PUNS OF THE DAY.

A couple of rednecks drove their pickup truck drove into a lumberyard.
One sauntered into the office and said,
"Howdy. We need us some of them four-by-twos."
The clerk said,
"You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The redneck says,
"You maybe right. Hold on. I'll go check," and headed out back to the truck.
A minute or so later he ambles back in and says,
"Yep. That's it, I meant two-by-fours."
"Fine... How long do you need them?"
The redneck paused for a minute, scratched his beard, then said,
"Well now I'd better go check."
After awhile, he returned to the office and said,
"A long time. Ya see, we're gonna build us a house."

Swimming Pool:
A mob of people with water in it.

At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his
cousins shot him. "Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time
drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said,
'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"
"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.
"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"

The decision to shoot more wolves caused howls of protest.

Apocryphal:
Hippety-hop to the corner shop for APOCRYPHAL of candy

One rainy morning, my mother went for her daily run.
As she returned to the house, she slipped and fell, hitting her head
on the driveway.
I called the paramedics.
When they arrived, they asked my mom some questions to determine her
coherency. "What is today?" inquired one man.
Without hesitation, Mom replied,
"Trash day."

Whatever the judge ordered for lunch, made the jury gag.

A rock group on tour is motoring through Wyoming in its luxurious
recreational vehicle. Suddenly, their passage is obstructed by
hundreds of steers.
The musicians hail a cowboy and politely ask if they may drive through
in order to meet their concert date.
"No way," snaps the cattleman.
The rockers huddle to consider their options, then return to the
stubborn cowboy.
"We've got some really unusual grass," they offer slyly.
"Marijuana in suppository form."
The cowboy accepts the bribe and reins in the animals long enough to
allow the group's bus to proceed.
Moral:
A herd in the band is worth boo in the tush.

Old hypochondriacs never die,
They just lose their grippe.

The custodian of a church quit and the pastor of the church asked the
young church organist if she would be able to also do the job of
cleaning the church sanctuary.
The organist thought for awhile before she answered,
"Do you mean that I now have to mind my keys and pews?

Warning Labels:
Microwave popcorn, packaged so that the directions cannot be read
unless you open the plastic and unfold it:
"Direction #1:
Remove plastic."

A friend hosted a dinner party for people from work, and everyone was
encouraged to bring their children.
All during the sit-down dinner one co-worker's three -year-old girl
stared at the man sitting across from her.
The girl could hardly eat her food from staring.
The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in
place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him.
He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for him.
He asked her,
"Why are you staring at me?"
Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour and the table went
quiet for her response.
The little girl said,
"I just want to see how you drink like a fish!"