PUNS OF THE DAY!

On the Tin Man, I'm really not keen.
If you axe me, he's too squeaky-clean.
He's been oily to bed
And to rise, so it's said,
Ever since he was just a can-teen!

A mathematician was taking a walk in the park one warm spring day when
he came upon two snakes without offspring.
When he asked them why, they replied that they were adders, and could
not multiply.
A few months later, walking the same path, he again came upon the
snakes, but they had a brood of small snakes with them.
They explained that the rangers had made a log table, so they were
able to multiply by adding.

Warning Labels:
Package of Fisherman's Friend throat lozenges:
"Not meant as a substitute for human companionship."

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt that there must be a mistake.
He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons,
So. He knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door, and the milkman said,
"I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5
gallons?"   The blonde said,
"I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take
a milk bath."
The milkman asked,
"pasteurised?"
The blonde said,
"No, just up to my breasts."

Beauty Parlour:
A place where women curl up and dye.

Ole was turning 88 and was overweight,
So, his doctor put him on a diet.
Doc:
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat
this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have
lost at least 5 pounds."
When Ole returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs!
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my
instructions?" Ole nodded,
"I'll tell you though, by God, I thought I wuz gonna drop dead on dat 3rd day."
"From the hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
Ole:
"Heck no, it wuz from all dat skipping!"

Alka-Seltzer's slogan was borrowed by an artist who specialized in 3-D painting:
"Plop, Plop, Fizz, Fizz -- Oh! What A Relief It Is!"

Nita's mother tried to scare Nita into responsible driving by showing
her a video of a car getting into a dreadful accident, crashing and
burning inside the Queens Midtown Tunnel.
As a result, though, Nita became totally unable to drive through
tunnels and would go out of her way to take the Triboro Bridge (way up
at 125th Street) even if she was heading for Midtown.
Finally, her doctor put her on tranquillizers, telling her,
"Take one whenever you know you're going to have to drive through the tunnel.
Nita was not one to be dependent on medicines.
Alarmed, she asked,
"Is there something serious wrong with me?
"Not at all," the doctor reassured her. "It's quite common. You're
simply suffering from car-pill-tunnel syndrome."

Lump Settlement:
What you get from Workman's Comp if you get hit on the head at work.

A teacher of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson
about the evils of liquor,
So. He produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass
of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe the worms closely," said the teacher, putting a
worm first in the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could
be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey.
It writhed painfully, and it quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a
doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the
teacher asked. Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded,
"Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"

Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.

I wanted to buy a CD player, but was completely perplexed by one
model's promotional sign.
So, I called the salesclerk over and asked,
"What does 'hybrid pulse D/A converter' mean?"
He said,
"That means that this machine will read the digital information that
is encoded on CDs and convert it into an audio signal."
"In other words," I said, "this CD player plays CDs."
"Exactly."