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Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Take a breather from your day's work ...

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the Local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the
next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she
would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the Paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day .... Moral of the story is .... being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery ... and even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life ..... you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

An enterprising Sardar!!

Fed up with people making fun of him, Santa Singh (the sardar) decided to change his religion. He was named Santa D'Costa and joined a priest in a church as his assistant.
One day the priest was called away for an emergency. Not wishing to
Leave the confessional unattended, he called Santa D'costa and asked him to cover for him.
Santa told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to stay with him for a little while and learn what to do.
Santa joined the priest and then followed him into the confessional. A  few minutes later a woman came in and said, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned".
Priest: "What did you do?"
Woman: " I committed adultery".
Priest: "How many times?"
Woman: "Three times".
Priest: "Say twice 'Hail Mary', put $5.00 in the charity box, and sin no more".
A few minutes later a man entered the confessional. He said "Father, forgive me for I have sinned".
Priest: "What did you do?"
Man: "I committed adultery".
Priest: "How many times?"
Man: "Three times".
Priest: "Say twice 'Hail Mary' , put $5.00 in the charity box, and sin  no more".
Santa, a quick learner, told the priest that he understood the job and  that he could leave.
Santa D'costa was now alone. A few minutes later another woman entered   and  said "Father, forgive me for I have sinned".
Santa: "What did you do?"
Woman: "I committed adultery".
Santa: "How many times?"
Woman: "Once".
Santa: "Go, do it two more times, we have a special offer this week,three times for $5.00.

How Moses Got The 10 Commandments

God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."

The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"

And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."

"Can you give us an example?"

"Thou shall not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested."

So He went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments."

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
"Honor thy Father and Mother."
"Father? We don't know who our fathers are." We're not interested.

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said
"Thou   shall not steal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."

Then He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments".

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said,
"Thou   shall not commit adultery."
"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, "I have   Commandments."

"Commandments?" They said, "How much are they?"

"They're free."

"We'll take 10."

Daddy, What Is Sex?

An 8-year-old girl went outside to find her dad, who was working in the yard.
She asked him:

"Daddy, what is sex?"
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she was old enough to ask the question, then she was probably old enough to get a straight answer.
He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.
The father asked her:

"So, why did you ask?"
The little girl replied:

"Mom told me to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a couple of secs."

Books for sale ...

SPECIAL DISCOUNTS

@

THE BOOKS EXHIBITION

@

the BMICH !!!

"The Sri Lankan Legal System"

by

S.B.Dissanayake

"Nothing but the truth"

by

Chandrika Bandaranayke

"Passing judgement"

by

Potta Naufer

"Sri Lankan Buddhist places of worship"

by Mahinda Rajapaksha

"By Hook or by crook"

by

Thilanga Sumathipala

"Delivering a one sided peace solution - A Sri Lankan Case study "

by

The Norwegian Facilitators

"Dealing with your opponents - the peaceful way "

by

the LTTE

"Demand, Supply, Cost of living and Loans -a graphical representation "

by

Bandula Gunawardane

"How I won the Olympic Gold"

by

Susanthika Jayasinghe

"Public speaking - how to make your point clear Volume 2"

by

S.B.Dissanayake and Rajitha Senarathne

"Escape routes out of Sri Lanka "

by

Shah Rukh Khan

"Easy guide to Asset declaration"

by

Anurudha Ratwatte

"Building mental models and virtual reality"

by

Milinda Moragoda

"Love thy neighbour"

by

RaufF Hakim

"Treasures in temples still not robbed"

by

Sajith Premadasa

"BECOME a cabinet minister in 24 days"

by

(Dr) Mervin Silva

"How to win Elections"

by

Ranil Wickramasinghe

ENJOY YOUR KIDS AND GRANDKIDS!!

