XX - Adult Puns!

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.
"Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style," asked the one?
"Well, not exactly," his friend replied,
"She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"
"Well, not exactly.I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying
home because she is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I can't see my ass coming into work today."

Did you hear about the restaurant that promotes safe sex?
They write the bill on a condom so you can wine and dine your date,
and then stick her with the bill.

A woman goes into Wal-Mart and tells the clerk she wants a refund for
the toaster she bought because it doesn't work.
The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought
it on special.
All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming,
"Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!"
The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager.
The manager comes up to the woman and asks,
"What's wrong?"
She explains the situation with the toaster.
He tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming,
"Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!"
In shock, the store manager pleads,
"Ma'am, why are you saying that?"
In a huff, the woman says,
"Because, I like to have my breasts grabbed when I'm getting screwed!"
She got her refund!!

An old professor got up one morning feeling like a 20 year old student,
But he couldn't find one on campus who was awake that early.

Sam goes to a marriage counselor and says,
"My marriage isn't as much fun as it used to be. My wife is always tired".
The marriage counselor says,
"Do you still enjoy sex?
"As much as the next fellow" replied Sam.
The counselor says,
"Maybe between you and the next fellow, she's exhausted."

The two gay judges:
They tried each other.

A young virgin marries a Greek man and before the wedding her father
tells her that, being Greek, her husband may ask her to turn the other
way in bed one day, but that she doesn't have to do it if she doesn't
want to.
Sure enough, after a couple of months, her husband asks her to turn
over and she says "No, my father said I don't have to do this."
Her husband says
"OK, that's fine by me, but I thought you wanted children."

Use "Hoard" in a sentence::
My sister got into trouble because she HOARD around in school.

A guy walks in and sits down at a bar.
The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks,
"What in the world happened to you, buddy?"
The guy says
"Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore."
"Yeah," says the bartender,
"What did she do?"
"She hit me with her bag of quarters!"

You know you're staying in an Alabama hotel when you call the front
desk and say,
"I've gotta leak in my sink," and the person at the front desk says,
"Go ahead."

A nun comes to her Mother Superior and asks her to hear a confession:
"Today I enjoyed the pleasures of the flesh.
Father Goodwim came to me and told me that I had the gates to Heaven
here between my legs.
Then, he said that he had the key to Heaven, and he put it in the gates."
"BASTARD!" cried the Mother Superior.
"For years he told me it was Gabriel''s trumpet and I have been blowing it."'