XX - Adult Puns!

A husband is visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a
coma for several years. On this visit, he decides to rub her left
breast instead of just talking to her.
While doing so, the wife lets out a sigh.
Pleasantly surprised, the husband runs out and tells the doctor.
"That is a good sign," suggests the doctor, "Why don't you try rubbing
her right breast to see if there is any reaction."
The husband returns to his wife's bedside and rubs her right breast
which brings a moan from his wife.
He rushes out again and tells the doctor.
The doctor thinks this is amazing and could perhaps be a real break through.
The doctor then suggests the man return to her bedside and perform oral sex.
More than happy to accommodate, the husband returns to his wife's
bedside to do his deed.
Some five minutes later, the husband comes running from his wife's
bedside screaming for the doctor.
"What's going on?" asks the doctor.
The husband yells,
"My wife s topped breathing!"
"What happened?" asks the doctor.
"Everything seemed to be looking good a few minutes ago."
The husband replies,
"She choked."

At the brothel, the man made a joke about each potential bedmate in
turn until one slapped him in the face.
"I'd like her," he said to the Madam.
"What on earth was that all about?" she asked.
"Well, it's the only piece of advice my father gave me.
He said,
'Screw 'em if they can't take a joke.'"

"Never make love on an empty stomach," admonishes a young woman we know.
"Take him out to dinner first."

The prayer meeting was really jumping.
The pastor asked for those who wanted to witness to get up and speak.
A man stood and shouted,
"I have lusted in my heart!"
The pastor said,
"Tell it all, Brother. Tell it all!"
The brother said,
"I have been a slave to the demon alcohol!"
The pastor said,
"Tell it all, Brother! Tell it all!"
The brother said, "I have been unfaithful to my dear wife!"
Again the pastor said,
"Tell it all, Brother! Tell it all!"
The brother said,
"I have screwed a goat!"
The pastor said,
"I wouldn't have told that, Brother!"

A college student picked up his date at her parents home.
He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant.
Once at the fancy place, to his dismay she ordered almost every most
expensive item on the menu.
She ordered appetizers, everything from calamari to escargot, lobster,
prime rib, champagne, crepes suzette, the works!
Finally, he asked her,
"Does your mother feed you like this at home?"
"No," she answered, "but my mother isn't expecting to have sex with me
later tonight."

For a trip without the kids,
Take LSD with your birth control pill

The husband was furious when he found out the checking account was empty.
When he confronted his wife, she simply said,
"It's my turn."
"What do you mean, YOUR turn?" yelled the husband.
"In bed," she explained, "you've been making early withdrawals for years.
Now, it's my turn."

A blonde with a dollar bill over her head is all you can eat under a buck.