Wisdom for adults

Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and work your way
to the bottom, while getting a raise.

Good friends are like condoms; they protect you when things get hard.

Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.

Masturbation is like  procrastination, it's all good and fun until you
realize you are only screwing yourself.

Without a doubt, women are the foundation stone of society; but always
remember who laid them!!!

Money is just like an arse .. everybody has it, but ... nobody wants
to give it !!!

Men play the game.  Women know the score.

Wives are funny creatures ....  Wives don't have sex with their
husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does.!?!?

Whenever you feel low, depressed or useless, remember that you are the
same sperm that won a battle against a million others.

Here is the definition of divorce ...  She gets the ring and the man
gets the finger!!!

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XX - Adult Puns!

She was a very patriotic prostitute.
She charged only $17.76, but she did it only with minutemen.

Mrs. Grayson was taking care of some correspondence when her
precocious six-year-old daughter ran in and tugged at her sleeve.
"Mommy, can I have a baby?"
"Of course not, dear," her mother replied, without missing a keystroke.
"Are you sure?" the little girl persisted.
"Very sure. Now run along, dear"
As she ran to rejoin her playmates in the yard, the child called out,
"OK, fèllas, same game!"

"Isn't the moon lovely?" she sighed.
"If you say so," answered her boyfriend. "I'm in no position to say."

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and
family values. Bill said,
'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Larry replied,
'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

The Dean of an all-women Christian college was lecturing her students
on sexual morality.
"In moments of temptation," said the speaker to the class, "ask
yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of
shame?"
A somewhat less-than-virginal-looking student in the back of the room
rose to ask a question of her own:
"How do you make it last an hour?"

She was only the architect's daughter but she let the city surveyor!

A couple bought themselves a squirrel pet.
One night they went out for dinner and locked the squirrel in the closet.
Later that night a thief broke into their house.
The thief was in the process of stealing the couple's valuables when
he heard the couple's car arriving home.
The thief then immediately hid in the closet.
The owners came into the house, and went straight to bed.
But in the middle of the night they were awoken by a scream.
The husband opened the closet to see the thief squirming on the floor.
The husband immediately bound the thief tightly with some rope and
asked what made him yell so loud.
The thief replied in pain,
"When your damn squirrel mistook my ass for a hollow in a tree -- I
held out; then it mistook my balls for nuts, I gritted my teeth; but
when it decided to carry the nuts into the hollow I screamed."

If Guinevere gave Lancelot, I wonder how much Galahad

A woman walked into the pharmacy and asked for a vibrator.
The pharmacist gestured with his index finger and said,
"Come this way."
The woman replied,
"If I could come that way, I wouldn't need a vibrator!"

Our bikinis are exciting.
They are simply the tops.

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Pharmacists Monday

Upon arriving home, a  husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly
this morning on the phone.  I had to call multiple times before he
would even answer the phone."  Immediately, the husband drove downtown
to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him,
"Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm
failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and
hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both
house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding  ticket. Later, when I
was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."

"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me
to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people,
all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash
register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.
I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and
the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the
open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase
with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and
broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got
back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use
a rectal thermometer.

And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her!!!"

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XX - Adult Puns!

Men have two emotions:
Hungry and horny.
If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

How come I can have sex with a woman for free, and it's legal.
In order to get her to have sex with me, I can buy her drinks and
dinner, and it still remains legal.
However, if I pay a woman to have sex with me, it becomes illegal.
But, if I pay a woman to have sex with me on camera, and distribute
copies for it for profit, it suddenly becomes legal again.

Two young girls were talking about their sex lives when the first girl says,
"Oh my God! It was really great, but I was so scared after his rubber
broke. I didn't get a good night's sleep for a week."
"What happened."
"I didn't know what I was going to do, but I was finally able to get
the last little piece of it out with dental floss."

Absent-minded is hardly the word for the pretty secretary who left her
clothes at the office and took her boss to the cleaner.

In the middle of the harvesting, one of the farmhands had to obey the
call of nature.
He went to the edge of the field and started peeing.
Most unfortunately, he was stung by a bee right on the "tip".
The pain was unbearable, but he knew a piece of good advice.
He went to the farmer's house and put his penis in buttermilk.
At that moment the farmer's daughter came in.
With her face red, she stood perfectly still looking at him.
"Have you never seen one of these before?" the farmhand asked.
To which the girl replied:
"Yes, but this is the first time I've seen one being reloaded!"

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking
for some hot action!
So, I sent her my ironing.
That'll keep the lazy woman busy.

Gail, the attractive secretary, was inclined to brag way too much
about her "dates" to suit the other women in the office.
One day, she was going on and on about a Texan who had treated her
like a queen all evening and at the end of the date, gave her two
hundred dollar bills for "cab fare."  "Imagine that," came a voice
from the other side of the filing cabinets,
"A hundred-and-eighty dollar tip."

A man was lying naked, face down on a table, with his wife rubbing his
back with toilet paper.
He says,
"I hate it when you treat me like shit."

One day Pebbles Flintstone was in bed with Fred and Wilma.
They were both naked.
Pebbles sees Fred's penis and says,
"Daddy, what's that?" and Fred says,
"Th-that's... Um... that's daddy's rock."
A little while later Pebbles looks down and sees Wilma's vulva.
"What's that, mommy?" she asks.
"Oh.. That.. that's mommy's rock grinder."
All of a sudden Pebbles sits up and says,
"I get it! Daddy puts his rock into mommy's rock grinder and out comes pebbles!"

A psychic woman claims to be able to tell a man's future by having sex with him.
Can't every woman do this?
You have sex, and the man falls asleep!

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Huge groans

I got some new aftershave today that smells like bread crumbs , the
birds love it!

Tampax have announced today that they will be replacing the cord on
their tampons with a piece of tinsel. This will be for the Christmas
period only.

David Cameron has announced that he intends to make it more difficult
to claim benefits. From next week all the forms will be printed in
English.

Husband says to wife 'My Olympic condoms have arrived I think I'll
wear gold tonight' . Wife says 'Why don't you wear silver and come
second for a change?'

I was driving this morning when I saw an AAA van parked up.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looking very miserable. I
thought to myself 'That guy's heading for a breakdown'.

An RAF fighter plane was flying over Afghanistan when he noticed a
flying carpet on each side of his plane both with a machine gunner on
board. Sensing danger he shot them down. Back at base he got a right
b-ollocking - apparently they were Allied Carpets!

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English
speaking Doctor'. I thought what a good idea, why don't we have them
in our country?

The lead actor in the local pantomime Aladdin was sexually abused
from behind on stage last night. To be fair, the audience did try to
warn him......

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the beauty and complexity of the English language

Professor Ernest Brennecke of Columbia is credited with inventing a
sentence that can be made to have eight different meanings by placing
ONE WORD in all possible positions in the sentence:
"I hit him in the eye yesterday."