The US of A government recently calculated the cost of raising a child
from birth to 18 and came up with $160,140.00 for a middle income
family.
Talk about sticker shock!
That doesn't even touch college tuition.
But, $160,140 isn't so bad if you break it down.
It translates into:
$8,896 a year,
$741.38 a month,
or
$171.08 a week.
That's a mere $24.24 a day!
Just over a dollar an hour.
Still, you might think the best financial advice says don't have
children if you want to be "rich." It is just the opposite.
What do your get for your $160,140?
Naming rights --- First, middle, and last!
Glimpses of God everyday.
Giggles under the covers every night.
More love than your heart can hold.
Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.
Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm cookies.
A hand to hold, usually covered with jam.
A partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites, building sand castles,
and skipping down the sidewalk in the pouring rain.
Someone to laugh yourself silly with no matter what the boss said or
how your stocks performed that day.
For $160,140, you never have to grow up.
You get to finger-paint, carve pumpkins, play hide-and-seek, catch
lightning bugs, and never stop believing in Santa Claus.
You have an excuse to keep reading the Adventures of Piglet and Pooh,
watching Saturday morning cartoons, going to Disney Land, and wishing
on stars.
You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under refrigerator
magnets and collect spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas, hand
prints set in clay for Mother's Day, and cards with backward letters
for Father's Day.
For $160,140, there is no greater bang for your buck.
You get to be a hero just for retrieving a Frisbee off the garage
roof, taking the training wheels off the bike, removing a splinter,
filling a wading pool, coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs, and coaching
a baseball team that never wins but always get treated to ice cream
regardless.
You get a front row seat to history to witness the first step, first
word, first date, and first time behind the wheel.
You get to be immortal.
You get another branch added to your family tree, and if you're lucky,
a long list of limbs in your obituary called grandchildren.
You get an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice,
communications, and human sexuality that no college can match.
In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there with God.
You have all the power to heal a booboo, scare away the monsters under
the bed, patch a broken heart, police a slumber party, ground them
forever, and love them without limits, so one day they will, like you,
love without counting the cost.

April fool !

Defence Attorney: What is your age?

Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.

Defence Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what
happened to you?

Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my
front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping
up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defence Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defence Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?

Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defence Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

Defence Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my
fear Abner passed away some 30 years ago.

Defence Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

Defence Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Woman: Hell No, I did not stop him.

Defence Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honour, his rubbing made me feel
all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defence Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just
spread my old legs and said to him, "take me, young man, Take me!"
Defence Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That's when he yelled, "April
Fool!" And that's when I shot the son of a bitch

Not dog friendly .....

A New Zealander was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.

Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Kiwi.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful Woman
the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get "those feelings" again. He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear.....

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk".

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

FW: CHICKEN SANDWICHES -X

Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what.....and this is why !!!

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became
friends.

Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered
that
they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!

This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he
noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.

He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it
anymore?"
She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."

"Why?" he asked.

She pointed to her lap and said
"Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"

"Let me see" he said.

"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, "That's right. You are!

Better not eat any more chicken."
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut
butter.

He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches,
I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"

She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.

She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you!

You've already got the neck and the gizzards!!!

Monday, May 29, 2006

JANEL XP

JANEL XP THE NEW MICROSOFT SINHALESE OPERATING SYSTEM WILL BE AVALABLE BY THE END OF THIS YEAR

When Mr. Bill Gates of Microsoft came to Sri Lanka he had signed on an agreement with the PM to release the Sinhalese Version of WINDOWS

XP as JANNEL XP by the end of this year. Subsequently, they gave a demo on Sinhalese Version of WINDOWS XP to the following interesting things (Commands & messages) have been observed from Sinhalese Version of WINDOWS XP demo.

File = Pile
Save = Beragannda
Save as = Mehema Beragannda
Save all = Okkoma Beragannda
Find = Hoyanda
Find Again = Ayeth Hoyanda
Move = Aying Karanda
Mail = Thapal
Mailer = Piyum Mahaththaya
Zoom in = Loku Karanda
Zoom out = Podi Karanda
Replace = Meka aran araka danda
Run = Duwanda
Execute = Maranda
Print = Achchu Gahanda
Print Preview = Achchu Gahanda isserella balanda
Cut = Kappanda
Copy = Pitapath Karanda
Paste = Alawanda
Paste Special = vishesha alaweema
Delete = Nathi karanda
View = Balanda
Send = Yawanda
Shutdown = Oka wahala danda
Tools = Badu
Toolbar = Badu thabaruma
Spreadsheet = Redda Digaarinda
Database = Pettagama
Exit = Maaruweema
Compress = Mirikanda
Click = Obanda
Scrollbar = Lissana polla
Next = Eelangata
Previous = Kalin eka
Recycle Bin = Kunubakkiya
Click, hold and drag = Obala allagena adinda
Double click = Depaarak ebima
Do you want to Delete the selected item ? = Thorapu baduwa kunubakkiyata danda onada ?
Restore = Kunu baldiyen aapahu ganda
Empty Recycle bin = Kunu baldiya Hiskaranna
Do you want to move the selected item? = Thorapu baduwa ehe mehe karanda onada ?
Do you want to save changes you made? = Meka beraganda onada ?
Abort, Retry, Ignore = Nathara, Navatha, Ganang Noganna
Yes, No, Cancel = Ow, Ne, Be
Access dinied = Kohomawath be !
Unrecoverable error = Beranda bari ledak !
Illegal operation = Neethivirodi sathkamak !
Explorer = Rasthiyadu karaya
Windows is shutting down = Janel wahandai yanne!
There is a virus = Mala keliyai yakko, wisabeejayak!

