PUNS OF THE DAY

In the days before calculators, accountants were frequently unable to
get their debits to balance with their credits.
So, in order to overcome the discrepancy, they often created a bogus
account entitled "Taste" to store the unbalanced amount and allow the
books to balance.
Unfortunately, the government soon heard of this practice, and
declared a new law:
That there would, from this point on, be no accounting for Taste.

Old number theorists never die,
They just get past their prime.

When the newly ordained minister got married a day after graduating
theological school, his bride joked that the officiating minister was
kind a like the Lord as described in the Bible.
"How's that?" asked an attendee.
Replied the bride,
"He maketh me to lie down with green pastors."

I tried to learn how to drive a stick shift but couldn't locate the manual.

When asked by a young patrol officer,
"Do you know you were speeding"?
This 83-year-old woman talked herself out of a ticket by stating,
"Yes, but, I had to get there before I forgot where I was going".
"Makes perfectly good sense to me," said the officer and let her go
with a warning.

Committee:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

While waiting for a 7th Avenue bus downtown this morning, I noticed a
moderately-well-dressed young man standing by the marble wall of a
bank. Well, not quite standing.
He had arranged himself, facing the wall, feet spread apart, and
leaning at a goodly angle off vertical, his hands splayed against the
wall just over his head.
A flying buttress, as it were. I watched for a few moments, then strolled over.
"Isometric exercises?" I asked.
"No, sir. I had a dream last night that this wall is unstable and
needs someone to hold it up. So that's what I'm doing."
"Do you really think that if you let go, this wall will fall down?
That you are holding it up?"
"Yes," he replied, "I'm inclined to believe that."

At the beauty parlour, I overheard the receptionist admit to another customer,
"I haven't taken my vitamins today. I'm walking around unprotected."
The customer commiserated with her.
"I haven't taken my Prozac today, Everyone's walking around unprotected."

Now that the Ayatollahs run Iran, many of us probably do not remember
when the former ruler was the Shah of Iran.
The word "Shah" means King and the word for the First-Born-Male-Prince
and Heir-To-The-Throne is "Shan".
The recent Shah was a very powerful ruler, but there was some question
about the Heir's potential.
In fact, the young man was a fine young man in all respects, but one.
He was an epileptic and occasionally prone to seizures.
This was not incapacitating and could be controlled by medicines given
by a personal physician who was to be with the boy at all times.
On one sad occasion, however, the physician had to heed the call of
nature, and was absent for nearly fifteen minutes.
When he returned, he found that the boy had suffered a massive
seizure. As the physician was led off to be beheaded, he heard these
fatal words ringing in his ears,
"And where were you when the fit hit the Shan?"

Charles Dickens goes into a bar:
"I'd like a martini, please."
"Certainly, sir. Olive or twist?"

When I was a kid, my dad and I had a running joke.
If anyone asked what he did for a living, I always said,
"He's a sports mechanic. He fixes boxing matches and horse races."
Once I answered a teacher this way.
She flipped out and summoned my parents.
Dad calmed her down by explaining it was a joke.
"So, what do you do?" she asked.
Dad, a sales rep for a pharmaceutical company said,
"I sell drugs."

I used to be a transplant surgeon,
But my heart just wasn't in it.

Iranian president Mahmud Ahmadinejad calls President Obama and tells him,
"Barack, I had a wonderful dream last night.
I could see America, the whole beautiful country, and on each house I
saw a banner."
"What did it say on the banners?"
Obama asks. Mahmud replies,
"UNITED STATES OF IRAN."
Obama says,
"You know, Mahmud, I am really happy you called, because believe it or
not, last night I had a similar dream.
I could see all of Tehran, and it was more beautiful than ever, and on
each house flew an enormous banner."
"What did it say on the banners?" Mahmud asks.
Obama replies,
"I don't know. I can't read Hebrew."