The word is "ONLY".

The Message:
1.ONLY I hit him in the eye yesterday. (No one else did.)
2.I ONLY hit him in the eye yesterday. (Did not slap him.)
3.I hit ONLY him in the eye yesterday. (I did not hit others.)
4.I hit him ONLY in the eye yesterday. (I did not hit outside the eye.)
5.I hit him in ONLY the eye yesterday. (Not other organs.)
6.I hit him in the ONLY eye yesterday. (He doesn't have another eye..)
7.I hit him in the eye ONLY yesterday. (Not today.)
8.I hit him in the eye yesterday ONLY. (Did not wait for today.)

This is the beauty and complexity of the English language.

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Superb Sentences By Superb Persons

Shakespeare...

"Never Play With The Feelings Of Others
                   Because You May Win The Game
                   But The Risk Is That You Will Surely Lose
                   The Person For A Life Time".

Napoleon...

"The world suffers a lot. Not because of the violence of bad people,
                           But because of the silence of good people!"

Einstein...

"I am thankful to all those who said NO to me. Its because of them I
did it myself..."

Abraham Lincoln...

"If friendship is your weakest point then
                           You are the strongest person in the world"

                  Shakespeare...

"Laughing Faces Do Not Mean That There Is Absence Of Sorrow!
                           But It Means That They Have The Ability To
Deal With It".

                   William Arthur...

"Opportunities Are Like Sunrises, If You Wait Too Long You Can Miss Them".

                   Hitler...

"When You Are In The Light, Everything Follows You,
                           But When You Enter Into The Dark, Even Your
Own Shadow Doesn't Follow You."

                 Shakespeare....

"Coin Always Makes Sound But The Currency Notes Are Always Silent.

So When Your Value Increases Keep Yourself Calm and Silent"

                  Dr Abdul Kalaam...

"It Is Very Easy To Defeat Someone, But It Is Very Hard To Win Some

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Holy Humor....in good taste and a chuckle too.

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know
what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the
Bible means?
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands
for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'
(This one is my favorite)

=======

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to
her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.

========

"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world.
There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning,
Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good
Lord, it's morning."

========

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because
he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.  Then he
put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the
block 10 times.  If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment.
Forgive us our trespasses."  When he returned, he found a citation
from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block
for 10 years.  If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job.  Lead us
not into temptation."

========

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to
his congregation: "I have good news and bad news.  The good news is,
we have enough money to pay for our new building program.  The bad
news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

========

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish
carriage.  The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor,
because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed
sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass.  Caution:
Do not step in exhaust."

========

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and
girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "

========

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before
a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were
many cars ahead of him.  Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a
vacant pump.  "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the
delay.  It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get
ready for a long trip.."

The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

========

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the
center of attention.

========

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the
lesson was about.
The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor
stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday
school lesson was about.
He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

========

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask
the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting
for repairs to the church building.  Therefore, he was annoyed to find
that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought
in at the last minute.  The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently.  "But, you'll
have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about
the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and
Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as
much as we expected and we need $4,000 more.  Any of you who can
pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

=========

Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk!

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Sardar in Paris

Sardar furniture dealer decided that he wanted to expand the line of
furniture in his store, so he decides to go to Paris to see what he
could find.

After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip ever to the French
capital), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a new
range of furniture that he thought would sell well back home in PUNJAB
.

To celebrate the new acquisition, he decides to visit a pub and have a
glass of wine.

As he sat down enjoying his wine, soon enough, a very beautiful
attractive young lady came to his table, asked him something in French
(which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair.

He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in PUNJABI-HINDI-
ENGLISH but she did not speak or know any of these languages. So,
after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a
napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it her. She
nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another
napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.

They left the pub and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group
playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took
another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and
they got up to dance.

They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up. Then,
after they were back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and
drew a picture of a bed.

Till this day, the Sardar is trying to figure out how she knew he was
in the furniture business

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XX - Adult Puns!

When a horse playing golfer named Trey
Goosed a girl in the rough one fine day,
He found her, though willing,
Just barely fulfilling...
"I would rate her," said Trey, "a par lay."

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always count on the
support of Paul.
Of course, Paul's support is obvious, but it is equally obvious that
to rob from Peter to pay Paul will make Peter very, very angry.
My question is this,
"How can you run a good government with a sore Peter?

Sperm in a gay relationship become claustrophobic because there is no
womb to move around in.

In Britain, Debenhams department store reports that sales of sexy
lingerie as Valentine gifts are far outstripping sales of expensive
roses and chocolates.
A spokeswoman said,
"Lingerie is less expensive, lasts longer, and provides hours of fun
after the rose petals have wilted. It really is the gift that keeps
giving, and it gives buyers a bigger 'bang for their buck.'"
We are talking British couples.
So, don't expect that big a bang.
Valentine roses are a rip-off,
But lingerie is only a rip-off, if you rip it off."

If Dracula hired a lady of the evening, could she be considered,
"Down for the count"?

This young couple have been trying to have a baby.
After six months they complain to the doctor that they just aren't
having any luck.
"What position are you in when you ejaculate?" the physician asks
Frank, the husband. "What's 'ejaculate'?" asks Frank.
"Well, uh, that's when you climax and semen is emitted," explained the
doctor patiently. The young man looks puzzled for a few moments then
asks,
"Do you mean the gooey white stuff? Well, my little honey says it's
icky, so I shoot it into the pillow."

My Love for you is like diarrhoea because I can't hold it in.

A man and his girlfriend are having a sexual encounter.
He asks her to "go downtown."
So, with a sigh, she gets on her knees in front of him and starts
peering at his genitals, looking and tipping her head this way and
that, studying the whole business.
After about five minutes of this, he asked her in a sort of peeved voice,
"Well, just what are you doing?"
She replied,
"I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown with no money - just looking."

If you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy,
You get a red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

A man walked into my office carrying a strange looking bottle.
"What's that?" I asked.
"It's a bizarre product we found."
"What does it do?"
"It is supposed to be a topical lovemaking aid for women," he said
examining the bottle. "When applied to the... ER... Umm... Clitoris, a
rush of blood is let in and the woman is supposed to experience
pleasures she's never dreamed of."
"Gimme that stuff!" I said grabbing it out of his hand. I looked at
the directions for use.
It said:
Apply liberally with tongue.

Pizza delivery men come in 30 minutes or it's free.

A happily married man, one night, asked his wife to have sex "doggy style."
"No!" she said, aghast.
Throughout their long relationship, he would periodically ask her to
have sex "doggy style."
She always emphatically said,
"No!"
Finally, on the man's deathbed, he asked his wife why she refused his
simple request to have sex on her hands and knees.
"Hands and knees?" she said, "I thought you meant in the front yard!"

These days the only real "safe sex" involves going out with a man
who's impotent.

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Puns of the Day!

The incontinent Scotsman had a wee accident.

