XX - Adult Puns!
Love is complicated machinery.
But sometimes all you need is a good screw to fix it.
Way down in the deep south, in an area known as the 'Bible Belt,'
there lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation.
One morning, after a particularly moving sermon, he announced,
"Friends I have been hearing very nasty rumours!"
The crowd fell into an expectant silence.
The Minister continued,
"One of you, here among us, has been reporting that I am a member of
the dreaded 'Klu Klux Klan.'
This, of course, is not true!
I am asking that the guilty party confess and apologize now - right
here - before my flock of loyal followers."
Sister Margaret quickly stood up and pleaded,
"Preacher, please, I don't know how this all came to be. I just
mentioned to one of my close friends that... You were a wizard under
the sheets."
Japan leads the world in advanced toilet technology that even washes
and perfumes your rear end.
But now, they've taken it a step further by introducing urinal games.
They're testing four games at pubs and arcades.
All involve a pressure sensor to detect the urine so the player can
control the game. They include:
"Splashing Battle," which lets men compete with the last user in
stream strength;
"Graffiti Eraser," which lets men move their urine stream to erase
digital graffiti from a video screen; and what is likely to prove most
popular,
"The North Wind And The Sun And Me,"
In which the strength of the man's urine stream determines how high a
virtual girl's skirt gets blown up by a digital wind.
They held a tournament of champions, but the winner was disqualified
for doping after he tested positive for Flomax.
Did you hear about the army nurse who went to bed eating popcorn and
woke up with a kernel between her legs.
The attractive young woman was sitting at the bar alone, when the
lounge lizard made his move.
"I'm here," he breathed huskily, "to fulfil your every sexual fantasy."
The woman turned and looked at him.
Her lips parted and she moistened them with the tip of her tongue.
She leaned toward him with her hands on her thighs, and her eyes
opened to the size of dinner plates.
She paused just a second and then delivered the crusher line,
"You've got a large donkey and a Doberman?"
The guy turned as green as his golf slacks and slipped away without a word!
DECOY:
A flashlight in the pants pocket.
My ex had only one thing on his mind.
I was in the bedroom reading, and he was in the den watching TV when
he yelled, "C'mere! C'mere! Ya gotta see this!"
So I went.
Jill:
What on Earth was it?
Mary:
It was a sword swallower showing how to suppress your gag reflex when
something is shoved down your throat!
To people who are inclined to say,
"I couldn't give a rat's ass,"
I would really like to answer,
"That's okay; I wouldn't want to deprive you of any of your rats' asses."
The handsome construction worker considered himself quite the stud,
and indeed had no trouble persuading a good-looking recent
acquaintance to come back to his apartment.
After making love to her, he rolled over and lit a cigarette.
His self-satisfied smile vanished, however, when the woman hopped out
of bed and snapped,
"You may look like Mel Gibson, but you're lousy in the sack."
The indignant fellow snapped,
"I don't see what makes you such an expert after only forty-five seconds!"
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
