INTRODUCTION:
Attention to health is life greatest hindrance.
- Plato (427-347 B.C.)
A man walks into a pub and, with the most sorry look on his face,
pleads to the bartender;
"Look, my wife has left me, I've been fired, I've just been mugged for
all my money, and I'm desperate for a drink. Can you help me out??"
"Of course," said the bartender, "The door is behind you. Do you want
to be pushed or carried?
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Two nicely dressed ladies happen to start up a conversation during an
endless wait in the LAX airport.
The 1st lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man.
The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.
When the conversation centered on whether they had any children the
California woman started by saying,
"When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."
The lady from the South commented,
"Well, isn't that precious?
The first woman continued,
"When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."
Again, the lady from the South commented,
"Well, isn't that precious??
The first woman continued boasting,
"Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this
exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the Southern lady commented,
"Well, isn't that precious???
The first woman then asked her companion,
"What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.
"Charm school??" the first woman cried, "Oh my God! What on earth for?"
The Southern lady responded,
"Well for one thing, instead of saying "Who gives a s&%t?" I learned
to say, 'Well, isn't that precious?"
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Robin Hood and his merry men were in Sherwood Forest one night
celebrating, and imbibing.
They all became inebriated, and then Friar Tuck began to sing.
He became louder with each drink. Robin Hood, fearing that the Sheriff
of Nottingham might hear the band, dragged the Friar deep into the
woods.
He then tucked him into the river, but the song lingered on.
The moral of the story?
You can lead a drunk to water, but you can't make him hoarse.
SEVEN REASONS TO CRAWL UNDER A ROCK...
1. CURL UP AND DIE........
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and
asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
Melinda Lowe, 39, SeguinTX
2. PAD PLEASE..........
An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance.
He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to
follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me
a pad.
He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest.
Kate Newman, 46, Winston-Salem,NC
3. HO, HO, HO.............
I was taking a shower when my 2 year old son came into the bathroom
and wrapped himself in toilet paper.
Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera
and took a few shots.
They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with
each of our Christmas cards.
Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing
hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look.
Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in
addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror wearing
nothing but a camera!
Name Withheld
4. LADY GOLFER................
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the
good looking gentlemen who works at the store!
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said,
"I think I like playing with men's balls."
Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI
5. NUTS ABOUT YOU............
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
variety of nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter
asked if we needed any help.
I replied,
"No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned
beet red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD
6. PRICELESS.............
A lady picked up several items at a discount store.
When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her
items had no price tag.
Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and
boomed out for all the store to hear,"PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN,
TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE."
That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently
misunderstood the word "Tampax" for THUMBTACKS."
In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom.
"DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU
POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
7. MOM'S ADVICE.........
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was
squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been
circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the nurse's office.
He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.
He did it and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with
his penis hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your Mom. " she screamed.
"I did," he said "And she told me that if I could stick it out till
noon she would come and get me."
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A woman came into a chemist with a shopping list.
As she asked for items such as hair spray and toothpaste, the
pharmacist inquired what size of each she wanted.
Everything was going well until she requested a bottle of Enos.
The pharmacist was surprised when, in response to his usual question, '
"What size?"
She said,
"What size would you suggest? I'm only having four for dinner."
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Ten Rules of Housekeeping
1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers.
Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone
mentions Carpet Fresh.
2. Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed.
Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and claim an
ecological exemption.
3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful
filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun.
Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone.
4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from the
bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere.
If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting,
simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"
5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread
magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng
Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability.
Roll your eyes when you say this.
6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by
claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing handsewn play
animals for underprivileged children.
7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into
one room and close the door.
As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob
vigorously, fake a growl and say,
"I'd love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the
shots are SO expensive."
8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on
the coffee table and insist that:
"THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."
9. Don't bother repainting.
Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of
crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say,
"Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident... I
haven't had the heart to clean it..."
10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups
of water in a spray bottle.
Mist the air lightly.
Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations.
Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh,
"I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere..."
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