three jokes and a funeral

Joke #1
Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You've had an accident involving a train.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would
you like to hear first?
Patient: Well... The bad news first...
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?
Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your shoes.

Joke #2.
"I'm fed up with your jealousy," the furious wife told her husband.
"Do you think I don't realize you're having me followed by a detective
who's tall, blond, has green eyes and is very nice, although a little
shy at first?"

Joke #3.
Mr. Smith was brought to a Catholic hospital, and taken quickly in for
heart surgery.
The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness,
he was reassured by a Nun, who was waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently
patting his hand.
"We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay
here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Then can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.
"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun questioned sternly.
"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble
spinster nun."
"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters - they are
married to God!"
"Really?," said Mr. Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my
brother-in-law!"
-------------