Two bees ran into each other.
One asked the other how things were going.
"Really badly," said the second bee. "The weather has been wet and
there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey."
"No problem," said the first bee. "Just fly down five blocks and then
turn left and keep on until you see all the cars. There's a Bar
Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh
fruit."
"Thanks for the tip," said the second bee, as she flew away.
A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again and the first bee asked
"How'd it go?"
"Fine," said the second bee. "It was everything you said it would be."
"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.
"That's my yarmulke," said the second bee. "I didn't want them to
think I was a wasp."

If you're swimming and get tangled in seaweed, sea kelp.

There was once a wise man who loved a beautiful maiden, but she lived
in a marsh where his car always got stuck and, besides, her father had
a gun, so he never did get close enough to tell her of his passion.
However, she had a more energetic suitor who purchased amphibious
tires for his car and, when her father was asleep, speedily carried
her off.
Moral:
Treads rush in where wise men fear to fool.

"You'll never believe this,. If you play a Windows 7 CD backwards, you
can hear all kind of Satanic messages!"
"That's nothing. If you play it forwards, it actually installs Windows
7. How evil is that?"

Robin Hood and his merry men were in Sherwood Forest one night
celebrating, and imbibing.
They all became inebriated, and then Friar Tuck began to sing.
He became louder with each drink.
Robin Hood, fearing that the Sheriff of Nottingham might hear the
band, dragged the Friar deep into the woods.
He then tucked him into the river, but the song lingered on.
The moral of the story?
You can lead a drunk to water but you can't make him hoarse.

He is not "BALDING" -
He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

Finishing up our work at a trade show in San Diego, my co-worker
Maureen and I decided to go sightseeing across the border in Tijuana,
Mexico.
While there, we went shopping and bought a few pieces of clay kitchenware.
As we crossed back into the United States, a customs official asked if
we had anything of value to report.
"Not really," Maureen replied, digging in her bag for the bean crock
she had purchased. Everyone around us froze as she continued,
"I only bought a little pot."

"Doctor, you've got to help me. I think I'm a toilet bowl."
"Relax. You're fine, but you do look a little flushed."
"How's it going?" I asked a regular customer as he stepped into my coffee shop.
"Not great," he answered. "I'm looking for a new job."
"What happened to the one at the spice factory?"
"Oh, that," he said. "It was just seasonal."

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Seven months pregnant, my hand on my aching back, I stood in line at
the post office for what seemed an eternity.
"Honey," said a woman behind me, "I had back pain during my pregnancy
too. I was bedridden for four months because my baby was sitting on a
nerve."
Then the man in front of me piped up....
"You'd better get used to it now. Once those kids get on your nerves,
they can stay there till they're 18."

The apostles' carpooled in a Honda.
"The Apostles were in one Accord."

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E-Bay Ripoff !!! Caution !!!

A friend spent $50 on E-bay for a penis enlarger.

Bastards sent him a magnifying glass.

I knew you would be in the market so I wanted to warn you.

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Velantime's Day

In spite of what you have been told, Valentine's Day actually
originated hundreds of years ago in India, and to top it all,
in the state of  Gujarat.

It is a well known fact that Gujarati men, specially the Patels,
continually mistreat and disrespect their wives (Patelianis).  One
fine day, (it happened to be the 14th day of February) one brave
Patelani, having had enough "torture" by her husband, finally chose to
rebel by beating him up with a Velan (rolling pin used to prepare
chapattis).
Yes....the same Velan which she used daily, to make chapattis for
him.... only this time, instead of the dough, it was the husband who
was flattened.

This was a momentous occasion for all Gujarati women and a revolt soon
spread, like wild fire, with thousands of housewives beating up their
husbands with the Velan.  There was an outburst of moaning
"chapatti-ed" husbands all over Anand and Amdavad.

The Patel men-folk quickly learnt their lesson and started to behave
more respectfully to their Patelanis.

Thereafter, on 14th February every year, the womenfolk of Gujarat
would beat up their husbands, to commemorate that eventful day - the
wives having the satisfaction of beating up their husbands with the
Velan and the men having the supreme joy of submitting to the will of
the women they loved.

Soon the Gujju men realised that in order to avoid this ordeal they
needed to present gifts to their wives....they brought flowers and
sweets.  This is how the tradition - Velan time - began.

As Gujarat fell under the influence of Western culture, the ritual
soon spread to Britain and many other Western countries, specifically,
the catch words 'Velan time' !!!  In course of time and their foreign
tongues, this got anglicized to 'Velantime' and then to 'Valentine.'
And thereafter, 14th of February came to be known as Valentine's Day
and now you know the true story of Valentine's Day.

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XX - Adult Puns!

So, he asked me what I wanted, and I told him,
"A long, strong, stiff one."
You should have seen his face when I said,
"I meant a drink!"

WalMart will soon offer a line of makeup called GeoGirl for 8- to 12-year-olds.
It includes a cleanser, mineral blush, eye shadow, lash mascara, face
shimmer and more.
They're described as "mother approved" cosmetics formulated for young
skin, with natural ingredients  to prevent aging.
By "mother-approved," they mean Lindsay Lohan's mother.

Thomas Gladstone, a stockbroker, received an urgent phone call one afternoon.
"My name is Walters," the caller announced. "About two weeks ago, my
wife got this crazy idea and started walking the street, asking me to
procure customers for her."
"Just a minute," Gladstone protested. "You want Dr. Gladstone the
psychiatrist. His name is right below mine in the phone book. Many
people dial me by mistake."
"No mistake," came the reply. "I want you to invest all the money we're making.

Nurses make poor lovers because they always wait for the swelling to go down!

Did you hear about the new study that says,
"Sex decreases your chances of getting a cold?" the more sex you have,
the less chance you'll have a cold.
Now every time a woman sneezes, I hear someone say,
"Hey, I got something for that."

A lesbian holds her liquor by the ears.

A blonde patient was being counseled by the doctor at the local  health clinic.
"Until the penicillin cleans out your infection, you  can't have any
relations whatsoever!" The young girl replied,
"Okay, but what about friends and neighbours?"

Man said to wife
"Alright you sexy thing, upstairs now"
She looked at him and said
"Ooh, you kinky bastard"
He said
"No, seriously, hockey is starting, now F off'!

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THE CASE AGAINST LORD KRISHNA

A nun in Warsaw, Poland, filed a case against ISKCON (International
Society for Krishna Consciousness). The case came up in court. The nun
remarked that ISKCON was spreading its activities and gaining
followers in Poland. She wanted ISKCON banned because its followers
were  glorifying a character called Krishna "who had loose morals,"
having married 16,108 women.

The ISKCON defendant to the Judge: "Please ask the nun to repeat the
oath she took when she was ordained as a nun."

The Judge asked the nun to recite the oath loudly. She would not. The
ISKCON man asked whether he could read out the oath for the nun.

Go ahead, said the judge.