Life in Sri Lanka

Contributed - SS- Canada

These days in Sri Lanka, is very hard to stay,
Cost of Living very high, and rising everyday,
Children crying, hungry telling, don't know what to do,
Haven't rice, so husband gone to standing in the queue.

Thousand rupees rent is paying, house is very old,
When rain is coming, roof is leaking, very very cold,
When complaint making, landlord tellin' he not caring less,
He coming home and hartal putting, Hena bloody mess.

Daughter asking money want to buy the mini skirt,
Husband tellin 'Go to Hell' - she only want to flirt,
Asking her to go for job, she never want to go,
She only do making up, and going for the show.

Husband coming after drinking - Katchal in the house,
When haven't money, he is sober - quiet like a mouse,
Not only that, he quietly pulling from the purse,
Twenty rupees slowly taking, and betting on the horse.

Thambi Boutique Mudalali, he is a brick to cheat,
Putting Gadol in the chilli powder, very bad to eat,
Sometimes we are thosai bringing, but is not so good,
That also scared to eat - for having poonac in the food.

Vegetables very dear, even in the Keera cart,
When I'm going to buy beef, butcher putting heart,
Aney what to do child, standing and bargaining,
In queue in blazing sun....... leg is also paining.

Haven't milk, haven't rice, haven't even bread,
So drinking plain tea without sugar, and going to the bed,
When telling husband 'go Down Under' he is telling, what you know,
Leaving Country where you born, why you want to go?

So that is what I'm telling aney, life is very sad,
Everything is hard to get, and coming colour bad,
If husband drink and come today, I'm going to give him bombing,
But what for even talking aney...... laughing also coming.

Yours for the asking......... what for the telling.

ENGLISH TEACHERS
Everyday when papers looki'n, I am very sad,
They are telling in Sri Lanka, English very bad,
Is this all a humbug mister, sometimes very true,
So I want to tell and give you, exactly what to do.

Olden times when we were children, in the village school,
Pappa tole muss learn the English, otherwise you a fool,
Those days teachers taking trouble, tought the English well,
If I do not do the homework, they are playing the hell.

Nowadays have Shermadana, in the sun muss dig,
Other times too much torking, classes very big,
Principal is absent always, teachers putting part,
Boys are taking O/L, but only pass in art.

You must tell our Minister, soon to put a rule,
Give the English Education, nicely in the school,
Then the children will improve, learning very well you see,
Getting jobs and easy money, happy just like me.

Now I am an English teacher, I can now enjoy,
So I am doing better job, than any other boy,
I am engaged to Burgher lady, torking English well,
How to twist and do the Cha Cha, she is going to tell.

Pappa putting sarong only, simply village clerk,
Now I am putting trousers and walking in the park,
So I'm telling without English, useless you will be,
Like a buffalow in the village, married to a tree.

DA VINCI CODE 1

.
.

Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:

It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old!
The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said: "This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them."

Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.
The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots,

Hebrew is read from right to left...... It says:

'Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Chick

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Daily Laughs

When I'm an old lady, I'll live with each kid,

And bring so much happiness..just as they did.

I want to pay back all the joy they've provided.

Returning each deed! Oh, they'll be so excited!

(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

I'll write on the wall with reds, whites and blues,

And I'll bounce on the furniture..wearing my shoes.

