Puns of the Day.

After telling the customs agent he had nothing in his bags but
clothing, Mark was alarmed when the official decided to open them up
and check.
In the very first one she opened, cushioned between his socks was a
bottle of cognac. "Nothing to declare but clothing, huh?"
"Right," Mark extemporized. "That, madam, is my nightcap."

Capitulate:
Put on the lid after the steak sauce gets on the tablecloth.

After meeting with the boss, the head salesperson mustered the troops.
"People," she said, "I've just been informed that we're going to be
having a fire sale."
"A fire sale" spoke up one agent. "But we sell insurance."
"I said a fire sale, and I meant it," she replied. "It's quite simple really:
Anyone who doesn't make a sale gets fired."

Chickens are the only animals you eat before they are born and after
they are dead.

Out in the back country it's very difficult for ranchers camping out
to pick up TV signals so some of them have come up with an innovative
way to address the problem.
Conscious of staying slim, they've already using lots of frozen
low-calorie TV dinners on their trail rides, so they've discovered
they can bend and shape their left over foil trays to pick up TV
signals.
Of course, they call these contraptions by the same name the manufacturer does.
They're "saddle light dishes."

A student essay stated:
"The girl tumbled down the stairs and lay prostitute at the bottom."
In the margin of the paper, the professor commented:
"My dear sir, you must learn to distinguish between a fallen woman and
one who has merely slipped."

A man in Little Rock had a flat tire, pulled onto the side of the
road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car
and one behind it.
Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he
turned around and went back.
He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied,
'I have a flat tire.'
The passerby asked,
'But what's with the flowers?'
The man responded,
'When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and
flares in the back.
I never did understand it neither

"Miss, would you help me?" a customer at a department store asked a
female clerk.
"I would like to purchase a birthday gift for my brother.
What do you suggest for a man who has everything?"
The clerk offered,
"My phone number?"

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these
blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid.
So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to
paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down
to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the
distinctive smell of paint.
He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in
a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at
the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she if OK.
She replies,
Yes.
He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to
him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by
painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said,
"For best results, put on two coats."

You can bet this flight service to the Orient from Northwest Orient
didn't count on its motto rephrased for a Club for glabrous men:
"Is This Any Way To Ruin A Hairline? You Bet It Is!"

A pastor was doing his children's sermon with all the youngsters down
front to hear the lesson.
He was discussing the story of Jonah.
He quoted the scriptures from Jonah 1 and 2:
"And the Lord appointed a great fish to swallow up Jonah; and Jonah
was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights.
Then, Jonah prayed to the Lord his God from the belly of the fish, saying,
'I called to the Lord our of my distress and He answered me.'...
And the Lord spoke to the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land"
(Jonah 1:17; 2:2, 10).
When the pastor finished the quotation, he started trying to solicit
input from the youngsters to help him complete his mini-sermon.
He asked thoughtfully,
"What does the fish vomiting Jonah out on dry land indicate to us today?"
One of the youngsters spoke with great enthusiasm for the entire
congregation to hear,
"It proves that even a fish can't stomach a bad preacher!"

Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will
kill the strongest man.