The oath said in effect that 'she (the nun) is married to Jesus Christ'.

The ISKCON man said, "Your Lordship! Lord Krishna is alleged to have
'married' 16,000 women. There are more than a million nuns who assert
that they are married to Jesus Christ. Between the two, Krishna and
the nuns, who has a loose character?"

The case was dismissed right away!!

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A VALENTINE STORY

He loved her very much.
He wanted this Valentine's day to be special,
So, he had ordered a bottle of her favourite liquor imported from
France and it had arrived in time for the occasion.
On his way home,  he stopped at the local florist.
He had planned to have a bouquet made with her favourite flower, white anemones.
But to his dismay, he found that the florist had sold all her flowers
and had only a few sterns of feathery ferns left for decoration.
In a moment of inspiration, he had the answer.
He asked the florist to make a bouquet using the flask of liquor
instead of flowers and what she produced was magnificent well beyond
his expectations.
He added a card, and proceeded home.
When he arrived, his wife was beautiful in her most elegant gown, and
it was apparent that she had spent much of the day preparing a
romantic candlelight dinner for the two of them.
He presented her with his gift, and she opened the card to read,
"Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder."
With a tear in her eye, she whispered to him lovingly,
"Yes, and with fronds like these, who needs anemones."

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Sardar is back!

Sardar: I haven't slept all nite in the train.
Friend: Why?
Sardar: Got upper berth.
Friend: Why didn't u exchange?
Sardar: Oye! There was nobody to exchnge in the lower  berth.

Sardarji standing below a tube light with an open mouth.
Why?
Because his doctor advised him:
"Today's dinner should be light !"

What does a Sardar do after taking a xerox?
He will compare it with the original for any spelling mistakes.

Why can't sardars dial Nine-Eleven (911) at emergency?
They cannot find the eleven on the phone.

Sardar and his wife buy coffee in a shop.
Sardar: Drink quickly.
Wife: Why?
Sardar: Hot coffee Rs 5 and cold coffee Rs 10

Sardar visits Chinese friend dying in hospital.
Man says "Chin Yu Yan" and dies.
Sardar goes to China to find meaning of friend's Last Words.
It is "You are standing on the oxygen tube!"

Sardarji was standing in front of the mirror with his eyes closed.
Wife: What you are doing?
Sardar: I am seeing how I look while sleeping.

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Smart Ass Answers

It was mealtime during an airline flight.  'Would you like dinner?'
the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.  'What are my
choices?'  John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and
he opened his trench coat and flashed her.  Without missing a beat,
she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for
speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,'
the officer said. The kid replied, 'Yeah, well, I got here as fast as
I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on
his way without a ticket.

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now
class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I
might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness,
or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!'  A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his
hand and asked,  'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was
suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'  The entire
class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was
restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head
and sweetly said,  'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with
your other hand.'

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not
happy with what she sees and says to her husband,  'I feel horrible; I
look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.

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XX Adult Puns!

I'll bet Facebook would be even more popular if there were a way to
add Friends With Benefits.
MTV's new series "Skins," shows young teens having sex, drinking and
doing drugs., MTV has lost sponsors due to accusations that it's child
porn.
"Skins'" creator Bryan Eisley defends it as an old-fashioned TV series
about how teenagers get through high school.
It's old fashioned because the teenagers have sex with each other
instead of their teachers.

Hey Boss,
Thanks for the reference letter.
I appreciate the effort but I have to wonder if there was a transcription error.
Did you mean to write, "He would be an asshat in any position?"

A traveling salesman on business in West Virginia met a young lady in
a bar, and invited her to his room.
As she was disrobing, he said,
"Say, how old are you?"
"Thirteen." she said.
"Thirteen?! My God! You're a child! Put your clothes back on right now
and get out of here!"
On her way out the door, the confused nymphet paused, turned to him,
and said, "You're superstitious, right?"

What do a blonde and a good beer have in common?
They both go down easy.

I asked my Grandma if she ever tried 69.
And she said,
"No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night."

The major difference between wives and husbands who are trying to have
children is wives want to videotape the birth of their child while
husbands want to videotape the conception.

Height of Technology:
A condom with a zipper.

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How is Norma?

A sweet grandmother
telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked,
"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said,
"I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said,
"Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied,
"Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,
 "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well.
Her surgery went
well; her blood work just came back normal and her
doctor has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said,
"Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good
news."

The operator replied,
"You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said," No, I'm Norma in room 302. No one tells me shit."

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Companies and their birth....

There are many companies / brands / products whose names were derived
from strange circumstances.

Mercedes
This was actually the financier's daughter's name.

Adobe
This came from name of the river Adobe Creek that ran behind the house
of founder John Warnock.

Apple Computers
It was the favorite fruit of founder Steve Jobs. He was three months
late in filing a name for the
business, and he threatened to call his company Apple Computers if the
other colleagues didn't
suggest a better name by 5 O'clock.

CISCO
It is not an acronym as popularly believed. It is short for San Francisco .

Compaq
This name was formed by using COMp, for computer, and PAQ to denote a
small integral object.

Corel
The name was derived from the founder's name Dr.Michael Cowpland. It stands for
COwpland REsearch Laboratory.

Google
The name started as a joke boasting about the amount of information
the search-engine would be able to
search. It was originally named 'Googol', a word for the number
represented by 1 followed by 100 zeros.
After founders- Stanford graduate students Sergey Brin and Larry Page
presented their project to an angel
investor, they received a cheque made out to 'Google'

Hotmail
Founder Jack Smith got the idea of accessing e-mail via the web from a
computer anywhere in the world.
When Sabeer Bhatia came up with the business plan for the mail
service, he tried all kinds of names ending
in 'mail' and finally settled for hotmail as it included the letters
"html" - the programming language used to
write web pages. It was initially referred to as HoTMaiL with
selective uppercasing.

Hewlett Packard
Bill Hewlett and Dave Packard tossed a coin to decide whether the
company they founded would be called
Hewlett-Packard or Packard-Hewlett.

Intel
Bob Noyce and Gordon Moore wanted to name their new company 'Moore
Noyce'but that was already trademarked
by a hotel chain so they had to settle for an acronym of INTegrated ELectronics.

Lotus (Notes)
Mitch Kapoor got the name for his company from 'The Lotus Position' or
'Padmasana'. Kapoor used to be a
teacher of Transcendental Meditation of Maharishi Mahesh Yogi.

Microsoft
Coined by Bill Gates to represent the company that was devoted to
MICROcomputer SOFTware. Originally
christened Micro-Soft, the '-' was removed later on.

Motorola
Founder Paul Galvin came up with this name when his company started
manufacturing radios for cars. The
popular radio company at the time was called Victrola.

