want to come back ever!

What do you mean, OK?

Why aren't you stopping me?

I don't understand what this whole 'discovery' thing is about.

You always do things like this.

Last time also you did the same thing!

Nowadays you always seem to do this kind of stuff.

I still don't understand what else is left to be discovered!

Read More...

CLASSIFIEDS

Illiterate?
Write today for free help.

Auto Repair Service.
Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once,
You'll never go anywhere again.

Dog for sale:
Eats anything and is fond of children.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory.
Must be willing to travel.

Stock up and save.
Limit: one.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

For sale:
Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to
take home too.

Vacation Special:
Have your home exterminated.
Get rid of aunts.

Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster:
A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.

Used Cars:
Why go elsewhere to be cheated.
Come here first.

Wanted:
Hair cutter.
Excellent growth potential.

Wanted.
Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety,
Unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home.

Read More...

APHORISM:

A SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE EXPRESSING A WISE, CLEVER OBSERVATION;
A GENERAL TRUTH OR ADAGE


1. The nicest thing about the future is,
 It always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog,
But only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humour,
You probably don't have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is,
When you're in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child
Who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager
Who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because
They demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that, at class reunions,
You feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Scratch a dog
&
You'll find a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than
The boy who anxiously awaits his 16th birthday.

11. There are no new sins;
The old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4AM:
It could be the right number.

13. No one ever says,
'It's only a game' when their team's winning.

14. I've reached the age
Where the happy hour is a nap.

15. Be careful reading the fine print.
There's no way you're going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is
Not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realize in about 40 years
We'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos?
(And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)

18. Money can't buy happiness -
But somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Rolls Royce than on a Bus.

19. After 70 if you don't wake up aching in every joint,
You are probably dead.

Read More...

XX - Adult Puns!

An impractical cure for the mumps;
Mix your Ex-Lax with six sugar lumps,
Scarf down a whole goose
Which will turn your bowels loose
Very soon you'll feel down in the dumps

They're making a new XXX movie.
It's about an anorexic Irish prostitute who hops from bed to bed.
Her name's Tramp O'Lean.

There was a little boy who was learning how to count.
He had mastered the halfway point to a hundred, but was having some
problems afterward.
One day, he was counting, and he got to 58... 59, and asked what came next.
Mom told him,
"Sixty. Sixty is the next number."
When he got to 69, he asked,
"What comes after 69?"
His father was just walking in the door from work, heard only the
question, and he replied,
"Listerine!"

There was this cat who loved to get drunk.
So, he went to the bar downtown on the other side of the tracks.
He stayed all night long and got so wasted he could barely stand up,
much less walk. The cat started to stumble on home.
As the cat came to the train tracks he didn't notice a train as it was
coming his way.
The cat started to cross the track an d the train was right on him.
Just as he crossed, the train went by.
But the cat was not all the way over and the train ran over the tip of
his tail, the cat turned his head to see what was happening and the
train cut his head clean off.
And The Moral of the Story:
Don't lose your head over a little piece of tail!

Define "TRUST":
Two cannibals having oral sex.

A man had been waiting entirely too long at the doctor's office.
His appointment was for 9:00 and here it was nearly 10:30!
Finally, an attractive nurse appeared at the waiting room door, called
out his name, and said to him,
"Let's go get a room."
"Honey, I appreciate the offer," he said, "but after waiting all this
time, I'd hate to lose my spot now!"

The difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised is;
When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!

The recently married young woman was weeping and pouring out her heart
and troubles to the church's appointed marriage counselor.
"Isn't there some way, without turning into a nag, that I can keep my
husband in line?" The counselor scowled.
"Well young lady," he said, "maybe that's the problem, your husband
shouldn't have to wait in line!"

When one of the girls of the Establishment died, the funeral was a
beautiful affair. Hundreds of friends and clients showed up for the
solemn procession.
Car on car of brightly coloured flowers followed the slow moving
hearse, and when they finally arrived at the cemetery, the Madam took
her place at the side of the yawning grave and began to weep
copiously.
Two of the girls, standing nearby, heard the Madam muttering through
her sobs - a quiet, reflective, eulogy:
"That was a wonderful girl.
She brought in more business than any girl I ever had.
She was the best prostitute I ever knew."
One of the girls turned to her companion.
"See?" she mused, "You have to die before they say something nice about you!"

Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm.
It was a disaster!
Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!

Read More...

XX Alcohol Labels Just Like Cigarettes

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may leave
You wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing
~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
Over and over again that you love them.
~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
 Take a  member  of the  opposite sex to bed with a simple 'come hither' glance.
~~~

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that
You are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

~~~~
 WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
Laughing WITH you.
~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
 ~~~~
 WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your ass kicked.
~~~~
WARNING:
The crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan tpye reel gode.

Read More...

Wednesday, March 02, 2011

XX - Adult Puns!

Martinis, my girl, are deceiving:
Take two at the very most.
Take three and you're under the table.
Take four and you're under the host.

The gay burglar couldn't blow the safe,
So, he went down on the elevator.

Rabbi Levy is addressing the 'Enlighten Your Daughter' meeting of the
synagogue women's guild.
"Ladies," he says, "I'm sure some of you know by now that the
unfortunate Jonathan Bloom has been sent to prison for making love to
his wife Sadie's dead body."
A number of 'Oy Vays' are heard from the ladies present.
"You might also be interested to k now," the Rabbi goes on to say,
"that I spoke to Jonathan yesterday and I now firmly believe that his
actions were entirely innocent and accidental. So although we are all
feeling sorry for Jonathan, there is a lesson to be learned. Ladies,
go back home to your daughters and tell them that when making love
with a good Jewish husband, they should please make a little wiggle."

We were poor.
If I wasn't a boy, I wouldn't have had nothing to play with.

This hillbilly kid goes into a drugstore and asks the druggist for a
box of condoms.
The druggist says,
"How old are you, son?"
The kid replies,
"Eleven."
"I can't sell you any condoms," the druggist says. "You're too young."
The kid says,
"Gimme some rubbers or I'll call a cop."
"All right, cool it," the druggists says to the kid. "What kind of
condoms do you want?" The kid tells him,
"Gimme the French ticklers."
The druggist says, "Listen, kid. Do you know what one of those things
will do to a woman?"
"No," the kid replies, "but I hear they make a sheep jump pretty high!"

She was only the Chimney sweeps daughter,
But she could haul ash.

"Why did your boss jump out of the window?" the detective asked the secretary.
"I don't know", she sobbed, "he was always so nice to me. Two months
ago he gave me a fur coat, last month a sports car and just today a
diamond ring. Then he asked, what it would cost to be able to ravish
me."
"And what did you say?" I just said, "The other men in the office
always just give me fifty bucks."

Height of Bravery:
A naked man bending over to pick up a quarter on an island of gays.

The lanky Texas ranch hand was still a virgin at twenty-one, so, on
his first trip to the big city, he decided to visit a brothel and find
out what he'd been missing.
Upon securing the address of a rather exclusive establishment, he soon
found himself lying in bed with an attractive partner.
Sensing the lad was somewhat inexperienced, the professional gently
took his hand and placed it on the source of her income.
"Is this what you're looking for?" she whispered seductively.
"Well, I don't rightly know, ma'am," the cowboy murmured shyly. "I'm a
stranger to these parts."

The best secretary in the world to have is the one that never misses a period.

Margaret decided she wanted to become a nurse.
Her first day at the hospital she was given several patients to bathe
and change their beds.
Her instructor arrived in the room just in time to hear the male
patient give a howl of pain.
The teacher took Margaret to one side and said.
"When we make the beds, we gently turn the patient to one side and
push the sheets up against his back. We then roll him over on the
other side and pull the sheets firm. We do NOT pick him up by his
penis and shove the sheets under him."

Read More...

Tuesday, March 01, 2011

weekend laughter

1 - Wife & Husband

Wife : How have you managed to get home so early today?
Husband : My boss lost temper with me and shouted "Go to hell". So I came home.


2- Black guy & A White Girl
A black guy and a white girl met at a nightclub. She took him to her
apartment and said: "tie me to the bed and do what black men do best!"
So he ran off with the TV and VCD...

3-Wife & Husband
Wife: "I wish I were a newspaper, so you can hold me every morning!"
Husband: "I wish you're a newspaper TOO, my dear so I can have a NEW
ONE every morning!"

