PUNS OF THE DAY.

On her big day a mother imparts some advice to her daughter:
The three most important things to remember:
1) You walk down the aisle with your father
2) You stop when you get to the altar
3) You sing a hymn. And if you find that difficult to remember then
just recite to yourself...
"AISLE-ALTAR-HYMN. AISLE-ALTAR-HYMN. AISLE-ALTAR-HYMN"

What disease can you get from kissing birds?
Chirpes!
It's can a real disease, and it's untweetable.

It was a warm sunny morning near Chattanooga.
Mr. Forrester had just returned by train from closing the land deal
down in Atlanta, and his manager had assembled a crew of likely farm
hands.
The interview process would begin in about a half-hour and there must
have been fifty or sixty men milling about.
He mounted the dais at the edge of the field.
Looking out at the stable hands, shearers, and other labourers, he
took a breath and called out.
"How many of you are ready to make this the best darn farm east of Nashville?"
A cheer went up, and the arms waved in the air.
Maybe, it was more like eighty.
Forrester turned to the manager.
"Now that's what a call a good show of hands."

David, a  Jewish boy, and Mark, a Catholic boy, were having a conversation.
Mark said,
"I'm getting operated on tomorrow."
"Oh? What are they going to do?"
"Circumcise me!"
 "I had that done when I was just a few days old."
"Did it hurt?"
"Did it hurt! I couldn't walk for a year!"

After the funeral services had ended, the musical soloist lingered
around expecting to get paid.
The executor, realizing this, casually walked over to the wealthy
man's grave-site where the many flowers and decorative plants had been
displayed.
He calmly lifted one of these fancy decorations and handed it over to
her as payment for her contribution to the affair.
She was astonished to realize that this bit of greenery was, in fact,
a garland that had been crafted entirely of $100 bills.
Yes, indeed. It was a wreath of Franklins.

At the beauty parlour, I overheard the receptionist admit to another customer,
"I haven't taken my vitamins today. I'm walking around unprotected."
The customer commiserated with her.
"I haven't taken my Prozac today, Everyone's walking around unprotected."

An old man who'd lived frugally and was thought to be poor finally
died, and per the instructions in his will, his executor threw a
lavish party for all his friends and neighboors.
The funeral, too, spared no expense, with six rented horses pulling
the hearse, each horse bedecked with gardenias flown in at great
expense from a warmer climate.
Aretha Franklin was hired as the soloist at the funeral and again at
graveside, where, still in accordance with the instructions in the
will, the deceased was interred with six casks of the finest brandy.
"Who's paying for all this?" someone finally asked.
"There was a fund," the executor replied.
"He'd made provisions for it all... Lock, stock, and burial."

Each day, London policemen escort employees of the underground
transport system as they carry the receipts to the bank.
This ritual is known to tourists as the guarding of the change.

Two bees ran into each other.
One asked the other how things were going.
"Really bad," said the second bee, "the weather has been really wet
and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any
honey."
"No problem," said the first bee, "Just fly down five blocks and turn
left and keep going until you see all the cars.
There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh
flowers and fresh fruit."
"Thanks for the tip" said the second bee and flew away.
A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again and the first
bee asked,
"How'd it go?"
"Fine," said the second bee, "It was everything you said it would be."
"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.
"That's my yarmulka," said the second bee, . ..
"I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."

Show me a telephone operator and I'll show you a call girl.

Last October while in Philadelphia on a business trip, I took one
afternoon off to see the Liberty Bell and other historic sites
downtown.
Two young families were also in line to the see the sites and I
overheard an interesting conversation between two small boys, not yet
old enough to be in school.
"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Tommy", replied the second.
"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.
Tommy replied,
"My Daddy's a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Billy.
"No, just the regular kind.", replied Tommy.