ORACLE
Larry Ellison and Bob Oats were working on a consulting project for
the CIA (Central Intelligence
Agency). The code name for the project was called Oracle (the CIA saw
this as the system to give answers
to all questions or something such). The project was designed to help
use the newly written SQL code by
IBM. The project eventually was terminated but Larry and Bob decided
to finish what they started and bring
it to the world. They kept the name Oracle and created the RDBMS
engine. Later they kept the same name for
the company.

Sony
It originated from the Latin word 'sonus' meaning sound, and 'sonny' a
slang used by Americans to refer
to a bright youngster.

SUN
Founded by 4 Stanford University buddies SUN is the acronym for
Stanford University Network. Andreas
Bechtolsheim built a microcomputer; Vinod Khosla recruited him and
Scott McNealy to manufacture
computers based on it, and Bill Joy to develop a UNIX-based OS for the computer.

Yahoo!
The word was invented by Jonathan Swift and used in his book
'Gulliver's Travels'. It represents a person
who is repulsive in appearance and action and is barely human. Yahoo!
Founders Jerry Yang and David
Filo selected the name because they considered themselves yahoos.

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XX - Adult Puns!

Love is complicated machinery.
But sometimes all you need is a good screw to fix it.

Way down in the deep south, in an area known as the 'Bible Belt,'
there lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation.
One morning, after a particularly moving sermon, he announced,
"Friends I have been hearing very nasty rumours!"
The crowd fell into an expectant silence.
The Minister continued,
"One of you, here among us, has been reporting that I am a member of
the dreaded 'Klu Klux Klan.'
This, of course, is not true!
I am asking that the guilty party confess and apologize now - right
here - before my flock of loyal followers."
Sister Margaret quickly stood up and pleaded,
"Preacher, please, I don't know how this all came to be. I just
mentioned to one of my close friends that... You were a wizard under
the sheets."

Japan leads the world in advanced toilet technology that even washes
and perfumes your rear end.
But now, they've taken it a step further by introducing urinal games.
They're testing four games at pubs and arcades.
All involve a pressure sensor to detect the urine so the player can
control the game. They include:
"Splashing Battle," which lets men compete with the last user in
stream strength;
"Graffiti Eraser," which lets men move their urine stream to erase
digital graffiti from a video screen; and what is likely to prove most
popular,
"The North Wind And The Sun And Me,"
In which the strength of the man's urine stream determines how high a
virtual girl's skirt gets blown up by a digital wind.
They held a tournament of champions, but the winner was disqualified
for doping after he tested positive for Flomax.

Did you hear about the army nurse who went to bed eating popcorn and
woke up with a kernel between her legs.

The attractive young woman was sitting at the bar alone, when the
lounge lizard made his move.
"I'm here," he breathed huskily, "to fulfil your every sexual fantasy."
The woman turned and looked at him.
Her lips parted and she moistened them with the tip of her tongue.
She leaned toward him with her hands on her thighs, and her eyes
opened to the size of dinner plates.
She paused just a second and then delivered the crusher line,
"You've got a large donkey and a Doberman?"
The guy turned as green as his golf slacks and slipped away without a word!

DECOY:
A flashlight in the pants pocket.

My ex had only one thing on his mind.
I was in the bedroom reading, and he was in the den watching TV when
he yelled, "C'mere! C'mere! Ya gotta see this!"
So I went.
Jill:
What on Earth was it?
Mary:
It was a sword swallower showing how to suppress your gag reflex when
something is shoved down your throat!

To people who are inclined to say,
"I couldn't give a rat's ass,"
I would really like to answer,
"That's okay; I wouldn't want to deprive you of any of your rats' asses."

The handsome construction worker considered himself quite the stud,
and indeed had no trouble persuading a good-looking recent
acquaintance to come back to his apartment.
After making love to her, he rolled over and lit a cigarette.
His self-satisfied smile vanished, however, when the woman hopped out
of bed and snapped,
"You may look like Mel Gibson, but you're lousy in the sack."
The indignant fellow snapped,
"I don't see what makes you such an expert after only forty-five seconds!"

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

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Puns of the Day...

Two women archeologists are down in Mexico excavating an ancient Mayan
burial ground looking for some remains to take back to their museum.
Unfortunately, everything they run across is badly decomposed.
One of the women says,
"We don't seem to be having much luck here, are we?"
The other replies,
"Just keep on digging, honey, a good Mayan is hard to find!"

A young couple's marriage was suffering from her inability to cook.
Things really got bad the night that the husband fished a piece of
paper out of what was supposed to be a stew.
He unfolded the paper and read,
"Nobly, nobly Cape St. Vincent to the North-west died away."
Waving the soggy scrap, he demanded,
"What the hock is, this?"
"Well," the young wife replied, "the recipe said that if the stew was
too thin I should add Browning!"

When creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal
husbands would be found in all corners of the world.
And then He made the Earth round.

On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for
their long and happy marriage.
The husband said,
"I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no "I" in the
word 'marriage.'"'
The wife said,
"For my part, I have never corrected my husband's spelling."

He used to kiss her on the lips, but it's all over now.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

My cousin was behind the bakery's cash register one morning when a
gunman burst in and demanded all the cash.
As she nervously handed over the money, she noticed the rolls of coins
in the back of the register.
"Do you want the rolls too?" she asked.
"No," said the robber, waving his gun. "Just the money."

A will is a dead giveaway.

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XX - Adult Puns!

Kevin said to his friend James,
"I'm breaking up with Sherry!"
"Are you crazy? Sherry is a beautiful and smart woman!" said James.
Kevin responded,
"Last night Sherry broke down and told me she was bisexual, and who
the hell wants to screw just twice a year?"

A female personnel director became very embarrassed when interviewing
a male job applicant, she asked her assistant,
"Do I have an opening this man will fit?"

I got kicked out of the Boy Scouts for eating a brownie.

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man,
"Holy crap. That must be my husband!"
So, the guy quickly jumped out of the bed, scared and naked he jumped
out the window like a crazy man.
He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and then
started to run as fast as he could to his car.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and
screamed at the woman,
"I am your husband!"
The woman yelled back,
"Yeah, then why were you running?"
And that, folks, is how the fight started.

Have you heard about the fellow who was delivering an outhouse?
He had a good head on his shoulders.

"And then he had the nerve to ask me, 'Do you spit or swallow?'"
"Oh, geez! What did you say?"
"I said, 'Neither. I bite!'"

Just as he was leaving for work, the man's wife told him that there
was a leak in the plumbing.
He told her to call a plumber and have it fixed.
When he got to work, he gave her a call and asked,
"Has the plumber come yet?"
She replied,
"Not quite, but I have him breathing hard."

The most popular guy at a nude beach is the guy who can carry two cups
of coffee and seven donuts.
The most popular girl at the nude beach is the girl who can eat the
seventh donut.

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You've just got to love the British sense of humour.

This is very un pc but very funny.

Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque..
They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.
============================================
Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by
mistake - both are in intensive care...
One has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma..
=============================================
During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree.
A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said "We didn't even know
they were living up there".
=============================================
Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not
enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is
being shown 5 times a week now.
=============================================
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a
fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "what's up Abdul, won't it start?"
=============================================
A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates..

He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.
Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.

"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.

"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that
rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the
ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room
where he meets another bearded man.

He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the
ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets
another man with a beard.

Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up."

Mohammed higher than Jesus!

The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.
Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard
and repeats his question:

"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath
from all his
climbing.

"No my son.....I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"

"Yes, please, my Lord."

God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:

"Hey Mohammed, two coffees !!!!"

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XX - Good Adult Ones...

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking
about their love lives.
One woman said,
"I call my husband the dentist.
Nobody can drill like he does."
The second woman giggled and confessed,
"I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."
The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked,
"Say, what do you call your husband?"
She frowned and said,
"The postman.
He always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."

~~~~~~~

A survey ran by The Irish Institute of Women's Rights based in
Shannon, Ireland found that over 92 percent of the women suffering
from spousal abuse had one factor in common:
None of them knew when to shut the Fxxk up.

~~~~~~~

When my kids were little I couldn't wait for them to get older.
They were in such constant need of attention I fantasized about the
day when they would be independent enough to leave me the hell alone
for five minutes.
The optimism of inexperience.
When they were little they were easy to take care of.
If I wanted to keep track of any of them I just locked them in the car
seat or the high chair.
I always knew where they were.
I could carry them wherever I wanted to go.
Now they're all over the place.
I don't know why I thought they would be more independent, because
they are constantly at my elbow, asking for money, asking for rides,
asking for new clothes, asking for toys, asking for help with their
homework!
I was complaining about this to the wife who cautioned me that when
they do finally start to become really independent, driving, spending
all day at school and sports and eventually going college, that I am
going to suffer from empty nest syndrome.
"No problem," I answered, "I'll just get a dog and a mistress."

~~~~~~~

"Two people won the Mega Millions lottery.
Playing the lottery is just gambling.
I don't need money to be happy.
I get my happiness from the small things — literally, midgets." -Craig Ferguson

~~~~~~~

On the first day of the school term the shop teacher was surprised to
see a rather proper-looking young lady sitting in the front row of his
classroom.
Her name was Emily and she was the only girl to sign up for the woodwork class.
The bemused teacher asked her if she was sure she was in the right class.
Emily assured him that she was.
The teacher, still somewhat puzzled, added,
"This course may be a bit out of your league. Do you have any
experience at all working with tools?"
"What exactly do you mean?" Emily asked.
"Well, for example, do you know the difference between a nail, a screw
and a bolt?" the teacher expounded.
After pondering for a moment, Emily admitted,
"I can't really say, since I've never been 'bolted'."

~~~~~~~

I met a girl in the park the other evening.
There was an instant spark between us,
And she immediately dropped to her knees
And laid on the grass at my feet.
And as we lay making love, I thought...
"These taser guns are so worth the money."

~~~~~~~

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of
women is hitting from the ladies' tee.
The ladies are taking their time.
When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet.
Then she goes over and whiffs it completely.
Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.
She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically,
"I guess all those fxxcking lessons I took over the winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately responds,
"Well, there you have It. You should have taken golf lessons instead!"
He never even had a chance to duck.
He was 43...

~~~~~~~

A salesman went to the door of a young couple one day and rang the doorbell.
After 3 rings and no answer, he assumed no one was home and decide to leave.
He happened to pass by an open window and saw the couple naked on the sofa.
Being a pervert, he peered closer to get a better look.
He noticed the woman was sitting with her legs wide open, shaving her
pubic area while staring at her husband.
He, on the other hand, was naked, stroking himself, shaking his head
wildly back and forth with his free hand splashing in the fish tank.
The salesman was embarrassed when a neighbour walked up and found him
peeping. "These people need help!" said the sales-man.
"No, they don't," replied the neighbour. "They're deaf, and the wife
is just telling her husband he needs to cut the grass, but the husband
is telling the wife 'Fuck no! I'm
going fishing.'"

~~~~~~~

A guy and a girl are lying in a bed after just having sex.
The girl lays on her side of the bed and rests.
The guy goes to his side of the bed and says to himself,
"Man, oh Man, I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin."
The girl overhears him talking to himself and asks,
"Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?"
"Well," the guy explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with
the woman I love to lose my virginity."
Astounded, the girl replies,
"So you really love me?"
"Oh, God no!" the guy says. "I just got sick of waiting."

 

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Chinese Wisdom

When without money, eat wild vegetables at home;
When have money, eat same wild vegetables in fine restaurant.

When without money, ride bicycle;
When have money, ride exercise machine.

When without money, wish to get married;
When have money, wish to get divorced.

When without money, wife becomes secretary;
When have money, secretary becomes wife.

When without money, act like rich man;
When with money, act like poor man.

Man, O Man, never tells the truth:

Says share market is bad but keeps speculating;
Says money is evil but keeps accumulating.

Says high positions are lonely but keeps wanting them.

Says smoking & drinking is bad but keeps partaking;
Says heaven is good but refuse to go.

What is life about?

1 .. At one, YOU are the top priority
10   At ten, academic excellence is the top priority
20   At twenty, getting dates is the top priority
30   At thirty, a good career is top priority
40   At forty, keeping your body in shape is top priority
50   At fifty, keeping up with competition with others is top priority
60   At sixty, having a united family is top priority
70   At seventy, remembering something is top priority
80   At eighty, moving around is top priority
90   At ninety, knowing directions is top priority
100 At 100, having a nice portrait of yours on the wall is top priority!

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The Lost Bagpiper

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to
play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so
the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country. As I
was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I
didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the preacher man had evidently
gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt
badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave
and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else
to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out
my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've
never played before for this homeless man.

As I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I
wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and
started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened
the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like
that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

                        Apparently I'm still lost....

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Should I really join Facebook? (priceless)

 A good laugh for people in the over 60 group !!!
Also for those who know people like us.

When I bought my Blackberry I thought about the 30-year business I ran
with 1,800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes
videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter.

I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids,
their spouses, 13 grand-kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate
with me in the modern way.
I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140
characters of space.

That was before one of my grand-kids hooked me up for Tweeter,
Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck,
Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and
every other program within the text-ing world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of
everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation.
I am not ready to live like this.
I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get
lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library.
I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's
red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive.
I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to
my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me.
I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady
inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into
in a long time.
Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating."
You would think that she could be nicer.
It was like she could barely tolerate me.
She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at
the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead.
Well, it was not a good relationship.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of
the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone
as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the
cordless phones in our house.
We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I
can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under
chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets
when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me.
They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store.
You would think they could settle on something themselves but this
sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a
loop.
I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused,
but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them.
When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?"
I just say,
"Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual."
Then, it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.
I was recently asked if I tweet.
I answered,
No, but I do toot a lot."