4- Not at all
70 yr old man asks his wife "do u feel sad when u see me running
behind young girls?"
Wife replied "No not at all, even dogs chase cars but they can't drive it."

5- Don't disgrace your family
A young Chinese girl going on her 1st date. Her mother warned
her…."1st he kisses your cheek; then he'll kiss your breasts, you'll
enjoy; then he
wants to go on top. You must not allow it so as not to disgrace our
family name."
Next day girl told Mom, "Everything happened exactly as you predicted. I
didn't allow him to go on top so I went on top and disgraced his family."

6- Baby burn't
A white couple had a black baby….
The husband doesn't believe that it's his baby.
Husband: Why the baby black?
Wife: U hot, I hot, baby burnt..!

Read More...

XX Adult Puns!

She was only the violinist's daughter,
But she took off her G-string and all the boys fiddled.

This guy goes out with his buddies for a night on the town and they
cap off the festivities by going to a house of ill repute.
A week later, the guy visits his doctor complaining of a large green
lump on the end of his penis.
The doctor does a thorough exam, then pulls down a weighty medical
book and flicks through it till he finds what he's looking for.
He looks up and says,
"I'm afraid this is serious. We'll have to operate!"
"Operate?", exclaims the fellow, "Why, Doc? What's the problem?"
"Well, you know how boxers can get a cauliflower ear? You've developed
the same sort of thing. You've got a brothel sprout."

Height of Innocence:
A teenager girl applying Clearasil  to her nipples thinking them as pimples.

A pompous self made grocer named Bates gets his son into an expensive
private school.
On day one, the whole family is there to see the little blighter begin
his first day at school.
The grocer, his family in tow, saunters into the principal's office
and introduces himself thusly:
"I am Sir Shortweight Bates. This is my wife, Lady Bates, my daughter
Miss Bates and my son Master Bates."
"Oh does he?" asks the bemused principal, "we will soon get him out of
that terrible habit."

After a night of drink and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next
to a really ugly woman.
That's when he realized he had made it home safely.

My wife has worked as a magician's assistant for years now.
I think she has picked up a few tricks.
I came home from work early today and she was in the bedroom.
She said,
"Abracadabra!" and my best friend, Dave, came out of the wardrobe, stark naked.
Poor bastard must have wondered what the hell was going on.

I recently read in one of the tabloids at the supermarket,
"Woman Gets Pregnant While Doing Lambada"
I guess that goes to show that the rhythm method just doesn't work!

You are suffering form what is technically known as an Electra
Complex," the psychiatrist is informing his blonde female patient.
"In other words, you are in love with your father."
The blonde breaks down into hysterical sobbing.
"Now, now," comforts the shrink. "It's not all that bad."
"Yes, (sniff)  yes, it is," sobs the blonde, "I have no chance at all.
He's a married man!"

Like the song says, there are 50 ways to leave your lover,
But getting caught in bed with her sister is pretty foolproof and
makes for a much shorter list.

A state trooper notices a car weaving in the road, and when he pulls
it over a beautiful woman gets out.
She is clearly under the influence, but just to make sure he gives her
the breathalyzer test.
Sure enough, she's over the limit.
So, the trooper says,
"Madam, you've had a couple of stiff ones.
"Oh," says the lady, "it shows that too?"

Rear Admiral:
A gay naval officer

Read More...

Bad Neighbours

A proposed council tax-evaluation policy in the UK will mean
reassessment of current house values which will mean they will charge
us more if we live in a nice area.

That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough areas.

There is a huge house in our street. The extended family is run by a
grumpy old woman with a pack of irritable dogs allowed to run without
leads. Her car isn't taxed or insured and doesn't even have a number
plate, but the police still do nothing. To the best of my knowledge,
she has never held down a job.

Her bad-tempered old man is notorious for racist comments. A
shopkeeper blamed him for arranging the murder of his son and his
son's girl-friend,
but nothing has been proved.

All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone
thought was gay.

Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always out partying
in nightclubs. It is suspected that they do not have the same father.
They are out of control.
.
.
.
.
.
.

.
.
.
I hate living near Buckingham Palace......

Read More...