Puns of the Day!

The incontinent Scotsman had a wee accident.

Two bees ran into each other.
One asked the other how things were going.
"Really badly," said the second bee. "The weather has been wet and
there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey."
"No problem," said the first bee. "Just fly down five blocks and then
turn left and keep on until you see all the cars. There's a Bar
Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh
fruit."
"Thanks for the tip," said the second bee, as she flew away.
A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again and the first bee asked
"How'd it go?"
"Fine," said the second bee. "It was everything you said it would be."
"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.
"That's my yarmulke," said the second bee. "I didn't want them to
think I was a wasp."

If you're swimming and get tangled in seaweed, sea kelp.

There was once a wise man who loved a beautiful maiden, but she lived
in a marsh where his car always got stuck and, besides, her father had
a gun, so he never did get close enough to tell her of his passion.
However, she had a more energetic suitor who purchased amphibious
tires for his car and, when her father was asleep, speedily carried
her off.
Moral:
Treads rush in where wise men fear to fool.

"You'll never believe this,. If you play a Windows 7 CD backwards, you
can hear all kind of Satanic messages!"
"That's nothing. If you play it forwards, it actually installs Windows
7. How evil is that?"

Robin Hood and his merry men were in Sherwood Forest one night
celebrating, and imbibing.
They all became inebriated, and then Friar Tuck began to sing.
He became louder with each drink.
Robin Hood, fearing that the Sheriff of Nottingham might hear the
band, dragged the Friar deep into the woods.
He then tucked him into the river, but the song lingered on.
The moral of the story?
You can lead a drunk to water but you can't make him hoarse.

He is not "BALDING" -
He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

Finishing up our work at a trade show in San Diego, my co-worker
Maureen and I decided to go sightseeing across the border in Tijuana,
Mexico.
While there, we went shopping and bought a few pieces of clay kitchenware.
As we crossed back into the United States, a customs official asked if
we had anything of value to report.
"Not really," Maureen replied, digging in her bag for the bean crock
she had purchased. Everyone around us froze as she continued,
"I only bought a little pot."

"Doctor, you've got to help me. I think I'm a toilet bowl."
"Relax. You're fine, but you do look a little flushed."
"How's it going?" I asked a regular customer as he stepped into my coffee shop.
"Not great," he answered. "I'm looking for a new job."
"What happened to the one at the spice factory?"
"Oh, that," he said. "It was just seasonal."

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Seven months pregnant, my hand on my aching back, I stood in line at
the post office for what seemed an eternity.
"Honey," said a woman behind me, "I had back pain during my pregnancy
too. I was bedridden for four months because my baby was sitting on a
nerve."
Then the man in front of me piped up....
"You'd better get used to it now. Once those kids get on your nerves,
they can stay there till they're 18."

The apostles' carpooled in a Honda.
"The Apostles were in one Accord."