P.S.
I know some of you are not over 60.
I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are.

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New version of happy endings with a corrected answer

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night,
when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the
bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there
could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of
a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus
you should save her first.

Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and
this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.

However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS......

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble
coming up with his answer.

He simply answered:

'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady
to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the
partner of my dreams.'

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought
limitations.

Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'

HOWEVER....,

The correct answer is:

To run the old lady over and put her out of her misery because Obama's
health care won't pay for her hospital visit anyway,

Have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car,

Then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

 I just love happy endings!

Remember,

"Think Outside Of The Box."

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How fast can you guess these words?

How fast can you guess these words?

1. F _  _ K
2. P U _ S _
3. S _ X
4 P _ N _ S
5. B O O _ S
6. _  _ N D O M

 Answers:

1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM

You got all 6 wrong...

Didn't   you?

 ME TOO

Have a nice day!!!

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A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A CEYLONESE

Do you remember these items and places?

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A CEYLONESE

I was weened on LACTOGEN powdered milk when I was a baby.
I was also given WOODWARDS GRIPE WATER.
Now I am in my teens.
Woke up this morning, I was sleeping on a mattress made by ARPICO.
I listened to Reddifusion, because my GRUNDIG radio was broken.
Washed my face with RANI SANDALWOOD SOAP.
The servants wash in SUNLIGHT SOAP.
Brushed my teeth with PEPSODENT.
Put BRYLCREAM and combed my hair.
I put a dab of CUTICURA powder on my face.
I put on my VELONA banian.
I wore my HENTLY shirt since my MANHATTEN shirt  was being dry cleaned
at SITLANIS as BURTOLS was closed for the day.
I put on my BATA shoes.
I walked through the hall which was being polished with CARDINAL POLISH.
I then had a breakfast of toast with CHIVERS MARMALADE JAM and another
slice with LYLE'S GOLDEN SYRUP and washed it down with HORLICKS.
I then took a tablespoon of RADIO MALT and another teaspoon of FERADOL.
As I had cut my finger, I put some DETTOL which I had bought at the
CITY DISPENSARY.
While I was there, I also got some PERTUSSIN for my cough and also
PHILIPS MILK OF MAGNESIA for my stomach ache.
I had a headache, so I put on some 4711 EAU DE COLOGNE on my head and
took an ASPRO.
I then got on my RALEIGH sports bicycle and went to SENEVIRATNAS in
PETTAH to buy a toy for my nephew.
While there I stopped at the FIREWORKS PALACE and bought some sky-rockets.
I also went to the RUPEE STORE and F.X. PEREIRAS and did some shopping.
At lunch time I had buriyani at PILAWOOS and bought some house paint
at D.L.M.MOHAMEDS.
I then went to the FOUNTAIN CAFE and had a KNICKERBOCKER GLORY.
Since I was planning for a party, I ordered the ice cream from
ELEPHANT HOUSE and the short eats from PERERA AND SONS and GREEN
CABIN.
I also had the servant go to the market and buy some UNDERCUT beef.
I smoked a CAPSTAN cigarette and went to ALERICS for another ice cream.
I parked my bike and got on my VESPA and bought some flowers from
BOWERS FLORIST.
The sewing lady was using our new NECHI SUPERNOVA AUTOMATICA sewing
machine while seated under the USHA ceiling fan.
I drank some ORANGE BARLEY, since there was no LANKA LIME and listened
to RADIO CEYLON .
The servant was putting on an OSRAM bulb, so I poured a drink of BLACK
AND WHITE scotch whiskey and ate some CHEESELETS.
I also had some PEAK FREAN biscuits with some KRAFT cheese.
I was getting a cold so I took a whiff of my VICKS inhaler.
I then wore my new suit from from WEST END DRAPERY STORES and went to
the EIGHTY CLUB and met some friends who took me to the GALLE FACE
HOTEL where we drank some LION LAGER.
We then went to the balcony of the SAVOY CINEMA where they were
showing THE GREATEST SHOW ON EARTH.
We ended up at LION HOUSE for egg hoppers.
I finally went home and rubbed some TIGER BALM on my body and drank
some BOVRIL and went to sleep on my ARPICO mattress and dreamed of
going to America, where there are none of the things mentioned!
That is life!

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The South-- You Gotta Love It.

     Alabama

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos
for the day.

That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the
weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke of some kind.  He's a couple of miles back up the
trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

" A tough call," nodded the hunter.  "But I figured no one is going to
steal Henry!"

Georgia

The owner of a golf course in  Georgia was confused about paying an
invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical
help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the
University of Georgia and I need some help.  If I were to give you
$20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

Louisiana

A senior at Louisiana  was overheard saying ... "When the end of the
world comes, I hope to be in  Louisiana ..."

When asked why, he replied, "I 'd rather be in Louisiana because
everything happens in  Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of
the civilized world."

  Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to
his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the
parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"

The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

South Carolina

A man in  South Carolina  had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of
the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the
car and one behind it.

Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he
turned around and went back.  He asked the fellow what the problem
was.

The man replied, "I have a flat tire."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in
the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."

   Tennessee

A  Tennessee  State  trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.

The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

  Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his
pick-up into the ditch.

The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch?  Don't
you see that sign right over your head."

"Yep", he replied.  "That's why I dumpin it here, cause it says:
'Fine For Dumping Garbage'."

You can say what you want about the South,

But you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North.

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letters that are ironically awesome

Dear Noah,

We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.

Sincerely, Unicorns

Dear Twilight fans,

Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood
pumping through them, they can never get an erection.

Enjoy fantasizing about that.

Sincerely, Logic

Dear Icebergs,

Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.

Sincerely, The Titanic

Dear J.K. Rowling,

Your books are entirely unrealistic. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?

Sincerely, Anonymous

Dear America,

You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.

Sincerely, Canada

Dear Boyfriend,

I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.

Sincerely, Spiders

Dear Voldemort ,

So they screwed up your nose too?

Sincerely, Michael Jackson

Dear Yahoo,

I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying...

Sincerely, Google

Dear girls who have been dumped,

There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.

Sincerely, BP

Dear 2010,

So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!

Sincerely, 1985

Dear Justin Bieber ,

Ariel would really love her voice back.

Sincerely, King Triton

Dear Rose,

There was definitely room on that raft for the both of us.

Sincerely, Jack

Dear Windshield Wipers,

Can't touch this.

Sincerely, That Little Triangle

Dear Taylor Swift,

If it is of any interest to you, Romeo and Juliet both kill themselves
in the end.

Sincerely, Shakespeare

Dear Soccer Fans,

B B B B B B Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z

Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z!

Sincerely, Vuvuzelas

Dear Saturn,

I liked it, so I put a ring on it.

Sincerely, God

Dear Rubik's Cube,

Done!

Sincerely, Colorblind

Dear Santa,

Please tell me how you managed to stop at three Ho's.