I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out.

I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, how they'll shout!

(When I'm and old lady and live with my kids)

When they're on the phone and just out of reach,

I'll get into things like sugar and bleach.

Oh, they'll snap their fingers and then shake their head,

And when that is done, I'll hide under the bed!

(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

When they cook dinner and call me to eat,

I'll not eat my green beans or salad or meat,

I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table,

And when they get angry..I'll run..if I'm able!

(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

I'll sit close to the TV, through the channels I'll click,

I'll cross both eyes just to see if they stick.

I'll take off my socks and throw one away,

And play in the mud til the end of the day!

(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

And later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh,

I'll thank God in prayer and then close my eyes.

My kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping,

And say with a groan, "She's so sweet when she's sleeping!"

God Bless All Mom's and Grandma's Everywhere!

1. "Valentine Dreams."

After she woke up, a woman told her husband,

"I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know on Valentine's Day." he said.
On Valentine's Day, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled....
"The Meaning Of Dreams."

"There are two times in a man's life when he should not speculate:

when he can't afford it, and when he can."
- -Mark Twain

2. I'd Like To Hear...

Three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at an orientation to enter heaven.
They are all asked:

"When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy says:

"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says:

"I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies,

"I would like to hear them say.......

LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

3. Lawyers!

A woman wrote to Dear Abby:

"I have a dilemma. I am about to get married, but I haven't been totally honest with my fiancé. My mother is a well-known madam, my father is a convict, and my brother is a lawyer. My sister sells heroin to the children at the school down the street. I also have a problem - I'm wanted in three states for embezzlement.
Taking all that into consideration, this is my question, how do I break the news to my fiancé that my brother is a lawyer?"

Things that make you go Hmmm....

What part of the monkey do you use a monkey wrench on?

"Instructions For Life"

Don't confuse mere inconveniences with real problems.

Bonus Joke:
What do fishermen and hypochondriacs have in common?
They don't really have to catch anything to be happy.

I bet ya' didn't know

Mia Farrow was the cover girl of PEOPLE magazine's first issue in 1974.

Balboa, the Spanish explorer who discovered the Pacific Ocean, was accused of treason in 1519 and beheaded.

As Mahatma Gandhi stepped aboard a train one day, one of his shoes slipped off and landed on the track.

He was unable to retrieve it as the train was moving.
To the amazement of his companions, Gandhi calmly took off his other shoe and threw it
back along the track to land close to the first.
Asked by a fellow passenger why he did so, Gandhi smiled.

"The poor man who finds the shoes lying on the track," he replied, "will now have a pair he can use."

Home Depot

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around
Home Depot when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking
for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's, OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking
for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does
your wife look like?
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair,
blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white
shorts.What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

Memorial Stone

Joe's will provided $ 30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the
last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her
oldest friend. "Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.
"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice
and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?" "All of
it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand." "No!" Jody exclaimed. "I
mean, it was very nice, but $ 30,000?" Helen answered. "The
funeral was $ 6,500. I donated $ 500 to the church. The wake,
food and drinks were another $ 500. The rest went for the
memorial stone." Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial
stone? My God, how big is it?!" "Two and a half carats."

The UK Immigrants Song

I cross all oceans, poor and broke,
Take a bus, see employment folk.
Nice man treat me good in there,
Say, I need to see welfare.

Welfare say, "You come no more,
We send cash right to your door."
Welfare checks they make you wealthy,
Medicare it keep you healthy!

By and by, I got plenty money,
Thanks to you, Englisman dummy.
Write to friends in motherland,
Tell them 'come fast as you can.'

They come in turbans and Ford trucks,
I buy big house with welfare bucks
They come here, we live together,
More welfare checks, it gets better!

Fourteen families, they moving in,
But neighbour's patience wearing thin.
Finally, white guy moves away,
Now I buy his house, and then I say,

"Find more aliens for house to rent."
And in the yard I put a tent.
Send for family they just trash,
But they, too, draw the welfare cash!

Everything is very good,
And soon we own the neighbourhood.
We have hobby it's called breeding,
Welfare pay for baby feeding.

Kids need dentist?
Wife need pills?
We get free!
We got no bills!

