XX - Adult Puns!

When the queen bees all buzz through the trees,
They consort with whomever they please.
They're promiscuous queens,
So you know that it means
That their offspring are called sons of bees.

What did the banana say to the vibrator?
"I don't know why you're shaking, she's gonna eat me!"

"What is the difference," a woman asked a keeper during a visit to the
Zoo, "between the North American porcupine and the African porcupine
?"
"The principal difference between them Miss," the attendant replied,
"is that the North American species has a longer prick."
The woman fled in distress and anger to the Administration Building
where the Chief Curator attempted to mollify her.
"I apologize for my staff Miss," he said. "It was an unfortunate
choice of terms.
What the keeper should have said is that the North American porcupine
has a longer quill. Their pricks are exactly the same size."

If they bring:
Shrimp home on shrimp boats,
Fish home on fish boats, and
Clams home on clam boats,
What do they bring crabs home on?
The Captains Dinghy!

Sally was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage.
She was gone several days but finally she returned.
Her friend, Liz, had never seen Sally looking so sad.
Liz said,
"Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days.
Glad you got back okay, but you look so sad.
Why?"
Sally replied,
"Because I just can't get a man."
Liz said,
"Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."
"Don't be so silly, Sally said, "I know that. I went in the woods
because I needed something there that would get me a man.
But I couldn't find it."
Liz said,
"I don't understand what you're talking about."
Sally replied,
"Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls.
I took some dead mice and a bird cage."
"So, how's that gonna help you get a man?" asked Liz.
Sally said,
"Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters.

"Relationships are hard.
It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one.
If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give
you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they
leave you, they should have to find you a temp."

Most men will never have a mid-life crises because they stay stuck in
adolescence.

A woman walked into a bank and requested a loan.
The loan officer gave her an application to fill out.
He looked it over when she had finished.
"And what is your profession?" he asked.
The woman paused for a moment and hesitantly answered,
"I'm a... A streetwalker."
The officer frowned and took off his glasses.
"Look, I know what you must be thinking," the woman said. "But come
on, give me a break! This bad economy is affecting everybody, even
those in my profession."
The loan officer remained silent, not quite knowing what to say.
"Have a heart," the woman concluded, "I just need a small loan so I
can get back on my back."

What is the relationship between
(1) a wino who throws his whiskey corks in the river,
(2) a bag-boy in a soft-drink store, and
(3) someone who stuffs his pant-legs inside his socks?
Respectively,
They are:
A cork soaker,
A Coke sacker, and
A sock tucker.

Confucius says,
"Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission grow
up to be shiftless bastard."

The young Swedish au pair had been working for the couple for over a year.
While pleasant and hardworking, the girl still struggled with English.
One day, she informed the lady of the house, that her boyfriend in the
Army was coming for a visit.
"That's wonderful. How long is his furlough?"
"Oh... Yust the same as husband's yours, but a little bit thicker."

Love is a complicated machine, but sometimes a good screw can fix it!

Frank and his friend Al were strolling along a Brooklyn street, and
strangely, Frank seemed embarrassed and at a loss for words.
"What's eating you?" asked Al.
"Well," said Frank, "Something has been troubling me for days, and
maybe it's none of my business, but you and I've been buddies for
years, and I've simply got to tell you.
Last Saturday, I was in one of those houses of ill-repute and who do I
see in there but your wife.
I hate to say it, Al, but your wife is a prostitute."
"Oh, no!" answered Al, "she's no prostitute.
She's just a substitute; she's only there on weekends."