Sincerely, Tiger Woods

Dear Boys Wearing Skinny Jeans,

I. Can't. Breathe.

Sincerely, Your Balls

Dear Martin Luther King Jr.,

I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream... What now?

Sincerely, Leonardo DiCaprio

Dear Sleeping Beauty,

I had to join the army, dress up like a man, defeat the hun army and
totally save China for my man.

All you had to do was wake up.

Sincerely, Mulan

Dear Romeo,

My death isn't the only thing I've been faking...

Sincerely, Juliet

Dear Fox News,

So far, no news about foxes.

Sincerely, Unimpressed

Dear Sex Educators,

Abstinence is only 99.99% effective.

Sincerely, The Virgin Mary

Dear Toaster,

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn?

Sincerely, Toast

Dear Prince Charming,

You've got some explaining to do!

Sincerely, Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel, and Sleeping Beauty

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XX - Adult Puns!

You know you are getting old when you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

Women never blink during foreplay because they don't have time.

Sadie, a blonde, sent the following email to all her women friends.
"Dear All, I hate hoax warnings, but this one is important!
Please send this warning to all the women friends in your email address book: -
If a man comes to your front door saying he is conducting a survey and
asks you to take off your clothes, dont do it. Its a scam.
He only wants to see you naked.
PS I wish I had got this yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap now.

I overheard my father telling a family friend about my newly-assigned
mission in the U. S. Coast Guard.
I work on a cutter that escorts all cruise ships and international
vessels under the bridges in California's Bay Area.
But what my father told his friend was,
"She's involved in some sort of escort service."

One day, little Mikey comes home from kindergarten for lunch.
Not finding his mother in the kitchen or the living room, he heads
upstairs to check her bedroom.
He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also
come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked,
heavily into the act of lovemaking.
Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong.
Mikey watches, and after a couple of minutes asks,
"Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsie ride? "
"Of course, Son, weÌre a family. "
So, Mikey climbs on, and after a few more minutes his mother starts
moaning and writhing wildly.
"Hang on Dad! " cries Mikey, "This is where me and the mailman usually
fall off! "

What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night?
"Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!"

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X - Paddy loves his vase..

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers.

She opens the  door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.

She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off
and says,  'This is  for the flowers!'

'Don't be silly,' says Paddy,

'You must have a vase somewhere!!!'

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XX - Hooker in Vegas

A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking Vegas
hooker catches his eye.

He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much
do you charge?"

The Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."

The guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap!  No hand-job
is worth that kind of money!"

The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's restaurant on the corner?"

"Yes."

"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"

"Yes."

"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"

"Yes."

"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those.
And I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."

So the guy says, "What the hell?  You only live once.  I'll give it a try."

They retire to a nearby motel.  A short time later, the guy is sitting
on the bed realizing that he has just experienced the hand-job of a
lifetime, worth every bit of $500.

He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"

The hooker replies, "$1,500."

"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"

The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy.  Do you
see that casino just across the street?  I own that casino outright.
And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of
$1,500."

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides
to put off the new car for another year or so and says, "Sign me up."

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.

He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth.

He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and
unforgettable experience.

He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"

The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something.

Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us: All
those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and shows?

"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

No," the hooker replies, "but I would... if I had a pussy"

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BAR vs BRA

What are the similarities of BAR & BRA

1.       Both words have the same letters
2..       Both are drinking zones
3.       Both have restricted timing for opening & closing
4.       More importantly, both makes men crazy when open.

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Naughty Laffs...Adult

Shakespeare happened to be walking in Hyde Park when he observed a
young couple having sex behind a bush.  As it happened a policeman
arrived and arrested the couple. Shakespeare as the main witness was
summoned to court.

The judge said "Mr Shakespeare what did you observe". "Well me lord"
said Shakespeare, "they were f*^king". The judge was shocked at his
language and siad "Mr Shakespeare, this is a court of law and with
your command of the English language, surely you don't have to put it
in such base terms."

"Sorry me lord" said Shakespeare, "give me a minute." Then he said "
let me put it poetically":

"Her frock was raised
Her arse was bare
His balls were dangling in the air
His you know what
Was in her you know where
And if that wasn't f*^king
Then I wasn't there"

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Grand-Children ... An oldie but a goldie!

An oldie but a goldie!

 1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful
eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before.
After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said,
"But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!"
I will  probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about
kissing the toilet paper good-bye....

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday.
He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 67.
My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked,
"Did you start at 1?"

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into
old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.
As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her
patience grew thin.
Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their
room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.
As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
"Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own
childhood was like.
"We used to skate outside on a pond...
I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard.
We rode our pony.  We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed,  taking this all in.
At last she said,
"I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5.  My grandson was visiting one day when he asked,
"Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo and I said,
"No, how are we alike?''
"You're both old," he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's
word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

7.  I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colours yet,
So, I decided to test her.
I would point out  something and ask what colour it was.
She would tell me and was always correct.
It was fun for me,
So, I continued.
At last, she headed for the door, saying,
"Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colours  yourself!"

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept
the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky
insects.
Still, a few fireflies followed us in.
Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered,
"It's no use Grandpa.  Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied,
"I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised
"Mine says I'm 4 to 6."

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother,
"Grandma, guess what?  We learned how to make babies today."  The
grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.
"That's interesting." she said.  "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'I and add 'es'."

11. Children's Logic:
"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.
The small boy wrote:
"The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him.
"Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one
day when a fire truck zoomed past.
Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.
The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close.
"They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived.
"Oh," he said, "She lives at the airport, and when we want her, we
just go get her.  Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her
back to the airport."

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth!
He teaches me good  things,
But I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

15. My Grandparents are funny,
When they bend over,
You  hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.

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XX - Adult Puns!

It's my code," says a mailman named Drew,
"To unzip, then deliver a screw.
If virgins, when nervous,
Resist postal service,
I explain that the male must get through.

When John asked the call girl if she was free tonight, she answered,
"No, but I am reasonable."

The gay sergeant was court-martialled after they caught him playing
with his privates.

Sign outside a whore house:
Married Men not allowed.
We serve the needy, not the greedy.

Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while when the man told the woman
"Well tonight's the night we have sex!"
And so they did.
As they are lying in bed afterward the man thinks to himself:
"My god if I knew she was a virginI would have been much more gentle with her!"
And the woman was thinking to herself:
"My god if I knew the old geezer could actually get it upI would have
taken off my panty hose!"
It used to bother me when people called me a pussy.
But the joke's on them -- after all, you are what you eat!

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an oldie but still good - Prostate Exam

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the
Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the
Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, "I'm
going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little
different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on
your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate,
take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy obeys and says,"99". The doctor says, "Great". Now turn
over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a
deep breath and say, '99". Again, the old guy says, '99'."

The doctor said, "Very good". Now then, I want you to lie on your back
with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with
this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis
to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy begins, "One ... Two ... Three" ....

You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you
stop laughing!!!

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