Englishman crazy! He pay all year,
To keep welfare running here.
We think UK darn good place!
Too darn good for the white man race.

Now that we're here,
We're here to stay.
If they no like us, they can scram,
Got lots of room in Pakistan .

Friday, May 26, 2006

Stress relievers

Stress Reliever #1

Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Darling : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look
at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Darling : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other
problem Can there be greater than this one?

Stress Reliever # 2

Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries,
troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or
troubles.
Girl: Well that is because we aren't married yet.

Stress Reliever #3

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to
give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

Stress Reliever # 4
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my
father hadn't left me a fortune?" "Honey," the woman replied
sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"

Stress Reliever # 5
Father to son after exam: "let me see your report!card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

Stress Reliever # 6
A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans".. "My
Father grows beans," said one student. "My father cooks beans," said
another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."

Stress Reliever # 7
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a
millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman.
What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"

Stress Reliever # 8
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.

Stress Reliever # 9
A wife asked her husband: What do you like most in me - my pretty
face or my sexy body?
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: I like your sense of
humor.

S O M E T I M E S

Sometimes...
when you cry...
no one sees your tears.

Sometimes...
when you are in pain...
no one sees your   hurt.

Sometimes...
when you are worried...
no one sees your stress.

Sometimes...
when you are happy...
no one sees your smile.
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Scroll down please

But FART!! just ONE time..

And everybody knows!!

Gotcha!! You thought it was going to be one of those heart-touching stories!

Have a great weekend !

Crazy traffic ..probably India

click here

Reasons not to mess with a child

1. A little girl was talking to her teacher
about whales. The teacher said it was physically
impossible for a whale to swallow a human because
even though it was a very large mammal its throat
was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was
swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale
could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, Then you ask him".

2. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her
classroom of children while they were drawing.
She would occasionally walk
around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl
who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what
God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing,
the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

3. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her
mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly
noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair
sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked,

"Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do
something wrong and make me cry or unhappy,
one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,

"Momma, how come ALL of grandma s hairs are white?"

4. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was
trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how

nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,
'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out,

"And there's the teacher, She s dead."

5. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.

Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on
my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn
red in the face.." "Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in

the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

6. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic
elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large
pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table
was a large pile of chocolate chipcookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the
apples.

...and talking about marriage - revenge ....

This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson
University in the US of A.

It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it on his
Tonight Show.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.
After the wedding at the reception the groom got up on stage with a
microphone to talk to the crowd.
He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long
distances, to support them at their wedding.
He especially wanted to thank the bride's family and his family and to
thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.
As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone
a special gift just from him.
So, taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding
party, was a manila envelope.
He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their
envelope.
Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex
with the best man.
The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had
hired a private detective to tail them.
After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a
couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said,
"F--- you!"
Then, he turned to his bride and said,
"F--- you!"
Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said,
"I'm outta here."
He had the marriage annulled first thing the next morning.
While most people would have cancelled the wedding immediately after
finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade,
as if nothing were wrong.
His revenge ... making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300
guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and
best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.

This guy has balls the size of church bells!!

Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this?
Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends..$32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion......$ 3,000.
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui..$ 8,500.
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy
of the bride humping the bestman....Priceless.

There are some things money can't buy,
for everything else there's MASTERCARD!

THIS IS a MAN'S LIFE ..................

Before marriage

After marriage

After divorce

Poor sod ......

The wife was very unhappy with her car and complained a lot to her husband:'Buy me a surprise for my birthday!', she said.'Something that accelerates from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds!And, I would prefer a blue one!'Happy and excited she was counting down the days for her birthday.And finally, she got the beautiful present her husband thoughtfully bought ( see below).

He is dead now.........

Thursday, May 25, 2006

True stuff..

You can study and get any certificates.....

but, you cannot get your own death certificate.

(...... Barney Raymond).

You may have DIALOG or MOBITEL connection,

but, when you sneeze,

all you say is:

"HUTCH"

(...... Mr.Hans W. ).

You can 'bcom' an engineer,

if you study in an engineering college ..........

But, you cannot 'bcom' a President

even if you study in a Presidents College.

(...... Mr. R. Premadasa).

A mechanical engineer can 'bcom' a mechanic

but, a software engineer can-not 'bcom' a software.

