XX - Adult Puns!

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

Come to think of it, my Grandfather was right, Sex IS dirty --
But only if you do it right!

A sheik employed a track star to run from the palace to his harem,
which was about three miles away, to fetch one of his wives whenever
he was in the mood.
The sheik would nod and the track star would take off.
This event usually took place about three times a day until the runner
died at age 36.
The sheik lived to be 96.
The moral of the story is,
"Sex doesn't kill you...
it's the running after it that does."

Height of laziness:
A guy lying on a girl and waiting for an earthquake to do the rest.

John meets Bill at the bar and he is looking somewhat sheepish and embarrassed.
Bill says,
"Hey John, whats wrong?"
John says,
"I received a party invitation last night and it plainly said 'Black Tie' only.
But when I got there, everyone was wearing suits too!"

A teacher asks an Arkansas redneck girl to use the word "handsome" in
a sentence.
She says,
"When I'm givin' head and my jaw gets sore, I use my handsome."

A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist.
"Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every
time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him.
And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And, no doubt, you want me to
strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."
"For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman.
"I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."

A guy went to his doctor and asked for a prescription for sex-lax.
"You mean 'Ex-lax,' don't you?" laughed the doctor.
"Hell no! I don't have trouble going, I have trouble coming!"

Some friends and I were visiting a nearby city for a football game and
one of the friends was drinking prior to and during the game.
By the time we went to dinner after the game he was "feeling no pain."
Our attractive waitress was wearing a low cut blouse and when she
asked him what he wanted he said,
"I want to get into your pants."
She replied,
"You'll have to wait your turn, sir, there's already one asshole in there."

The lesbian who took Viagra couldn't get her tongue back in her mouth
for a week.

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked
about having a son.. They decided to try one last time for the son
they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife:
'There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked,
"Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mother, "of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell,
"It's okay, Betty, we can play that game again!"

Good girls get fat,
Bad girls get eaten.

Two gays got into a heated argument, with one of them saying,
"Well, you can kiss my ass!"
The other one blurted out,
"This is no time to talk about romance, Bitch!"

A man's walking late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty bucks," she says.
He's never been with a hooker before, so he decides what the hell.
They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them.
It's a police officer.
"What's going on here, people," asks the officer?
"I'm making love to my wife," he answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know," says the cop.
"Well, neither did I until you shined that light in her face."

"Muffin, I feel like making love tonight."
"Okay, I will let you, but be gentle this time."
"But I am always gentle with you, Dearest."
"That's not true.
The last time, you woke me up twice!"