(...... Mr.Gamini W. ).

You can find tea in a tea cup............

but, cannot find world in a world cup!

(...... Mr. Arjuna Ranatunga).

You can find keys on a key board

but, you cannot find mothers on a mother board

(...... Sunil/Gypsies)

More to live and learn...

* Behind every successful man,

there is a great woman

and

behind every great woman,

there is a smart guy staring at her butt.

* If you don't believe in oral sex,

keep your mouth shut!

* Opinion is like an ass hole,

everyone has one.

* A Mistress lies between

a Mister and a mattress.

* Chess players mate better.

* Excuses are like asses:

everyone has 'em and they all stink.

* If I could re-arrange the alphabet,

I'd put you between F and C K.

* Sex is the price women have to pay for marriage.

Marriage is the price men have to pay for sex.

* Impotence:

Nature's way of saying

"No hard feelings".

* If you think sex is a pain in the ass,

you're doing it wrong.

* There are only two four letter words

that are offensive to men -

don't and stop,

unless they are used together.

* The difference between a husband and a lover

is

the difference between day and night.

* I love you in blue.

I love you in red

but,

most of all.

I love you in bed.

* Prostitution is a hole sale business.

* A tight dress is like a barbed fence.

It protects the premises without restricting the view.

* It is good for woman to meet man in park,

but,

better for man to park meat in woman.

* What matters is not the length of the wand,

but,

the magic in the stick.

* Sex is like snow;

you never know

how many inches you are going to get

or

how long it is going to last.

* Good sex can correct poor posture,

or

at least make it stand up straight.

* I'm not attracted by a girl's mind ...

but,

by what she doesn't mind.

* Guns, don't kill people.......

Husbands,

who come home early,

kill people.

* Gettin' married

is

like getting into a bath tub.

After you get used to it,

it ain't so hot.

* Marriage is the only war

where

you get to sleep with the enemy!

Written by a MP at the Parliamentarians English Exam (PEE)

This is a true transcript of an essay written by a M.P. at the Parliamentarians
English Exam (PEE). As many Parliamentarians failed it, PEE is not
done in Parliament anymore.

The Sri Lanka Elefant

There is a three Sri Lanka elefants. One is a home elefant. Two is a
val elefant. Three is a UNP party animal.

The elefant has 4 leggs. Elefant has long thrunk hanging between. 2
white iworry tasks some have on both side of hanging thrunk. These
iworry is very moneyful. Some bad men rape the val elefant to get
iworry and sell for money.

Elefants like to eat banananas, bunns,
gnanakathas, like that. It like to drink
milk and toddy two. Like you and other
people elefants send extra food out to
the world from the behind of the
backside, at the back.

Elefants have tails. This is to move the
fly. Some time elefant is moving tail
this way that way but fly is not going
out.

Elefant never forgets. One storey I tell
you, one day one man pulling elefants
tail hard and run away. You know no, how elefant. 50 years after
pulling tail, man as died. When the dead man is going to the kanatta
our elefant is going near the mini box and lifting his tail, do large
dung and going away � elefant very remember what man did know.

Elefants are vary istrong. It can puss
trees. It pusses and pusses and the tree downfalls. Elefant is
conthrolled by manout man. Manout man is using tall
hooker to pull Elefant�s ear and he
sometimes pulls Elefant�s leg also. But Manout man love Elefant and
puts his bananana in Elefant�s mouth if he is good.

Zoo elefant can dunce. Zoo Elefant can
dunce and play his own organ. It also can shit on its stool. If you
give money zoo elefant will take you for a ride down garden path.

Elefant is large gift to people of
SriLanka. We must look after our elefant, then we can use elefant to
do things on the fields, in the jungle, in the zoo � also then we can
have lots of baby elefants. Then we can ex-fort elefants to other
cunttrees and be povertyless.

and another way to do it ..

A young lady, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet.
As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs.
The sign says : "Sex Frogs ! Only $20 each ! Money Back Guarantee !
Comes with complete instruction."

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She
whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."

The man packages the frog and says, "Just follow the instructions."
The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she pulls out the
instructions and reads them very carefully. she does exactly what is
specified :

"Take a shower. Splash on some nice perfume. Slip into a very sexy
nightie. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow
the frog to follow its training".

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise,
nothing happens ! The girl is very disappointed and quite upset at
this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of
the paper it says "If you have any poblems or questions, please call
the pet store." So, the lady calls the pet store. The man says, "I 'll
be right over."

Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The lady welcomes him
in and says, "See, I 've done everything according to the
instructions. The damn thing just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly
into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me you little fella ! I'm
going to show you how to do it this one more time ....."

This is how it happened ...sucker

A "just married" White couple decided to make love
on their wedding night in the hotel.
The wife did not want to get pregnant and requested the
husband to buy condoms from the shop nearby.
When the husband went out, the wife waited anxiously in the
room with all the lights switched off.
The husband had a hard time finding a shop that sold
condoms and when he finally found one, he realized that he
had only one 20 cents coin. He asks the shop owner to sell
him one condom and the shop owner asked him which quality
he wanted.
"The white condom, lowest quality, is 15 cents each.
The black condom, average quality, is 20 cents each.
And the purple condom,highest quality, is 25 cents each."
So the husband took the black condom as he had only 20
cents. While the husband was out, a Black thief came into
the room.
The wife did not notice and thought that it was her
husband. She grabbed the thief and happily started screwing.
The wife was so exhausted that she fell asleep immediately.
When the husband reached the hotel, he found his wife
sleeping. Without a warning, he jumped onto her and started
screwing her vigorously.
The wife was surprised that the husband was so energetic as
she thoroughly enjoyed the session. Nine months later,
the wife gave birth to a Black baby boy. When the boy grew up,
he asked the father. "Papa,why am I Black and you are White?"
The father shouted "You are damn lucky, 5 cents more and
you would have been PURPLE!"

"WE ARE HONOURABLE MEN!!!!!!

"One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a
river, his axe fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you
crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water,
and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this
your axe?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this
your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three
axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the
riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you
crying?" "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.
"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The
woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a
misunderstanding.
You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up
with Catherine Zeta-Jones.
Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife.
Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.
Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three
wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and
honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it!

"WE ARE HONOURABLE MEN!!!!!!

Think about these

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION! :
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you re arrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Don't take your husband shopping

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has
been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type
of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in
any of our stores.

We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment.
Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband
has caused. All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been compiled and
are listed below.

Mr. Wally President and CEO
Wal-Mart Complaint Department

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

MEMO

Re: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints - 15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton
has done while his spouse/partner is shopping:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading
to the rest rooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an
official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag
of M&M's on lay away.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a
carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and
told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring
pillows from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he
begins to cry and asks Why can't you people just leave
me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it
as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked
the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly
humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna
look" using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse
through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud
speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams
"NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

(And; last, but not least!)

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and
waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is
no toilet paper in here!"

How to Recruit the right person for the Job!

Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an
open window.
Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door.
Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyse the situation.

If they are counting the bricks.
Put them in the accounts department.
If they are re-counting them..
Put them in auditing.

If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks.
Put them in engineering.
If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order.
Put them in planning.

If they are throwing the bricks at each other.
Put them in operations.
If they are sleeping.
Put them in security.

If they have broken the bricks into pieces.
Put them in information technology.
If they are sitting idle.
Put them in human resources.

If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick
has been moved.
Put them in sales.
If they have already left for the day.
Put them in marketing.

If they are staring out of the window.
Put them on strategic planning.

And then last but not least.
If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved.
Congratulate them, and put them in top management.

Profound...thought

Too many times, we face challengers at work, at home and at all other
occasions. Maybe we can learn from this story: A group of alumni, highly
established in their careers, got together to visit their old university
professor. Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work
and life. Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen
and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups:
porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive,
some exquisite - telling them to help themselves to hot coffee.

When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said:
"If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups were taken up,
leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to
want only the best for yourself, that want is the source of your
problems and stress. What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the
cup, but you consciously went for the best cups and were eyeing each
other's cups.

Now if life is coffee, then the jobs, money and position in society are
the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, but the quality
of Life doesn't change. Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we
fail to enjoy the coffee in it." So, don't let the cups drive you...
enjoy the coffee instead!

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Why?

Why, Why, Why
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

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